i treated my father today, finally, for his shingles.  i used the richard tan method of using 12 needles, one for each channel, along the four segments, taking care to incorporate those points which traditional acupuncture would assign for his condition: sj 5, gb 41, etc.  i think it was a good treatment, in that it allowed him to rest for about an hour.  i also dabbed some st. john's wort onto the affected area, in the hopes that it would alleviate some of the pain and itching.

while my father was resting, i tried to clean up the house.  my parents are taking care of 3 little pigpens!  and, whether out of weariness or apathy, there are certain issues of basic upkeep that have been neglected for a long time- to the point where it could become a health issue.  so i was cleaning, scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming... until i had to take out my father's needles, and until the rest of the family came home...

***

i hate thinking about other people and their opinion of me.  but i think (as mentioned earlier) it is a conditioned response, a kind of fundamental need for acknowledgment of some sort...  i HATE that i need this.  i wish i could just be doing what is right, instead of needing to think about what so and so would think of this, and would this garner anyone's respect?  this very blog, although i am pretty certain no one really reads this crap, is perhaps a hidden (but no less ugly) attempt to get someone's approval...  maybe even more so, because in its "journal"-like nature, it seems innocent, and undirected...

why do we do what we do?  out of fear?  out of obligation?  out of a need to feel- what?  i want to eliminate that gap.  i want to be so empathic that i do things out of this fundamental connection, and out of a natural flowing of the "will of heaven."  i don't want to do anything for anyone's approval.  especially not god's.  "god willing", i would do the right thing because it was always already in my nature to do so.

***

in fact: i was thinking about the notions in chinese thought of the different grades of rulers or emperors.  the lowest grade of ruler is both despised and impotent.  the next grade rules through fear, even though everyone despises him.  the next type of ruler is both feared and loved.  (i think).  but the highest grade of ruler is not known at all; he does nothing, and yet everything gets accomplished.  this is the expression of wuwei, or nonaction.

i was thinking whether or not the highest ruler REALLY does nothing, as in just sits there?  or is it that he allows nature to take its course?  which means, also, allowing it to take its course within himself as well?  in the west, we have this assumption that someone who does nothing stands outside of everything, in a kind of stillpoint.  but i think it is more appropriate to understand wuwei in the context of a universe in flux.  to "do nothing" does not mean to hold to a fixed point, like an opihi in a wave; it is rather to move with the universe.  a ruler does what is right, by following the dictates of what is natural and appropriate.  and in so doing, the world follows its course as well...

***

at the moment, the afternoon sunlight is diffracted by clouds and vog, making the sky seem a hazy white, and making time seem vague.  i am a bit tired from cleaning the awful mess of my parents' house.  the kids are with aunty joan or the in-laws, so i've all this empty time to fill with stupid deeds.  i feel hatred (again) for someone, and for the collective eyes of the world, and for the collective (derisive) opinion of the world... and it hurts to hate, it makes me so weary... but i feel (or i like to think) that this is all a part of the processing of this wound that that certain someone has laid bare.  i note the hatred, like the vog and clouds in the sky, and move on.  one day, the hate (and the vog) will be gone.  or it won't.  doesn't really matter...