i am back again. i think as i become compulsive about this routine of mine, the wheel spins faster and faster and faster. i hope it doesn't blur into some sort of sloppiness. my hope is that the wheel spirals or even drills, and that i penetrate the bedrock of my reality and find a new space, a new emptiness, in which to abide...
not much to report today. i fulfilled my responsibilities. i didn't work on certain things, including the acupoints finals that i have yet to grade, or the hydroponics that i have yet to set up, or the rain catchment system that i have yet to build... i'm not sure. there's something comforting about a routine. like it will take you to some place you know. and it's good for you, in some way. and it has an end. i suppose i'm a lazy fool, and i only like to pursue things that end before i do. i'm not the sort that likes an infinity to stretch before me... except, of course, in the realm of desire, before i "run out." which i always do.
i don't get really obsessed with things, to the point of pursuing them at the expense of everything else. or i do, but i force everything to be consumed in bite-sized pieces. there are some that would say that makes me an amateur. but i would say (and have said) that i prefer myself to be the round sphere that rolls through life... and that the all-encompassing pursuit of any one thing has its consequences... things come back to bite you. or rather, the enemies that you forgot lay in wait for you, just waiting to stab you in the ribs and in the back.
yes, i had this thought. there is this notion of squaring the circle, and circling the square. ideas from martial arts. the square represents action that is linear, particular things like punches, which rely upon a linear vector to deliver a forceful impact in the shortest amount of time. the circle, meanwhile, represents the way that is not direct, but which is able to redirect or turn forces. thus squaring the circle, circling the square. the latter is, for example, applied in principle in aikido, in which the "square" energy of the opponent is redirected by the "circular" force of the target... squaring the circle means that when one is ensnared by the circular force, it helps to target the hold itself and break it with linear force. at least that's how i look at things. it is a never-ending play of forces, the circle and the square.
i think of this also with regards to objectives in life. and in this, there is sort of a dichotomy between zen styles and traditions and schools. the rinzai (or linchi) school of zen advocates sudden enlightenment, often accomplished through single minded (and often maddeningly compulsive) meditation upon single koans... the goal is to find a breakthrough. and by breakthrough, we literally mean a breaking of conventional consciousness to achieve a radical awakening. whether this awakening lasts, and is able to be integrated into "everyday consciousness" is a matter subject to question... in any case, its "opposite" is the soto (tsaotung) school of zen, represented in japan by dogen zenji. in this school, there is the idea of shikan-taza, which i translate (probably erroneously or simplisitically) as "just sitting." this is gradual enlightenment, that allows that simply the practice of sitting enacts buddhahood... and there is no positing of a goal above it. no reaching, in other words. i like to think that this is the idealization of process over end.
i tried to do rinzai method. i still sometimes recall and reenact that sort of practice. i say "who am i?" to myself in various moments, to break through the framework of my present thinking... but never with the expectation that an answer will spontaneously show itself up. i guess i didn't try hard enough, but i have always despaired of reaching the goals myself. i suppose i'm still of the mentality (even in buddhism!) that there is a god who understands all of these things, and withholds the secrets from me, and laughs in my face and my pitiful attempts. i'd say this comes from my brother, but i sometimes think it is something more primordial for me, like i was born with this chip on my shoulder... nowadays, i kind of do shikan taza or soto method meditation. i use the "koan" (it technically wasn't a koan, but something more fundamental and simple, according to shodo) of "who am i" to repeatedly reframe my awareness... to break out of attaching to the thought forms and reidentify or rather requestion who it is that thinks, who it is that breathes, who it is that... whatever. i think the constant and consistent reframing leads to a thinning of the strength of thought forms, leading to- what?
***
maybe i should practice what i preach, and meditate more. maybe i will incorporate it as part of my "routine."
***
i wonder at how broken i am. how judgmental i am. how neglectful i am. how incredibly lustful i am. all of it saddens me. and yet, i am attached to this thought form of a self. i am, as a writer, incredibly invested in making a believable narrative out of the story that is me. without it, what? i am afraid of the end. i am afraid of decrepitude. and at times, that's all i see in emptiness. the loss of virility. the softening of things. that old return of the feeling of being overlooked. of being ignored...
i guess that's the theme, and the impetus of me. no one saw my worth, so i am obsessed with being worthy. the flip side of that is that i do not see anything as worthy... or i don't recognize what is truly worthy, which is not... which is immaterial, mostly... subtle. things that cannot be captured by any valuation system. i am afraid of being unworthy... even more than i am afraid of being unloved.
sydney carton... that's his game. the resurrection game. i am the life, and i am the resurrection. if you don't believe it, then- what?
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