it's another saturday.
on thursday came the news that trump and melania both tested positive for covid-19. before i could really stop myself, i felt a great sense of elation. i mean, come on, this was payback. the guy couldn't care less about the more than 200,000 people who had died under his watch. he and his administration had been flaunting a disregard for the basic measures that had been put in place to prevent the spread of the virus. so why shouldn't he catch it, and suffer for it? maybe it would teach him a little empathy.
but i guess i caught myself wishing ill on the president... and i feel a more measured reaction now.
*****
my son aiden failed a class this quarter. i had a long talk with him last night. my initial reaction was disbelief. i told him that it actually takes a lot of work to fail a class. i told him that you almost have to actively try to fail. (maybe not true, but hey).
i have felt a lot of guilt with regards to my son. i may have expressed my sentiments in earlier posts about this issue. long ago, when there were first signs of a problem with aiden, i recall reacting with a lot of rage. there was so much, in fact, that our (then) asshole neighbors put in a call to the school to file a report on me. but when the counselor talked to me, i kind of had a wake up call. maybe it wasn't productive for me to harp on my son so much. i learned about this thing called ialac (i am lovable and capable), basically this notion that the self-esteem of the child was important. and when i heard about how aiden's ialac was damaged, well, it broke my heart.
i think i bore the scars of that regret long after. i think that, ever since, i have been careful not to push my son too hard. contrast that with my daughter, whom i have pushed very hard. but then again, they are completely different children. my daughter is, despite appearances, very driven. my son, not so much. he has strengths in other areas. for one thing, i feel he is more affable and caring (in some respects) than my daughter. i always tell him that he "has a good heart." i also recently read one of his writing pieces, and i felt that, for all of his minor grammatical errors, he actually has a strong voice, one tinged with irony and friendly sarcasm.
but i guess those strengths do not balance out with some of his deficits. he has this pattern of behavior of basically "floating" and escaping responsibilities. whenever i ask him about how his school is going, he gives some patent answer, and then he returns to his videogaming and chatting with his friends. i have pretty much opted to not respond, or not pursue things, unless he comes to me to ask for help. i feel that it's no longer my place to "helicopter" and monitor him aggressively. maybe that is a fault or failing of mine, and maybe part of this is a kind of resignation (laziness) with regards to his performance. maybe a part of this is a holdover from the notion that i need to protect his esteem. maybe a part of it is this feeling that i cannot impose my own standards and expectations upon him. in any case, that's what i've done...
last night i had a relatively long talk with my son about these issues. i talked about opening his eyes to his life, being cognisant of problems, and addressing them directly. i told him that he needs to work hard, and ask for help when necessary... i told him that running away from your problems only makes them bigger.
... i also wrote a letter to his algebra ii letter. i in no way blamed the teacher, and basically said that we were disappointed in aiden. i did hint that i was not happy that the school had initially rebuffed our efforts to get him a 504 (accommodations) earlier in his high school career. i stated that i believed we should revisit the issue, now that we have had sufficient evidence of his difficulties... i only hope that it's not too late.
i'm sure that they'll come back and say that i haven't been active enough in monitoring and intervening on behalf of aiden as his parent... i don't think i'll have a counter to that, aside from this notion that he should be old enough to take responsibility for his own learning... (but this gets to the vicious cycle, or begs the question... if he did take responsibility for his own learning, then we wouldn't need all of these accommodations...)
*****
when i've done zhan zhuang and sitting meditation lately, i'm able to last 30 minutes without too much strain. i've noticed (or am able to sense/feel) the snarl in my right shoulder that makes it less mobile. it feels like this deep, small tangle. each time i am aware of it, i just think "open and relax," and move on... i also am constantly feeling my low back and hips tighten throughout the process, and have to repeatedly relax and drop the tension... not sure if i'm doing everything right, but at some point, you have to just do it, and correct your mistakes later.
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