my apologies for my previous postings. i think i was consumed by my anger and by my uncomfortableness in certain situations. i would edit those posts, and perhaps delete them, but i feel i must commit myself to a certain honesty and frankness, or i run the risk of hemming myself in by "proper walls."
there are different levels and situations of anger at present. i am angry at the president, and republicans (both in government and those who support them), and the state of the country at large. i am angry because they are all clearly in the wrong, and yet there is this complicit support for him that i fail to understand. as the world goes further and further to shit, and that bastard in the white house (and his cronies) cheat the system more and more, this anger within me grows. as i have mentioned, i am surrounded by these people; people whom i want to care about and understand, but whose continued support makes this impossible... so there's that background level of anger.
then, there is the anger at work. it is partially influenced by the above political anger, because i'm surrounded at work by many who (either outright or not) support a president who is a racist, and a sexual predator, and a bully (the list goes on), and they are alright with that. all the while, they talk to children about proper behavior, and about inclusion, and all of these high ideals... the discrepancy, the hypocrisy... it is mind-boggling. but, as i've mentioned, there are sort of personal issues of anger as well. this matter of my grade level, and the matter of inclusion and exclusion. i suppose i am particularly sensitive to those sorts of things, having been, for much of my life, an excluded figure. i have always felt susceptible to this sort of thing, to the isolation and persecution of it. i almost feel a certain fatalism with regards to it. it is definitely not something i feel i can conquer via confrontation. i feel completely powerless. and i suppose i have this (inadequate) idea that i can somehow cope by playing the flip side of the switch- that is, withdrawing, and hoping that the others will somehow come to regret their cruel machinations. (they never do, btw. self-reflection is a rare thing, and people hardly think of you as much as you think they do.)
then, there is the familial anger. this, i suppose, is the deepest. at least, it's the one i refer to as my biggest excuse. it is an anger that is primarily directed at my brother, although by rights it should be directed at my parents, and particularly my mother, for creating the conditions of this problem. i don't know if i've ever mentioned this explicitly (although i must have...), but it basically boils down to the issue that my brother molested my sister when she was about seven years old. i didn't know about it until much later, when my sister was in high school, with her life messed up. she confessed it, and my brother didn't deny it (although now he does). anyway, it kind of ruined the trajectory of my sister's life, or at least, she attributes that issue to her downfall. she began to lie, to steal... and she- horror of horrors for my parents- got involved in lesbian relationships... eventually, she got into drugs, and went to jail, and got out, and went back in... if you ever had someone in your family who dipped into drugs too much, you understand the pattern.
i have been disappointed many times by my sister. i support her, in the sense that i was the only one who would periodically visit her in jail (my parents, who support her financially, and who watch her kids, no longer take the time to do that). but i don't necessarily trust her, or her decisions, or the people that she calls friends. and if she were to end up back in jail, i suppose i wouldn't be entirely surprised...
my brother, on the other hand... a republican (typical). a successful family practitioner. some of my own co-workers, my own principal even, go to see him. i've even recommended people to him, for some strange reason. anyway, i used to get along well with him, even knowing the thing that he did to my sister. i suppose it seemed easier back then, because my sister had screwed up her life so many times, that it was hard to attribute blame to anyone else but her... and, fuck it, my brother can be so charismatic. a natural leader. everyone fucking loved him. i did too.
so, as i may have said, the issue with me and my brother came to a head about ten years ago, when we were both coaching a basketball team for our kids. there was some sort of miscommunication from my daughter to my father, something about how my brother's son had gotten in trouble at summer school, and that's why he wasn't being picked up... i guess the truth was that he had left summer school early to visit his preschool teacher... anyway, something stupid and innocuous as that. but my brother got enraged at this. called my daughter a liar. and- here's the rub- he said that my daughter was just like my sister...
this was what enraged me, what i couldn't wrap my head around. let's see, his son at the time was seven years old. seven, the same age that- it's claimed- he molested my sister... and he was so protective of his son's fragile ego. (where was that sense when he damaged my sister?) furthermore, he was lecturing us about lying. so, who was lying? who was telling the truth? was my brother lying when he admitted to molesting my sister? or was that the truth? kind of a catch 22...
i was told to keep this a secret. professional damage, and all that. reputation... but you know what? it kills me. it eats away at my insides. the fact that the world sees my sister as a fuck-up, and my brother as this glorious wonderful doctor... and the truth is that he ruined her life. and that he has the nerve to compound it with this hypocritical condemnation of my daughter and of me. (if you're not aware from previous postings, he has cut ties with our family completely).
that fundamental hypocrisy is what destroys me. and to never say a word about it... to hear people compliment me on my brother... to have to explain the situation regarding my sister... and to never explain the reality of it all... it simply eats me up inside. i suppose that this fundamental "error" of my soul, it just gets compounded by everything else that is hypocritical: white evangelical christianity, republicans, hypocritical bitchy cliquey teachers... it all just makes me view the world through one lens of rage and disbelief...
...so, yeah. that's my heart. layers of anger. something which i'm not supposed to talk about, but which comes out anyway, because over the years, i can't help it... (no one who knows me really reads this blog anyway, right?)
what i want out of it... i don't know. i don't think there's any way out of this pain. i can't fix anything. i can't fix my sister. i definitely can't fix my brother. i actually don't want to ruin things for my brother, not really. but i just wish that he would own up to what he did, i just wish that he would be humble for once in his life and apologize. it is impossible- IMPOSSIBLE- to make things up. but at least to acknowledge that, maybe it would make things somewhat better.
i also wish my sister could get back on her feet, own up to her life. but she has issues with my parents, the same parents who support her so thoroughly and raise her kids... she got married in jail (i don't know how "official" it is), but she has intentions of moving to georgia or something with her wife once she gets out... forget about her own kids... i don't know. i wish somehow that she could find the strength and desire and will to claim her own children- to show humility and apologize and help my aging parents... to apologize for stealing all of their years from them, the years that they should have spent in ease and retirement... i wish for all of these things.
for my parents. for my mother, in particular... well, i used to be a momma's boy, she gave me a lot of structure and principle. that's why it is so difficult to believe that she is a trump supporter. i feel so incredibly distant from her nowadays because of that... well, i want to understand her, understand how someone can become so duped by the gop. and i want her to also humble herself, to understand the mistake she has made in assisting my brother in burying the deed, as it were. because i know that that denial only compounded the hurt that my sister experienced... making it seem as though it never even happened. that burial, by the way, hurt me too. made me always feel... i don't know... complicit. i wish my mother would have the strength to do that. because that's the only way that our family would ever get back together.
these are the things i hope for. but i know it is impossible. they- all three of them- are so incredibly strong-willed and stubborn. they would never willingly surrender their positions... so all i can really do is watch. i support them, i listen to them, but i can't stop them from falling apart. i can't stop the world from falling apart.
*****
this is why i return to teaching children. to growing things. to routines. and it is why i simply disbelieve most people who are my peers. it is so much easier to work with things that make sense. even when they prove difficult, it is far easier to work with these things than to deal with my own feelings and my own family. i can't- i can't solve it... and i can't forgive it. i haven't found a way to. i haven't found the strength to.
i love my sister. if it were up to me, i wish that i could've stopped it all, somehow. i want my sister's life to be what it should have been, before my brother sullied it. i want my sister to find happiness- an authentic happiness- not one that is fleeting, and associated with running away from responsibilities.
... i don't know.
anyway, i've probably said too much. i'll try to bury all of this in other postings, and the nobodies who read this will forget anything was ever said here...
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