although there is an element that determines a person's predominant way of interpreting life, there is also, as a result, or perhaps as a hidden cause, another element which may be seen as the fundamental absence or deficiency in a person's life.  for me, that element is fire.  fire occupies the continuum or tension between control and intimacy...

fire and metal do share a controlling relationship...  each element in five element theory generates another element, and also controls yet another element.  metal, for instance, generates water (we say it is the mother of water), and it controls wood (it is the grandmother of wood).  metal, in its turn, is generated by earth, and is controlled by fire...  this sometimes gives a hint as to how to help facilitate the generation or sedation of any given element, as "direct tonification" or "sedation" is actually not ideal strategy...

ANYWAY.  fire is related to intimacy/camaraderie.  yes, in my life, that is a definite lack.  as i mentioned before, i interpret issues in terms of worth/respect.  i feel that that is the only economy that i even have a chance at making anything of myself...  because in the "real economy" of friendship, of being close to people, i don't believe that i can be seen as a participant.

as i mentioned, fire occupies the TENSION between control and intimacy.  these are opposites, in a very real sense.  intimacy is being close to the other, something which we, for the most part, want; but as we approach the other, there is an inevitable loss of control, for we cannot control the reactions of the other.  how do we negotiate that tension?  some people do so through various control mechanisms; the simplest would be to maintain distance ("personal space") so as to eliminate the threat of the other (but also keep intimacy at bay).  on the other hand, some people abdicate all control, and allow the other to invade one's space, or even invite the other in, reminiscent of the strategy of appeasement applied to nazi germany during the second world war...

there are other middle strategies.  i think of fire issue people as being like comedians or hystrionics, those who create other selves in order to garner a measure of intimacy (i.e., they "control" a version of the self in order to get people to like them)...

for myself, there is no sophistication in my "fire" armamentarium.  intimacy is quite literally an on-off switch.  there are those with whom i feel i can "relax" and be myself... and there are others that i must "contextualize" (i.e. share certain specific information with).  yes, it is all about information, more or less...  what people are allowed to know, etc.  it is not about the real "meat" of relationships, the feeling of closeness and laughter...  i can make others laugh, but it is usually at my expense, by belittling myself.  a solicitation, i suppose...

and, at times, i feel closeness with others as a threat.  even, or especially, with others with whom i would like to get to know better, i keep a "polite distance", because... why?  because i feel i may lose it all if i get too close.  because i feel people would not like the real me (if i could even generate a real me from this nothing inside of me)...  because, tying in the metal issue, i feel that people would not respect me if they knew how i really was (as if that wasn't always already apparent)...

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for fire, the irony is something like: "true control comes from doing nothing."  wuwei.  the principle of non-action...

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gods, i want to sleep.  really sleep.  i don't care about much of anything any more.  i used to have friends (at least, that's a fiction that i tell myself).  but they bought someone else's story, which might have been true in some sense, but who cares?  it's the fact that they believed someone else, someone who is hateful and judgmental and hypocritical, instead of me with my nonthreatening narrative.  it's that (again returning to metal) they disrespected my truth.  they stonewalled me, like i'm not worth a response or an acknowledgement.

yeah, i think that hurts the most.  look, i KNOW i'm not a friendly person, or the nicest person, or whatever, but to not say anything.  to not give me the scraps of acknowledgement.  that's what hurts.

and so, i go through this pattern of going away and disappearing, and making plans to do something else "helpful", some meager effort to participate in the economy, like some beggar in a slum in mombai.  yes, i don't have any real money/power, but let me recycle this shit for you!  for a low price!

i wish goodbye meant i could just disappear, but time with all of its obligations, its stupid obligations, keeps calling me.  i really want to sleep and forget this stupid world at times...  don't get me wrong, i love my wife and children, and am grateful that for them, at least, well, maybe they've no choice to buy into my fictions, but i think they are the only real things in my world.  the rest?  "nothing personal," but...