it is now almost mid-april. the covid-19 stay-at-home orders have put a pause of sorts on normal life. to be honest, i've been quite happy to stay at home. i've worked a lot in the yard. i've fixed it up, cleaned out a lot of weeds, did a lot of pruning and such. and now, i have grand ideas of planting more food crops in the planter boxes, and also starting a hydroponics station in the garage. i guess i sort of got into the mode of focusing only on certain things, on certain projects, so i detracted or got away from doing my routines. i also, i feel, got away from a certain mentality of mine, which had its pros and cons, its positives and negatives. i suppose, in a certain sense, i lost my motivation for a lot of things... i have thought a lot about motivations. my insights sort of come and go, ebb and flow. but for a time, it seemed as though i "got something" about doing long, unending tasks like the yard work. there's always a tiny voice (actually, not so tiny) that says "why are you doing this? what a waste of time!" and i attribute it to a lot of different people, or i imagine a lot of different people saying this of me. people like my brother, or some people at work. people, who i imagine, are living lives of worth, active lives. and then there are counter voices. one that persistently comes up is that of my friend shari, who used to tell me, in response to a lot of my "whynes": "why not?" i love how that sort of voice, and tone, sort of short circuits a lot of the thinking in my head. ultimately, what i do is what i do, and that statement sort of allows me to sink into myself, deaf and blind to the mini-critiques of the world around me (imagined or otherwise).
i have imagined myself as a hole. i have imagined myself as some sort of storm drain. the water falls through me, and echoes into the dark and empty places, carried away to something else. nothing accumulates in me, in a way that matters. i have imagined that that is my problem, that there is somehow a hole in the bottom of who i am. you need to plug up that hole, says the kappa. otherwise, there is no saving you. who says this? why is there that ghost? what is the point of him, if it is only to- what? why couldn't it be a kappa? someone who cares for him? i want it to be the kappa, but there was a problem with him. what was his story? what was his motivation? maybe it was better to have randy drink from those bowls. but why? what is the purpose of doing that?
there are different mentalities. there is the mentality of trying to do things perfectly. of having a reason or a way to do things, and not just doing things "on the fly." and then there is that, the spontaneous way of dealing with things. the thing about the latter is that eventually it makes me feel dirty, it makes me feel as though i have sullied myself by acting in an uncontrolled (unfocused) manner. but then again... i think that there is maybe a problem when i "switch" over to that way of thinking, the "whatevers" kind of thinking. and i do do that, a lot, particularly when there are other people involved. for example, when i play in a game with my son, i automatically switch over to this mode where i just accommodate him. for better or for worse. i don't "care" about it in the same way.
i suppose that that is part of the problem. the response to other's voices. do i just back away, or do i assert myself? it is such a messy thing, to be involved in the lives or wishes of others...
there is also this consistent hatred of certain people that keeps popping up. i don't know what it is about me. i know the hatred is irrational, but then again, so are they. i think that there is a problem with uncritical thinking. i think there is a problem with the "group" mentality. i always stand outside and alone, because i have seen firsthand the problem with groups, with thinking you are a part of something, and with identifying with that. there is always the outsider, there is always someone who is left out, i don't care how inclusive the group thinks it is, and if you don't always radically pay attention to who that is, and how you can help him, then you just become a part of the problem...
oh well, just some random thoughts.
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