there is a lot of mass. with great mass comes increased inertia or, conversely, increased momentum. it is very hard to get the ball rolling. and, once it is rolling, it is hard to stop it, or change its direction.
that is "how i roll." it is unfortunate, but true. also, with regards to matters, i have a kind of myopic perspective on things. i can only do what is immediate. usually, i start with what is easiest, and what is closest, because they "build my confidence," and then i am able to move into the harder stuff... sounds pretty pathetic, but it's true.
with regards to "infinite tasks," like, for example, gardening (i.e. weeding)... it would perhaps be nice if i had the time to sit and work on a small section to completion, and move on. but i don't. or at least, i don't have the patience. so i tend to meander as i do things, working on each apparent task as it draws me.
i think, with regards to many things in life, i am kind of cautious about the use of force. there IS a backlash. it is sort of akin to moving with some kind of pain or wound. yes, you could move faster, but you will deal with more pain or damage if you do... best to move slow.
***
i also do things, or don't do things, in the face of practicality and responsibility. more often, it's i don't do things. they hurt too much, or they are too- wearying. i know i have to do them, but i keep avoiding and burying them until eventually they become monsters that i have to slay. why is it that i do this? why can't i be "responsible?"
i almost feel a physical barrier with regards to certain things i have to do. i feel very very tired. and scared. but to not do them, again, it is to allow a small thing to become a terror. why? it is so irrational, it is something i cannot explain...
i don't understand why some things are so hard or difficult. why some things, it seems, i just "don't care about." it must be that, in my own personal calculus, some things just don't have a net gain in my book... example: my cell phone. it is a shitty phone, with low battery life, and my reception is terrible. i don't change it. i don't pay for it. i allow it to lose service. why? maybe i don't care so much about hearing from people?!
i almost think that with life, i am afraid of making snap decisions. anything that forces me to confront my own ignorance, or makes me pay, or whatever...
i make no real plans to address my problems. i have no plans. it is more like trench warfare. an impasse. with massive casualties. why!?
i make excuses for myself. i'm processing something... or whatever. and something in myself just doesn't care. it won't let in anything that hurts... but it all, in the end, just doesn't make sense. not sound strategy...
it's ironic that i play games of strategy, am almost obsessed with it. but when it comes down to my life, my own life, i am unable to follow through on any sound plan. WHY!?
***
i suppose i see the pattern.
in the face of fundamental indebtedness (and much postmodern thought and philosophy suggests that we are born into a situation of indebtedness), the individual can become a slave, or he can rebel. one form of rebellion is non-participation, non-payment of the debt. it is a contradictory or paradoxical form of rebellion, because it is one which destroys the individual in rebellion. but it is a form of rebellion, or protest, nonetheless.
it is interesting, but some of the most effective forms of rebellion/protest involve self-destruction of varying degrees: fasting, immolation, etc. it is to be unyielding in the face of a system, an economic system, one does not want to participate in. it is to choke the system.
i articulate this in systemic terms, in terms of economy, because it seems my narrative always tangles a personal hurt with a systemic problem. i don't single out a person who has hurt me; i cut out the entire human race. i don't point to a single problem that has affected me, i rebel against the yoke of human existence. it's really silly when i look at things that way...
but i do think that when someone is in pain, walking with (self-inflicted) wounds, his tolerance for things is reduced, and also very confused. i make decisions in a very myopic fashion, because i try to reduce the pain in its immediacy. it's hard to think of the long term "medication" or "working cure" of a problem that is so "in your face." and in many situations, there is an element of faith in even believing in a cure that will cause some momentary pain for ultimate gain. so there is a confusion regarding help and harm.
i don't know. i am just trying to understand things...
feeling tired again.
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