4/24/2020

and just like that, it's three days later. in addition to addressing my work responsibilities, i guess i kind of got stuck on my routines, and i was also wrestling with this inexplicable exhaustion that struck me over the past two days. i would make a brief call with a student and then crash on the sofa. the sleep felt like- well, like something inevitable. but just like rising from the ocean, the water of sleep made me feel heavy, and it seemed harder and harder to rise out of it. instead of feeling refreshed, i just felt more and more tired...

i still wrestle at times with dreams. with impossibilities. with anger. with rage.

i suppose i hate it when my position is threatened. my first reaction (after the disbelief) is to lash out. to defend myself. i suppose some of it is irrational. i justify it by claiming grievances from the day i was born, second, to an asshole. but i guess just because you were hurt before doesn't mean you have a legitimate claim to justice. and the violent hatred that you have accumulated within you from years of abuse, well, it is blind, and lacks discrimination. witness the french revolution (which i am reading about in "a tale of two cities").

honestly, some of the descriptions of the maddening crowd, the mob, found in that book seem- both horrifying and- prophetic. i worry that our world will turn into that one. we already have a mob of complete stupidity (i can feel the hate in me rising up). i hate, most of all, how those who support trump tend to be the most religious. i, who studied religion, who understand the motivations behind some of those phenomenon, who actually wanted to invest myself in those phenomena... well, now i call complete bullshit. the arrogance of those who hold a position of judgment over the world. i hate the smugness of those people, who are operating out of complete irrationality and ignorance... "in the name of." how can they live with themselves?

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in any case... i don't know what else is really on my mind. i guess... i'm just blah-ing now. this is my blah-g.

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one of my insights... i suppose i've mentioned this before... but in my old age, i can't push too hard to do anything. or else it all pushes back. and, again, there is a kind of guilt that accompanies that push back. sort of like a disruption in the current. have you ever seen water in confusion? at the juncture of multiple flows? there is a bubbling up that represents chaos and confusion. i don't like that disruption. i like the clarity of a clear path, an inevitability of direction. i wish life were always like that...

in the end, you make a choice, whether you make a choice.