i suppose writing has always been terrifying for me. it's not just that it's a chore (it tends to be, at least when i attempt purposeful writing). it's that it forces me to confront the contrived nature of my self. it's that it always leads to so many questions, not the least of which is, "what the hell are you even writing about?" and it always makes me feel as though i am drowning, drowning alone in a dark well, with no one to see me, and no one to understand my pointless struggles. i usually come away from a serious writing session bedraggled and filled with self-loathing... and for all that suffering, the product, a few pages of hard-won writing, will usually end up in the trash heap anyway. so i often ask myself, what's the point?
it didn't use to be that way. i suppose in high school, i was cocky and overconfident, and at that age, any decent assemblage of sentences that sound cogent and intelligent gets praised to the nines. it could be about nothing (most of my writing back then was about nothing)... i think after high school, there were moments when i felt i could write. there would be this lucidity within me, a feeling as though everything was perfect. and for some reason, i could just flow out something that seemed at the very least intriguing...
but not any more.
now, there are no natural narratives within me. i have a very fragmentary consciousness. i don't experience (or at the very least don't recognize) interesting scenarios. i just experience little things, the kind of things where you say "ah" and move on. and whenever i try to build things into larger narratives, perhaps discover a "point" to everything, it becomes fake and contrived, and that's when i really struggle to construct anything, because it is all like soupy sand, and each time i try to build something big, it all just dissolves within my hands...
my more recent "writing" has just been stream-of-consciousness basically. there is no theme, no nothing- it is just an attempt to record whatever is going on in my head. there are no complete sentences. there are hardly any complete thoughts. this is because recording anything takes time, whereas the mind is constantly shifting gears and distracting itself...
*****
sorry, i had to go to sleep, i was actually passing out.
my intention, as of now, is to do more "sticking to it" when it comes to writing. i mean, i'm able to draw a more or less complete portrait, even when things are pretty complex. and it's not particularly a strain; i just work on each new segment of the picture... why can't i do the same with writing? also, the consistent message, from neil gaiman through margaret atwood through david sedaris is that you just have to sit there and write. there is this notion of "completion" (particularly from gaiman). i'm not sure if that's always feasible (i can't write 30 pages in one go, and to simply force myself to do so would be akin to shitting out a mountainload in one sitting). but i do think that i have to compel myself again to do "serious work" on completing my projects. i've tried to "force" a poem or a "short story" (more like a vignette), and while i'm going to still try to write a poem, i think for the short story part, i'm going to put a condition: either write 2 pages or write for a half hour, whichever comes first.
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