a few days pass...
let's see, what have i been up to?
well, yesterday, i went with my wife over to waiahole, to get food from this one hawaiian place. the food was great. i got a laulau plate, which comes with laulau (of course), lomi salmon, haupia pudding, and poi. we also got a "sweet lady of waiahole" (i think named after a song), which consisted of haupia ice cream over warm kulolo. it was awesome. my wife had the "three ladies," which was the same haupia ice cream, but over some sort of banana bread pudding thing. her thing tasted a bit tarter. i actually liked the milder flavors of the kulolo.
anyway, the drive over was kind of nostalgic for me. over the course of my time working as an active acupuncturist, i used to go all over the island to work on patients at their homes. i recall working on one woman and another man who both lived out that way. i recall the woman living in a section that seemed on the edge of a development, wild in its own way, with stray cats roaming all over the place. the man, meanwhile, lived with his wife in a brand newish looking house close to, but not adjacent to, the shoreline...
that side of the island always seems so much more relaxed. i actually like going on that side, because it gives me a sort of perspective. as i may have mentioned before, i think i get caught up in the rat race of city life (even in my own home!) and forget that there is all this natural space waiting for me just beyond the mountains...
*****
i have been thinking about my writing... it is always such a struggle to write for a purpose. i've been thinking a lot about neil gaiman's admonitions to "finish things." it is exceedingly difficult for me to "finish things," and i find that when i try to exclusively focus on one thing, then it is not only painful, but it rarely produces anything of any worth (i tend to "drown in myself.").
in any case, i was thinking of handwriting my drafts, and then posting them on a blank wall, so that they become somewhat more tangible for me... i also, after listening to david sedaris, considered reading them before audiences, to get some feedback through their reactions (though i honestly think that no one would ever laugh at any of my pieces... i'm not intending to write humor, after all). i was thinking of paying people a nominal sum in order to listen to and provide me with honest feedback... that was all an idea, anyway. for now, i have yet to settle on a satisfactory process, one that i'm relatively happy with.
i may have mentioned this before, but lately, my writing process has become a small part of a larger cycle of routines. i usually listen to a masterclass session (that's why a lot of the commentary from the masterclasses is relatively fresh in my head), and then i write some blog post (essentially a diary entry), and then i write 4 pages of whatever gobbledy-gook happens to be in my head (very stream of conscious stuff, a lot of it pretty lewd and sexual, unfortunately, but occasionally allowing me to "see" or reexperience lost memories), and then i have (recently) tried to write 1 poem, and 1 part of a story. for the story, i set a timer for 30 minutes, and tell myself that i will either write 2 pages, or write until the timer goes off, whatever comes first. of course, i only end up writing a bit before the timer goes off... and my writing is never tied to one story (simply because the drudgery of continuing an ongoing piece is still so... ugh). and that's it...
i don't know... my feeling is... it's all about feeling. there's a way to approach things matter-of-factly, like getting down to business, but not in an avoiding manner... not in a hesitant manner... just sort of sitting and appraising things, and just writing what comes up. i notice that when i draw, i can sort of get into this mindset. i mean, there are things that i draw that seem impossible, or that seem very time-consuming... but i just take a breath and work at what i can in this one part (like, say, an eye, or the shadow on the philtrum, etc.) and each part leads to the next and to the next, and eventually, i am completing things... i wish writing could be like that. i guess the only big difference is that there is clarity in seeing a face when i'm drawing... but in writing, oftentimes, it's all up to me. it's all unfolding in me... and oftentimes, there's a disagreement, or mismatch, or discordance... because a part of me is just "making shit up", and the other part of me is already retching from what's coming out...
what i'd like to do, or what i'd like to feel, is a kind of simple clarity. things don't have to be perfect, but i'd just like the capability to "speak" without internally doubting what i'm saying. i just want to be able to say it sufficiently in this moment. later, yes, i can come back and reedit it, improve it... but before that can happen, i just want to be able to write without a "bad taste" in my mouth.
*****
oh well, not much else left to say.
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