what i hate

i'm feeling pretty tangled up inside at the moment.

if there's one thing that annoys me more than anything, it is the feeling that i've been judged without having been consulted. "prejudice." i mean, i actually forgive a lot of instances of what we term actual prejudice. for example, if you travel around in the southern united states, or anywhere where asians happen to be kind of scarce, you kind of have to forgive people for some of their antiquated notions about what you are like; they've just never seen much of your kind "round those parts." it's like if a martian happened to land in the middle of your town, and wound up getting offended when you started asking dumb questions like: "but aren't you all supposed to be little and green, and talk in meeps and beeps, and be all hostile, like 'take me to your leader' and all that?" such indiscrete and tactless questions are only natural.

curiosity isn't all that bad. in fact, it's natural, it's human. i think that, if a child (naive) would do it, then it can't be all bad.

the kind of prejudice i DO hate, however, has to do more with people who know you, or think they know you, and automatically write you off as "stupid" or "incompetent" or whatever. i mean, actually, i thought i was pretty much over this sort of thing, i thought that i could function independently of all the judgments that people placed upon me... but i guess it never fails to surprise me how rampant this sort of thing is, and how it always pops up in the most unexpected corners. you THINK people are friends, they're on your side, and then BAM! it hits you. oh, there it goes again, someone else playing the whole class judgment game.

i realize that the whole pecking (pecker) order is almost a built in mechanism in us. hell, maybe it operates in all of us, it's just that some of us sublimate it better than others. but i think we should all strive to transcend some of our baser (survivalist) instincts, in favor of loftier ideals... it behooves us to try to be our best, and to expect the best from all around us. i don't know, i've always felt it easier to live that way...

but there are a lot of people, it turns out, who cannot feel secure about themselves without somehow putting others around them down: "me up because you go down." people who cannot sincerely feel happy about the successes of other people, because that automatically calls into question what they are (their status). now, i'll be the first to admit that i often feel insecure, i often feel like i am a less than nothing in a something world... but i never take it out on the world, i never try to undermine the glories of others. if there are imperfections that i can rectify in myself, i try to do so; if not, well, that's just me, a human being with a lot of flaws. somehow, it feels instinctively wrong to insult others who are apparently doing better than you; it feels like you're just sour grapes, consoling yourself...

i'm reminded of the morrisey song:

"we hate it when our friends become successful, and if they're not then that makes it even worse and
if we can destroy them, you bet your life we will destroy them
if we can hurt them, well, we may as well.
it's really laughable
aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..."

great song. great attitude.

the moral of this story: if you're happy with yourself, your life, your family, etc., then BE happy. celebrate in your happiness. but don't look at other people to confirm/deny that happiness. and by all means, don't try to put others down so that you can "live off the contrast."

and if you're not happy with yourself, then: a) work on what you can; or b) just accept things; (g/G) od gave you what you have, and you should learn how to be thankful and love it. the inappropriate response is ALWAYS to: c) sneakily undermine those that you envy.

as radiohead sings: "the pointless snide remark/hammerheaded sharks/the pot will call the kettle black/ it's a drunken punch up at a wedding"

another inappropriate response, and one which i have fallen victim to (hence my internal tangled up feeling): d) to get pressured into thinking there is something wrong with you, and getting fearful/angry about it all, and trying to "force" inappropriate developments to keep up with the joneses. this is the path to destruction, "the dark side of the force..."

tonight, i started to lose my patience as i was working with the kids on violin. and i actually had to stop, take a breath. why was i pushing so hard? it wasn't because of the kids. actually, they're doing great. it was because SOMEONE injected this feeling, this ugly, desperate feeling in me, this prejudice about me... and as a result, i felt compelled to prove things were otherwise with me and mine.

but, as i once said (kinda nonsensically): "prove and love don't rhyme." when you try to prove yourself, you actually separate yourself from life and love, and end up failing both to live up to your potential, and to "prove anything." (who are you trying to convince, anyway???) it's only when you breathe love and patience and tolerance and compassion that things become automatically and implicitly perfect...

that's the story i'm sticking to tonight, anyway.