to sleep

yesterday, mother's day, we had a late b-day party for marcus at this boxcar racing place in kunia. i dropped off the kitten at aunty joan's. this was the "daycare center" we would bring the kittens to when we had to work. at 5:00 or so, aunty joan called me and told me that she was bringing the kitten in to the vet, because it wasn't drinking well, just like the first one had prior to its passing. i didn't want aunty joan to spend any money, because, quite frankly, the odds had been stacked against us from the beginning, and any investment would more than likely not lead to any improved chances of survival. but she did, and she got it examined...

after the whole boxcar racing thing, the kids and i headed over to the vet, which was actually pretty busy, considering it was a sunday evening. it was a long wait. finally, they called us into a separate room, and informed us that the kitten was heavily anemic (normal level=25, her blood count was somewhere like 11). the vet said that the most likely cause were fleas, which (i didn't know this) can overwhelm a kitten by sucking out vitally needed blood. lynn and i had been trying to pick out fleas whenever we could; we had wanted to bathe the kittens, but had read that this was inadvisable during very early stages... if we had known, maybe we would've taken better precautions... the vet also said it was possible that the kitten had a virus, and that a $500 blood transfusion wouldn't guarantee any improvement in the kitten's condition.

so we decided to put the kitten to sleep.

aunty joan was pretty broken up. the kids seemed fine with it, although i do know that death is a heavy topic, with secret consequences... i myself, i had cared for the kitten a lot, but all i could feel was this cold practicality. like, i kept thinking that we had tried our best, but maybe we had been fighting a losing battle. or, the next time, i'm going to try harder to get rid of those stinking fleas...

i would've liked to at least have had the kitten live until it could open its eyes. i had just begun to see his eyes breaking open, a kind of bluish cornea peeking through. it must have been terrible for the kitten, to not see this world, to only know it as a withdrawing of warmth, first from its mother, and then with the death of its sister... and finally, from its own fragile body.

***

we had dinner later, over at i-hop. (i know, terrible mother's day- but lynn had been working and i couldn't make reservations contingent on her schedule). service was pretty bad in that it took forever for us to get our food, but we understood. it's hard to work mother's day with a skeleton crew. anyway, at one point, these two guys left the restaurant, and on their way out, they slammed all the silverware and stuff off the counter so it all went crashing down. their girlfriends/wives followed, explaining (angrily) to the staff that they had waited one hour for their food.

yeah, maybe they had a right to be angry, but they shouldn't have taken it out like that. we were pretty much done with dinner by then, so all of us, aunty joan, lynn, me and the kids, went over to help pick up the silverware. i was really proud of willow and aiden, who did this without question, and helped out pretty enthusiastically. one of the staff looked like a grandmother herself, and we mentioned that it must have been hard to work on mother's day. the i-hop staff were appreciative, albeit stressed/frazzled. i could tell it had been a difficult day for them.

***

listening to my wife recount her work-day stress, it amazes me. my wife has a real sense about people. when people are a-holes, she can somehow push back in a cute way so that the a-holes are somehow ameliorated, happy even. i don't know if it's a girl thing. i actually don't think it has to be. unfortunately, when i push back, it seems like i've nudged the bottom piece of a jenga tower, and everything, EVERYONE comes crashing down on me. i guess i don't know how to be "assertive," whatever that means. i suppose i only say things when i really feel i need to, and by then, there's an edge to my words (even when i attempt to NOT be blunt). i wish i had my wife's power to turn a situation into a win-win for everyone.

grandpa hashimoto and nana offered to watch the kids last night, actually have them sleepover till tomorrow, and the kids seemed excited at the prospect. so last night, it was just lynn and i. i worked on her back and legs, which were really tired from all the hours she's been having to put in. then, we just talked about a lot of things, and nothing in particular. i mentioned to lynn about how lucky i am to have her. when things get tough, the two of us both sort of naturally fall in and take care of things, no complaints, and i'm glad of that. lynn has a real strength, a giving-ness. i always feel like we try to do the right thing, when it comes down to it, together. i never have to worry that lynn's "unhappy," or whatever; i never have to worry that, when there's trouble, i will have to fight a war on "two fronts", so to speak. i think we both derive our happiness from being given opportunities to do what's right; we're united in this.

i also told her that she grounds me (in many senses). i always have hidden anxieties about a lot of things, even (or especially) when i am outwardly calm. lynn, with her no-nonsense but caring personality, hears me out and manages to "cut the chaff from the wheat."

i honestly don't know what i would do without her.