dream

i'm off cycle here, but i thought i would record a vivid dream i had last night. vivid dreams are extremely rare for me nowadays.

in this dream, i was back at williams, only it was a very different place. none of the landmarks were recognizable to me. at one point, i was getting ready to go to my first class, which, i believe, was a japanese language class held in "sawyer" (upon reflection, sawyer was the library, i believe). i headed in the general direction of where i believed that class was, but i got hopelessly lost. instead, i ended up in some sort of mall/class area. apparently, they had modernized to the point where a lot of classes were held in shops. for example, a store selling brass instruments also served as the music class. in fact, i seemed to have ended up in the music department or something. i remember thinking/feeling this sense that i had long lost, of this drive for perfection in everything... i felt it when i looked at the clear glass walls of this "music class" with some latin title... the sense of auditions... i don't know. in any case, i shyly asked someone, whom i assumed was some sort of professor- this sort of chubby mayan looking fellow- how i could get to the class i was looking for. he made some sort of comment that wasn't particularly helpful, and his boyfriend? and his wife? not sure, started piggybacking on him jovially...

in any case, i never made it to the class. i was feeling mildly panicked and tired by that point. it wasn't a great start for my year. i was already thinking of some sort of excuse, that i had only arrived on campus the day before, and wasn't particularly adjusted yet. i was thinking that i should have used my time before to scope out and search for my classes so that this calamity wouldn't have occurred...

i was walking back to my dorm. there was this open area in a park, kind of fenced off, and i noticed all these young college students (of which, supposedly, i was one) breaking out their cameras and taking pictures of something. when i looked, i noticed that this squirrel happened to be putting on some sort of show. it was munching on some nuts, and for some reason, looking mildly human or something. i'm not sure. but he was a sensation. i realized then that that entire fenced off area of the park was sort of an artistic installment or something, with shows occurring throughout the day. i even saw a buddhist monk- or a white guy dressed in monk's robes- pretending to act like the squirrel, aping after nuts or something... meanwhile, i was walking on an icy sidewalk to get back home, and periodically slipping whenever i stepped on a sloped part of the sidewalk. i was consciously thinking about the angle to place my foot to prevent myself from sliding, but it kept happening anyway.

i remember feeling acutely alone- different. it was, perhaps, the same feeling i had when i actually attended. always alone. why could i never enjoy life as those other students did? why did i not have friends (okay, i did have friends, but it wasn't easy for me to find or make them). i felt- sad.

i guess there was one other portion of the dream. i went to some sort of house. there were stairs leading up to rooms. only, there was some sort of strange arrangement. when i went up one set of stairs they ended in a wall? or a closed ceiling? then, when i went up the left set (for the stairs were paired), there was this strange arrangement, where when the door opened, a cloth? ceiling also lifted, but if the door closed, then the ceiling dropped. fortunately, i figured out that arrangement and walked into a darkened room. there was this female professor, black, with closely trimmed hair, almost bald. i mentioned something to her (i don't quite remember) and she brought out what looked like a box of macadamia nuts. when she opened the lid, she produced a drawing from willow, as well as one from me. apparently, willow had gifted her with this when she came earlier... i'm not sure. and she wanted to express her appreciation at this. i had this feeling, i don't know why, that the gift did not guarantee anything, and that this professor was just being gracious...

in any case, i also remember this moment where i saw all these people walking out of a building, this obviously gay man, bald, with a mustache, and bared arms, and other people. and i remember having this feeling of regret, that i could never have relationships with any of them, because- even here, in a dream, as a purported college student- i was married, and faithful. it's funny how there was that juxtaposition, that i was a young college student, but elements of my present, most notably my marriage and my daughter, still chained me to the future...

anyway, that's most of what i remember. it's impossible to capture all the details, because there were so many, but those were some of the most significant elements. no matter what, vivid dreams make me feel vast... like there are worlds within me. i don't really care what they mean or anything.