it's been only a couple of days. usually on the weekends, i kind of blitz through my routines... i'm about at the point where i want to make some shifts to what i do. first of all, i (kind of scared) am set to pay about $500 to become a student of adam mizner. it's not a big deal (at least besides the price), because everything is online right now. i suppose he has videos for each and every week of the year. i guess i wanted to do this because i've seen his stuff. aside from being able to do some amazing stuff (things that i've wanted to learn forever, like fajin), he has a clarity in his way of explaining things... so, if i start to prioritize the taijiquan stuff, then some things may have to go. or at least be downplayed...
i'm also learning a lot from the writing workshop that i'm doing with jason fong. a couple of things... he kind of focuses things by setting a timer, or in some way limiting the work. a deadline creates pressure, and i suppose that that's key for writing. it is its very interminability that makes it so potentially flimsy and insubstantial. it's like water, i suppose. if you don't create pressure, then water (and writing) loses its force and shape... i also like that jason tries to create random prompts. the ability to simply jump into writing, to "not think" is key. i don't know how i would necessary emulate that sort of thing into my practice... unless maybe i found a sort of random word generator or something. it would have to be completely random to work. nothing thematic, or tied to what i'm doing... of course, these would just be exercises, to "free" the writing mind. when it comes to the actual work, that is, the planned and constructed stories, then that would be another matter entirely. i think i'd still keep the time deadlines, and the mentality of "not thinking" too much...
i guess another advantage of a workshop is that you can read each other's work. and you can give feedback to each other's work...
so, in those two senses, my routines will change. i was also thinking of upping things for my drawings. i am thinking of incorporating more color. maybe even learning how to paint.
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i am cruel to the family dog. that's a fact. i have wondered at this. i have wondered why i have this cruel seed within me. i think, at times, that it is akin to the notions of sexuality. not that i'm cruel in that sense, but both derive from this notion of getting something to "feel," and perhaps feel dependent upon me. they also both derive from notions of power, and of the fundamental unfairness of the world.
maybe i'm cruel to the dog because i feel that there is no space for the kind of coddling that, say, my wife offers to him. maybe i somehow feel that it's unfair, and that, in the interests of restoring a sort of fairness to the world, i "break the dog down."
i blame a lot of things on my brother. i claim that he ridiculed me a lot when i was young. he made me feel that my feelings were trash, that my opinions were not even worth responding to... he made me think that there was a different law or reality for the "cool people," and another for the shit people like me. basically that law was that the "cool people" get special treatment, in the sense that their feelings count and their thoughts are worthy of listening to... whereas the shit people, well, they essentially have no feelings that are worth hearing out. nor are their ideas legitimate...
it's so ironic, because having experienced that sort of thing, not just from my brother, but from the world at large, you would think that i would be passionate about restoring the balance, of justifying and empowering the disenfranchised voices of the world... but instead, it seems i repeat the very things that i hated...
why?
why is it that i feel it necessary to teach my dog that the world is cruel, and that no one gets what they want? ... i think in addition to this is the feeling that my dog hates me, or at the very least, is indifferent to me... how dare he? when i hold sway, when i am powerful (... like my brother)? it's really stupid. but when i see my dog treated extra nice by my wife or my son... well, something about this irks me. like, it's not fair. he should appreciate that he comes from shit. just like me...
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i'm not sure what else to say right now. i am feeling a bit tired. it seems that i've no choice really, but to trust in kakashi...
Well, thank you!
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