i am sitting at the head of a class.  before me are the remaining students who are taking my final.  the tension is thick.  i almost regret creating this latest monster of a final for these students.  it is a lot of information that i make them responsible for, and i know this is compounded by the other classes that these "kids" (many of them are my senior) take.  i tried to ease them into it all, but quite frankly, there was no real way to soften the blow...  and anyway, in this school, you have to drown repeatedly in order to make it.  them's the breaks...

***

as i was driving over to the school this evening, i was listening to a show on npr called human kind.  the show is about various aspects of humanity, with an emphasis on instances of kindness and compassion and empathy...  tonight, the featured person was (i believe) donna hicks, a psychologist who has apparently sat in on several talks between irreconciled communities, for example, the palestinian conflict, or south africa after the repeal of apartheid.  in any case, she mentioned that there is always an objective debate (consisting of "hard" demands for territory, reparations, etc.), but beneath that, there is always an underlying fight for and against dignity.  ultimately, her discussions turned to the
issue of self-worth, and how it is vital to protect one's self-worth, and be cognizant of how one addresses the worth of the other.  it seemed very relevant for me.

hicks described bishop desmond tutu, whom she had spent some time with during tape recordings of conflict resolutions.  she mentioned that he was a man with a strong conviction in god, combined with a deep sense of humility; a powerful and paradoxical combination.  his sense of worth was so unshakable; his dignity commanded that of others, so that those who spoke in his presence were automatically held to a higher standard...  everyone, in short, was able to open up and access their higher selves...

***

i think about this person in my life.  i actually fear for him at times, because when things truly hit him, i am not sure how he will ever be able to survive...  i don't think anyone ever "gets away" with doing anything, because, even in the most sociopathic individuals, i believe there is a division against the self, a war within, which some day will out.  and when that day of reckoning comes, watch out!

i suppose i was, probably still am, very angry at him, and through him, the world at large that he represents, because of how he hurt a few of the dear people around me...  i often wrestle with how i SHOULD feel, because more often than not, i "forgive" people, i allow people to be the way that they are...  the thing that hurt, and which still cuts within like a swallowed piece of glass, is this question: when is a deed unforgivable?  when is it alright to feel anger?

... to be honest, the flash of anger is already fading in me.  it gets replaced by this duller, but more peaceful world.  again, people and things fall within their own skins.  i feel i can understand again.  it is tiring to rebel against reality, after all.  at some point, you've just got to face the facts, and face the music.  the world is not ever going to correspond to my vision, but... them's the breaks.

***

donna hicks mentioned something that stuck with me.  people can step on and wound your dignity.  but they can never take your dignity from you.  dignity is something that is implicitly yours, because it is something that you define and contextualize.  again, it can be wounded and damaged, but you can care for it, and seek to restore it.  it can never be taken from you...

i guess i have to repair my dignity, my sense of self-worth.  it has been forgotten for so long.  i've been operating with it in disrepair, focusing my attention on everything around me so that i didn't hear the rattling in my empty heart.  now is the time to rest.  seek a stillpoint.  surrender to the process.