today was a strange waste. i did a couple of calls with my students, but for the most part, i was running errands. i did some banking, and then wandered the stores looking for random items. the pearl city walmart was a waste of time, and filled me with a kind of despair. all these people, wandering around, looking for stuff. me included. desparate. disparate. whatever.
i felt tired when i returned home, but i had to go pick up my wife from town, and then take her shopping. i was happy to see her, and all, but i was still tired...
*****
sleep comes like a drug in god's country...
*****
there is sometimes an anxiety, like something is wrong. and it disturbs me, it ripples me, it prevents me from being comfortable within myself, and able to express the true art, the smooth and the calm. but then again, is art created by disturbance? is disturbance the motivation?
*****
i heard from my wife that my mother sees my brother every week. that's more than i see her. i don't know. maybe he and his wife are trying to get in the good graces of my parents, so that it won't seem strange when they claim the entirety of the inheritance. i'm sorry, but that's how i view them nowadays. strangers. greedy, manipulative, conniving strangers. i mean, they judge my parents, they wouldn't even allow them in their own home when they took the trouble to drive over to drop off christmas presents... but on their own terms, and in their own clutches, they are friendly, friendly, friendly. it's all bullshit. all selfishness and pretense. that's what i think in this moment, in this moment when i am stuck in my pride and judgment, locked in this perspective of rage and hate...
yes, i hate them. i'll admit it. and while i'm at it, i'll say i hate everyone who was ever duped by them (which includes myself). how the world loves a trump. it's the same with them. they can see the injustice of them bald in the face, and yet, oh, how convincing his drama and woes are! how everyone sympathizes with the noisemakers!
*****
i will bear my pain in silence. and no one will know i ever existed.
and when i speak, in my bleating way, muffled by my own clenched jaws, no one will listen.
no one ever does.
them that's gots, will get. them that don't, will lose.
i will always be the loser.
and i will glower with hatred for that, even as i can never change the law of the universe. the fact that the firstborn son is always beloved by heaven.
fuck that.
fuck him.
*****
in the darkness, in the darkness... i will always serve humbly.
my path is one of continual and continuous effacement.
because the alternative is rage.
and i am capable of infinite rage.
i am capable of black hatred and fire, and the gnashing of teeth, the smashing of objects... i can be rage and hate unto destruction.
they can laugh at me, as i shout, but i am capable of killing- if only that law that was set upon me, the constraint of the second born, was not always in effect.
i am reluctant to befriend anyone, to be grouped, because to do so betrays the pure loneliness, the lonely purity. i know what it is like to be an outsider, and to sympathize and understand the hypocrisy they judge the world with, i need to always be an outsider.
so i don't care about you. i don't care if you see me or not. i know what the right path is. i know what it is to serve. and i will serve in continually increasing obscurity.
i will disappear right before your eyes.
*****
i don't know how to release this anger. this hatred.
*****
i like growing things. i like checking them, caring for them, making little changes to support them. i suppose i inherited something of my grandfather in this. i like to think there is something positive in this instinct to grow. i hope there is. maybe it makes me seem kinder than i am.
because in truth, i don't- i'm a vegetable heart. something unfeeling.
i wish i could, but maybe i've numbed myself to the hatred so much that i can't really feel love either.
i would die for someone. because it would pretend at love. i can't feel it, but i could give myself up in its name. and maybe then people would suspect that i was a human being for once.
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