i am home. it's thursday. things have been pretty uneventful. the only real errand i ran today was going to wahiawa to do some grocery shopping, and taking my kids out for ice cream (black sheep). at the moment, i'm in the bedroom typing and listening to my neighbor talk to his son. the son (who is probably in his 20s or 30s) can't say a single sentence without using the word "fucking." he belongs to the demographic of white non-college educated who is a hardcore trump supporter. nuff said on that.
i have been giving some thoughts on writing. i think i think about writing when i'm drawing. i spend a fair amount of time drawing now, and at times, i feel like i'm drawing some pretty intricate things (as far as i'm concerned, i still think faces are some of the most difficult things to draw convincingly). i sometimes have to recorrect proportions in the middle of the drawing, because they clearly are wrong- either i can tell visually, because things look "off," or i realize i have to because- well, it's like drawing a circle where the ends don't meet. in any case, what i'm trying to say is that writing is an involved, often times difficult thing for me... but i don't seem to complain or feel tired or despair. i just keep going with it. i always keep going until i feel like i'm done with the drawing.
this is not the case with writing. i think i've put off direct writing in a lot of senses. by direct writing, i mean writing precisely what i intend to have published. instead, i've written a lot "indirectly." most recently, i've taken the advice of judy blume and tried to write an entire notebook trying to work out my thoughts on a story... all before actually writing it. i think it was somewhat productive. it allowed me to think through a lot of possibilities... but i guess that's just it. they're all just possibilities. i haven't committed to writing "the" story. and, of course, it means i haven't committed to finishing the story either.
i am also reflecting on this because i've listened to adam mizner, this taijiquan instructor. and he has spoken about the importance of setting "skillful" goals. as he puts it, it is useless and inappropriate to set goals like: "i will be able to do fa jin (the skill of emitting or projecting jin- a sought-after skill in taijiquan) in one year." this is unskillful, particularly if you're just starting out, and have no idea of what's involved in mastering fajin. it's like saying you're going to get somewhere when you've never been there before... what mizner did recommend was setting goals that emphasize the causes, and not focus on the effects. so, saying that you would practice post standing for one month is a far better goal, because it emphasizes the practices that lead to development...
in that sense, what i'm doing IS beneficial, because it is a step in the right direction, and will likely eventually get me where i'm going.
i guess what i am pondering over is the age old debate about different pathways to enlightenment (or any goal, really): the gradual path vs the sudden, or unrelenting, path. as an old man, i think i tendto opt for the gradual path anyway. but i realize the drawbacks of it, the feeling that i'm never pushing through to break the barriers to the end.
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