here's a recent posting by one of my co-workers:
"dear f-ing stoooopid person that i work with. this one's for you! sincerely, the pissed off ---"
and there's a picture of a crazy garfield with the quote: "i think you're supposed to be the special education teacher, not be special education."
i see a listing of people who like this comment. some of these people, i see quite regularly.
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i sent a message to this person, asking if this post was referring to me. the poster responded after a few hours: "hahaha... thanks for asking, but no, it's not you... hahaha."
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1) i don't believe this person. i DO think it is referring to me. when i think of the list of people to whom it could apply, i really don't think anyone of them ... well, let's just say, i've got the short straw in this situation. i also think it's me, because for about a week's time, i deactivated my fb account, and then suddenly reactivated it as i got used to some of the family issues i was dealing with. i think the poster, realizing i was no longer a "friend," felt it safe to shoot this out to the public.
2) EVEN if this post did not refer to me... that really doesn't make much of a difference. the fact that there is this kind of commenting going on really sours the way that i feel about my work place, and the kind of people that work there. i've seen it before, seen people doing this about other people, and i KNOW some of it, maybe a lot of it, referred to me... people just generally talking stink about people behind their backs. it gets to the point where, when i'm walking down the hall, and i see people, and they don't say hi, i wonder what they've been hearing about me... or whether i'm just being paranoid.
i for one have NEVER spoken ill about anyone at my school, even when they have done things to hurt me, or just plain seemed unfriendly. i guess that's the difference, coming from where i am, and where i've been. i begin with the assumption that, yes, i'm a screw-up, a nerd, whatever. if there's a problem, usually i have to learn from it. maybe i have to do something better... and i know i am not a very sociable person. i like to believe in the best of people, whether that is my students, or anyone else. it makes things simpler when i deal with them. i don't have to feel like i am "shibai"-ing or dividing my heart in interacting with people. sure, i know people make mistakes, etc., or that people "are a certain way"; but i never hold it against them.
it hurts because when i see comments like this, it makes me feel that i've done or been so heinous that people have basically given up on me. and that's a terrible feeling to have; one of being so worthless and incompetent at your job; maybe even less of a person (an issue which i've been wrestling with anyway-- perhaps this is confirmation?)
it hurts because, even if it's not about me, i put myself in that person's shoes, and i know it's not easy to be on the receiving end of that kind of hatred.
***
what's funny is, i still respect this person, as well as all the others. it just adds to the hesitation and reluctance i normally feel around people; now, i have to distrust a lot of the nice things people say or the way they seem to be. in fact, i suppose that's been my modus operandi anyway; just assume the worst of people (not of their capabilities, etc.; just their regard of me). of course, i apologize a lot. it's really laughable, when i think on it.
i have been trying to figure out what i've done that is so heinously wrong. but then again, a part of me just shrugs, the seventh-twelfth grader in me just shrugs, and figures, well, it's back to school again, you remember how it is... don't take it personally, just be good in your heart, just try your best.
the best thing i do is always return to the original inspiration to take this job. to take the name of a company: "it's all about the kids." i just focus on them, on helping them to the best of my (admittedly meager, admittedly shaken) abilities...
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in other news: my wife's back is out. i've been trying to care for her through massage and whatnot (along with my terrible cooking :P), but it hasn't been working all that well. i think inside my overall confidence in people and things is shaken, but i try by focusing on the technique... i want to help out my dad some more by taking all the kids out or treating him or cleaning their house, but now with my wife out of commission, i basically have to keep my own house in order...
a couple of nights ago, when the skies were semi-clear, i saw a crescent moon. that is my grandmother's moon, because, when she died, someone (was it me? was it my wife? was it willow?) said that it looked like her smile. so whenever i see that moon i think of my grandmother. i know she wouldn't be happy with the situation my family is in, and how we are scattered. i tell her that i am trying my best. there are some things that i still cannot forgive (and besides, how can you bring someone back when they have turned their back on you? reminiscent of the above work situation), and there are others that i just have to work harder at. when i have time, i endeavor to visit my sister more. i really really need to catch up, help her (in some small way) to know that she is loved. i want to remember, and want her to remember, how the two of us used to be together: best of friends, confidants...
so many things are wrong with this world. connecticut. aside from political action, i like to think that this tragedy is a call for people to be kind to one another. my own arms only have so much reach, my hands (and perhaps my mind) are unskilled, my spirit is somewhat disillusioned and tired... but i endeavor to reach out and help and hold my small circle of the world. as shodo said (or meant): always return to the question.
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