i'm back, even though it is only a little while since i last posted.
i should also mention that the world is going to hell around me. i know that the background of our historical, hysterical situation is also feeding into a lot of the anger that i feel. at 2020, a few months before the election, this is the "great" america that trump has been working for. over 100,000 dead after a pandemic that trump repeatedly disowns ("not my fault"); and now, a race war, encouraged by our racist president. i think what's laughable is how things are so inconclusive and ambiguous on the ground with all the riots, and this asshole (and his ass puppet a.g. barr) have the gall to characterize the violence as being incited by antifa and the far left, when there is ample evidence that it is his own "very fine people" in the neo-nazi white supremacy movements... so, yeah, there is a lot of anger at thtat. but it also seethes at the people around me, who happen to be trump supporters too. i work with a lot of them, believe it or not. for whatever reason, they support him. as someone once said, the charitable thing is to call them "stupid" or "duped"; because if they aren't, then they are racist, sexist, self-interested, greedy, ... the list goes on. btw, i should mention that my brother and my own mother belong to this group of supporters. it even goes to my family.
i think the white evangelical movement has been one of trump's biggest supporters. and i fear that that's where a lot of support for trump comes from locally. whether it's a good thing or not, a lot of local churches aren't really local; they are just local branches, or franchises, of national white evangelical movements, that espouse a lot of the gop talking points, you know, the complete bs you see on fox news. and a lot of these people, who are otherwise kind people, well, they just eat it up. some of the support comes from their anti-abortion bias... i'm sorry, but no matter what your feelings are about abortion, if you don't see how the gop has duped people into thinking they are about "family values..." as a fact, with planned parenthood and other organizations, abortion has actually been occurring at the lowest rate in history, due to women having other options to prevent pregnancy. banning abortions does not stop them from happening. it only makes it impossible or deadly for women of poverty to obtain it (because wealthy gop senators can always pay to have their mistresses go, say, out of state, to take care of their indiscretions)...
in any case, those are my views on things. worst president ever. and we knew what he was like when he was running. and now that we have a confirmation of our worst suspicions, there are people who still... STILL... eagerly follow his wishes. which makes me- i don't know, disappointed is too light a word- disheartened in people. people all around me.
so i guess i should also mention that aspect of things.
*****
i woke up feeling like- i don't know- like my heart was breaking.
i guess i should mention some regrets. my school had been having problems securing an ea or educational assistant for my class. my former ea retired last year. i guess i am low on the priority list. they say that it's partially because i'm more experienced, but whatever the reason, they could not secure someone permanent for my class. i had a couple of people serve in that role this year, including a young girl who i felt was doing a great job. i guess the unfortunate thing was that the grade level i had mentioned previously- well, she felt like she was a strong part of their team. which she was. and i don't fault her for it at all...
in any case, she was let go. it all happened abruptly, without anyone communicating anything to me. it happened over the covid-19 "break." i had communicated with her briefly over texts, and tried to secure a job for her (because i was concerned about her employment status). but i suppose i failed her in a couple of respects. number one, while there was this day at my school where they did send offs for everyone leaving, well, i guess because she had only been a temporary hire, she was not included on the official list. i suppose i could have argued for her to have a send-off, but i didn't. i suppose i also could have advocated for her more vociferously- but i thought i already did; i repeatedly wrote to my principal urging him to keep her, telling him how great she was. but my experience has been that much of what i say isn't taken into serious consideration anyway...
so i feel bad about that. again, i feel concern for her, and if other opportunities come up, i'll pass them her way... but i guess, as with all things, she probably felt most comfortable with the other women on that grade level, and considered them to be most like her "team."
*****
i suppose i have a long experience with being- i don't know- the second. i recall moments. like when i had to interview the wrestling (formerly football) coach for some newswriting story. and how he kept saying how great my brother was, and why wasn't i more like him? or at my japan grandma's funeral, how my grandma's friend didn't really want to hear from me, and repeatedly gushed about how my japan grandma had always talked (exclusively) about my older brother...
there's this feeling you get that the world loves someone or something much better than you. and you can't compete with that. you just kind of sink away with this- i don't know- disappointment in your heart. and that sets you off in this game, where you walk away and feel dejected... and then try to prove yourself in various ways, prove that you are just as good...
i hate that feeling, but it repeatedly comes up. students who love other teachers, even though you worked with them more closely... co-workers, same thing... it hurts because it feels like you don't have a place in anyone's heart. and that's when you learn to distance yourself from the world. that's when you learn that you don't have a place in its heart. you're like a second-class citizen, a refugee. and you serve, but you don't belong.
i guess that's what i am, essentially. a servant. a serve the children, i serve to better the world. but i don't belong in it. i'm not loved by it. the world only loves the glamorous and the strong.
the irony is that the world loves my brother. but my brother committed heinous crimes against my family, crimes that even today he does not admit. it's a similar thing with my grade level. i have struggled to understand what i did wrong with them, even though i served them, and i did a lot for them or on their behalf... i did those things, but i'm not a part of their "team."
now, when they ask me to take photos with them, etc., i just flat out say, "no." because why should we take a photo presenting something that is not real?
*****
lowly. i serve. i serve the children. i serve the garden. i serve. i do jobs. i do tasks.
if i disappear, you won't miss ME. you'll maybe notice for a time that jobs aren't being done. but maybe you'll find someone better, more like a real human being, to replace me. in fact, you likely will. and the deficit will be erased.
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i think i need to speak to my hawaii grandma (she is sort of like my guardian angel, the only person i felt comfortable to speak to, the only one who SAW me). and i need to meditate. it's all very raw, all very painful. but i need to return to the sense that i am okay, that i am a caring and gentle person, that i am a human being.
i cannot change the coarses of rivers and oceans.
but i can choose to sink or swim.
and i have to find a reason to swim.
*****
in that sense, my wife saved me. i am so thankful for her. because i have walked through life with such a deep sadness and dejection buried within. i have been hollow for so much of my life. and my wife saw me, and still embraced me. and that made me feel like a human being again.
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