today, all of my students canceled on me. maybe they feel the same restlessness, the need to get out. the need to be free. thus liberated, i bound myself to my usual routines... alas. sometimes freedom is wasted...
well, actually, no. the feeling of liberation, i have come to realize for me, is a myth. it's strange, but the prospect of unlimited time doesn't necessarily excite me. it is the way that i fill my time that is important. and, for whatever reason, i create prisons and walls in my time. "prisons" is a harsh word, but it is apt. as i've mentioned before, life is like water. if there are no walls to imprison the flow, then it simply leaks out, powerless. you need to channel things, and, yes, imprison the flow, in order for it to have any power, to effect change... i guess i'm always thinking of things in those terms...
maybe that's MY prison. in fact, i'm pretty sure it is. i know there were times when i could have opened myself up to people, but i felt it was more important to maintain a certain routine. to study. or whatever. maybe that's my particular box. even right now, i'm lying here typing, when i could be interacting with my son. doing something with him. but what? he is frankly more interested in interacting with his friends, with playing video games. and i am more interested in my own schemes and plans...
i feel sometimes guilty about this. i used to do stuff with my son. i did judo for a couple of years. it was a real trauma to me. i mean, i really wasn't in shape; i would get winded just in the warm-ups. but i had to put on a show for my son, to inspire him to perform well... to be honest, i was never really looking forward to the judo practices. i would always feel so tired after work, and the prospect of getting my lungs slammed out of me, and sweating till my gi was soaked, well, it kind of always put me in a mood... i think afterwards, when practice was over, and we were driving home, and we would stop off at the nii market to pick up a few drinks to rehydrate- well, that was always a good feeling. to have accomplished something with my son... but i guess those positives weren't enough.
i decided to stop going to judo in the year when my job got really tough, when i had a couple of high end cases that just wore me out. i just didn't have enough juice left to get motivated enough to motivate my son to go to judo. so i just dropped out. it was all my fault...
after that, well, my son grew older, and he basically now has his own trajectory. i can't really shape it any more. i love my son, and i think that he has a lot of great qualities. he has a kind heart, for example. me, i actually have a rotten heart. i mess around with my dog a lot. probably in the same manner that my abusive brother messed with me... i often find it strange when i do stuff with the dog, like kiss him, or ruffle his fur, all this stuff that i know probably annoys him (he growls a lot at me); it's ironic, or contradictory, or whatever. i mean, i lament the way i was treated by my brother. but maybe he thought it was just messing around, maybe he thought it was nothing serious... maybe he even thought it was his way of showing affection or something... anyway, back to my son... my son isn't mean like that. he's very kind. and the dog knows it. after my wife, who's frankly a suck-up to the dog, my son is in second place. (i'm last place, after my daughter.)
my son also has interesting conversations with his friends online. i find he's actually quite a connousier (sp?) of video game stuff. he actually thinks a lot about the rules of games, and how to maximize damage or protection or whatever. and it's sometimes entertaining to hear him interact with people all around the world. he's often a good listener. but at the same time, he isn't ashamed to give his opinion, or express himself... totally not like me. (a good thing.)
thing is, he isn't motivated by school, and he doesn't have a direction yet. later this week, i am going to attend this ag meeting, and he's coming with me. i hope to learn about agriculture in hawaii, maybe even get a plot of land or something, and i'm hoping he develops a passion for it. or, failing that, a passion for something. i think, as long as he starts to care about something, then he'll be alright.
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my daughter- i have other concerns about her. she used to be so driven. but now, i think she's starting to dissipate. and it's at a moment when she really needs direction. thing is, she has developed a kind of independence and rebelliousness. it's no longer possible to tell her to do something... at least, it's more difficult now. i'm no longer an authority or an expert that she respects. which is fine, in its own right. she needs to develop her own perspective and everything, after all... but i just think that, in certain things, she is either not ready or not experienced enough to understand what's coming...
BUT... as with my son... i'm not doing particularly much about it. i'm more in a pretty selfish mode right now...
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why do i do what i do? it's not necessarily for anyone else. it's not to prepare for anything. at least i don't think so. maybe before it was fine to fantasize that someone would look upon the work that i'd done, and compliment me on it. but really, no one is there. no one will be there. and you can't make your life depend upon anyone's attention. because you simply can't count on anyone. and it shouldn't be that way anyway.
you do things because you do them. because that's what you are. because that's the channel or ditch you've decided to dig, and the waters of your life will flow and deepen and widen that ditch. because you decided. because you chose to put it there.
and there are always critiques. why did you do that? why did you put it there? but if you always critique yourself, you never live your life. sometimes you just need to say "fuck it" and do it.
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okay, i've not much else to report for the time being. goodbye.
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