self-hatred is sometimes good

i believe that being an artist involves both icono-blastic (not sure if that's a real word; am thinking of osteoblasts) and iconoclastic tendencies. for someone who's REALLY into process, and is completely detached from product or reaction, these two tendencies occur simultaneously. i WISH i could be that way, but i think as a writer (would be/wanna be), i must crystallize the product to the extent that the tendencies separate out somewhat. in other words, there is the envisioning of the project, the blind mundane working towards the project, and, in the editing phase, often a feeling of nausea and self-hatred at how disgustingly stupid and obvious and clunky everything is. if i were courageous, i could, without hesitation, destroy the old work, and instantly rewrite everything. forget trying to salvage the "good" from the trash. but i'm not. as i reread the ultimately bad and unconvincing work i'd written, i get half-seduced, and, let's face it, LAZY. i think, hey, this isn't ALL bad...

but more and more, i realize what i have to do. there is this thing in zen called beginner's mind. it's appropriate in moments like this, when there is a hesitation, when there - [more later]