emptiness

not long after i had arrived at the temple, i recall a discussion with shodo on some simple characters within the heart sutra.  one character, read as "ku", and written with the same character as that of sky (or "sora"), i initially translated as "emptiness."  but shodo pointed out to me that this "emptiness" was not "empty."  he even drew me a picture of a person in a field beside a tree to depict how "emptiness" was not "empty."

i think conceiving of "emptiness" in any way is a problem.  "emptiness" means without a fixed conception.  it is not a "null" concept, because that in itself is a fixed conception, a stopping point, as it were.  nor is it supposed to be conceived of as the sky, i.e., an "openness", because that too is merely a picture, another stopping point.  in fact, the process of attempting to conceive of "emptiness" is in itself a koan of sorts, an imitation of negative theology, because it is a repetitive movement of the mind to recognize its conception and to release that conception, perhaps ad infinitum.

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i was thinking of "emptiness" with regards to the metal type constitution.  metal types are concerned with worth and value in the world.  they are also linked to a kind of sadness or poignancy, because of the recognition that nothing of worth or value (or perhaps even the concept of worth or value) in the world remains; everything decays and dies.  the repeated attempt to hold to something "precious" in the world inevitably results in this feeling of loss and sadness.  with regards to the past, one becomes obsessed with what has gone; with regards to the future, one looks upon its distance as through a backwards telescope, "longing" for an unreachable state.

as i may have mentioned, the irony of the metal element is that that which is of most value is the least substantial.  taken to its ultimate conclusion, this means that that which is of most value is empty.  it is in attempting to grasp and hold on to something that we, to couch this in more buddhist terms, "attach", and thus sow the seeds of our own (and perhaps the world's) suffering.  the key to breaking this cycle of suffering is to understand emptiness.

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for someone with low self-worth, or no self-worth, how does this processing of emptiness help?  i am not sure.  i have been attempting to recognize something good in myself.  it is very very difficult.  i suppose the attempt to recognize worth in oneself mirrors the attempt to recognize worth in others.

although i (sincerely) love children, i have a deeply rooted cynicism with regards to people in general.  it's not that i dislike people; rather, it is that i don't expect much from them.  i think i hold this attitude partially from experience, but also because it allows me to not be upset when they let me down...  and people have let me down, and are constantly belittling me...  (ha, my exaggerations reveal themselves...  i suppose it just makes it easier for me to generalize and exaggerate, than remain in a muddled and ambiguous position...)

so... i can't recognize significant worth in others.

what is worth?

is it like money?  is it like a profit and loss sort of thing?  can worth be counted?

if we cannot understand what worth is, then what sense does it mean to "value" something?  what standard are we referring to when we say something is valuable?  these are questions that found economies, and they are also questions that found self-hood, and self-created economies...

i deeply want to understand where worth comes from, so i can perceive it within myself.  i feel that this may allay some of my incessant repetitions on this issue of low self-worth and self-esteem.  i want to stop feeling so morose about my reality.  i want to be interested in life again...