i've been sort of doing things out of order in my routines... maybe i'm worrying about the upcoming school year, and as a result, the structure of my life is starting to fall apart... but whatever. i'm also secretly mulling over how to manage the composting pile i've started, or the plants i've planted, or the worms, or the fish... i have this thing about trying to routinize everything. the routine is my way of trying to guarantee that i pay some attention to everything in my life. because it is so very easy to forget, and to neglect... it happens, inevitably, anyway... but my life right now is all about the attempt to hold it all together, in my heart, or in my head...
***break***
i've been going into school to set up my classroom. everything is in a jumble right now. 6 feet distancing... the fact that i can't do robotics (it's impossible considering the limitations under the pandemic), and that i can't continue to develop agricultural tech at the school... it kind of depresses me. i have decided NOT to bring in the aquaponics station back to the classroom. what would be the point?
while i was sort of working, i listened/watched videos about mitski. i only know one song by her, and it is "nobody." i thought it was somewhat... i don't know... as she puts it, the chorus is kind of like a semi-fugue... i know, i thought it was so naked. like someone simply putting out that they are incredibly lonely... in one respect i thought it was appealing, but in another... well, we clothe our intentions for many reasons, not the least of which is to hide our ugly parts... i also heard some other songs by her, on the npr tiny desk concerts. there, her songs sounded a lot angrier, and more folksy at the same time, if that makes any sense. from what i gather, a lot of her work SEEMS stream of consciousness...
*****
there is a part in the handmaid's tale (which i am reading slowly through now) where the commander admits that for men, variety is a necessity. that's why women have all of these dress up costumes (bunny, cheerleader, lingerie, etc.). it's because in order to be committed to one woman, he has to pretend that she is not one woman... and ironically, in the afterworld, the commander and all other men in power sleep with several woman, giving up even the fiction of commitment to a single woman...
i do think it hits a nerve. but it's probably true of both men and women. it's just that, for the most part, we've been in a patriarchal society.
i often wonder about faith. being faithful. i am. but there is an undeniable part of me that is restless... i yoke it in a variety of ways... but i think it is in the nature of people like myself to always wonder. the funny thing is that i cannot for the life of me imagine any other possibility than the life i have now. i mean, i try to, sometimes. i try to imagine what it would be like. but somehow i get lost in the little details (that i have to construct), and before i know it, i'm considering, say, the type of music that an imaginary partner would listen to, and what that would say about her, and then i'm no longer really interested in, or rather, i'm incapable of being convinced by, the relationship... i wonder if there's something broken in me. and i wonder if that's a good thing, that it is broken, because if it weren't, maybe i would, like a deluded sleepwalker, kill myself in the traffic of "disloyalty."
sometimes i wonder why people like me cannot be entirely satisfied with their present. i guess it's okay, as long as i don't betray things. betray people and commitments. my mind is allowed to wander. i can read about people and their lives... i can vicariously experience the world. i can train and develop myself to understand the world in deeper and broader ways... in that sense, it is wonderful. the liberation of it all.
but the world is full of doors and windows. and we cannot pause to open the windows and gaze at the view through them overlong. and we definitely cannot walk through the doors.
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