yes, work started again. it's been a week since i last had the time to write in this blog...
things have passed in a blur. aside from the chaos of starting instruction again, i had to contend with issues relating to an iep. i definitely won't get into the particulars, but i will say that this is an entirely new situation with special education, due to the covid pandemic, and the setting of distance learning. i think generally that distance learning is a completely different animal, and that not all (in fact, i would say most) kids can't really access it. when you superimpose distance learning over such issues as inclusion and the least restrictive environment, well, you get a lot of chaos. i often think that removing the cloudy lens of distance learning can clarify issues, and this is what i find i have had to do in a lot of cases... distance learning IS unnatural, and kids should not be expected to be successful at it, immediately, or ever. to equate "inclusion" in the distance setting with face to face inclusion... well, you are comparing apples and skateboards... completely different.
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i started a writing workshop with jason fong. it was interesting, fun, but a little intimidating. the other members of the class are all either (employed) writers or actors. i come from no dramatic background. my perspective is limited to my work, and my solitary, solipsistic efforts at writing. i also write primarily in a short story format, with a lot expressed via exposition (i.e., descriptions of setting, the internal monologues of the characters). i'm not used to straight dialogue. in fact, i would say that dialogue is definitely not my forte. i discovered that a lot of my interactions are stereotypical, cringe-worthy, and wonky, both the back-and-forth of them, and the set up (the invented scenarios)... nevertheless, i enjoyed it, and found the quick shifting of the tasks refreshing. my main takeaway from the workshop was that i have to stop thinking, and just go with things...
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i've been practicing more zhan zhuang (standing pile) lately; it's been incorporated in my "routine." at the same time, i've been watching more of adam mizner's videos. this latest video that i saw was on what's called a song gong practice. this practice is primarily about softening the body, particularly the shoulders. i have noticed more and more the issues with my right shoulder. at certain times, even slight movements of my shoulder will result in a kind of clicking sensation, as the different muscles of my rotator cuff engage jerkily to allow my gleneral joint to turn. it could be my imagination, but after i did 30 repetitions of the song gong practice, it seemed as though there was less tension in that shoulder. i don't know if i'm doing it exactly right, but i'll continue doing it to get a bit softer and looser...
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i get very tired by the end of the week. don't get me wrong. i like engaging with my students. i do see some gradual progress with them, and what's even better is that they do too. when students sense that they're improving, they get a little excited... it seems, for a time, that the world opens up for them. they can do anything that they set their mind to... the last couple of students i worked with today got their first long division (4 digit dividend, 1 digit divisor) problem right...
but i find that when i get home, i almost collapse. i start to watch or read something, but i feel i have to lie flat on the floor and close my eyes and disappear... i want to just forget the world for a time.
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i had an insight about relationships, particularly sexuality... i realize that, for me, perhaps there is this inextricable tie to power dynamics. no, it's not so overt as a bdsm sort of thing (i think of "master and servant" by depeche mode). i don't deal in pain, either in receiving it or giving it... but there is a sense of what i keep referring to as "overwhelming," that is, dealing in pleasure to the point of- well, almost control... or even beyond. i think i referred to it as a redox reaction or something... this was imprecise, because a redox reaction has a sense of equilibrium, but in this, there is almost a sense of "reducing" someone, via pleasure, to a thing without thought or cognition, merely a sensate "thing." something fully released... i find that, for me, that has always been the goal: to be "felt" to the point of overwhelming. i don't derive so much pleasure for myself personally; in fact, that's precisely NOT my goal. in a way, if i ever get "overwhelmed" myself, then it works counter to my objective, because that would make me the powerless partner in this relationship...
i know, it sounds twisted, and it is twisted. i think it has something to do with this imprint during my youth, like when i was 4 or 5 years old. again, i was surrounded by these nubile teenage girls who always treated me like some sort of "mascot," but for whom i would never be taken seriously, i.e., as a romantic partner. i think that feeling has always stayed with me, the feeling of being this "innocuous" presence that no one really "loved" (in the sense of wanting me, physically). and, now that i'm older, i think this has morphed or mutated my notions of intimacy to- well, almost a revenge plot against my partners. like it's almost like i want to "prove" to my partners that i do have puissance, that i'm not just some cute innocuous sexless mascot...
it tends to work out, because i make people happy in the process. in fact, maybe, ironically, it just repeats the process... this notion of servility, only stepped up a level. the idea of intimacy as an "equal" negotiation of wants, that somehow eludes me... i mean, i personally don't want anything from my partner... except the opportunity to make them happy. i simply want to be what they want...
stupid, i know. i'm old, anyway, and maybe shouldn't be thinking so much about these things. these are my waning, downhill years, and perhaps i should be considering the end, and not so much about- well, these extraneous matters... but somehow, these images and memories return to me, and upon reflection, i just see patterns... infinite, repeating patterns... like the reinforced repeating walls of some crystalline prison... in my youth, i imagined this angel that could save me, redeem me, value me, and free me from this prison... but nowadays, i feel that angel never existed, and that there is no other world aside from these prisons, that i keep recreating, not knowing anything better or different.
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