visitation

a couple of days ago (perhaps it was christmas?), there was a large moth that fluttered against our glass door.  not too long afterwards, there were two.  i have, of late, come to consider the moths as good omens, as visitations by dearly departed spirits.  i have, of late, imagined them as visitations by my grandma (ewa beach), and perhaps others.

***

i'm being asked to call someone.  but i'm tired, and i don't trust myself.  i am by nature so forgiving.  i say things to ameliorate and make things all better.  it's in my nature.  some times i put so many band aid words over wounds that you would assume that nothing was wrong.  but i'm not ready to say "it's okay."

meanwhile, i want to help my parents...  but i'm not sure how, and i think it will destroy my already strained capabilities in the process anyway.

people around me judging me, buzzing like flies.  i find it funny, if it weren't so damned annoying.  i am not a real person to most of the world anyway.  the concerns of ghosts are not of concern to the "real world."  we don't have real feelings.  we aren't solid.  we just repeat our duties to the living, right?

***

the moth is a symbol of multiple interpretations.  i imagine moths symbolize the spirits of the dead, in that they are nocturnal creatures drawn to the light and heat of the living.  the moth also symbolizes transformation (in a way that butterflies do, but in a perhaps less positivistic happy-happy way).  i used this interpretation in a story called "moth-eaten", representing my "moth-eaten" robes as a soul half-eaten by rapacious desires, and the inability to choose between purity and lust/love.  mothra, from the godzilla movies, meanwhile, is supposed to be a god of happiness...