it's not enough

it's not enough to hate yourself thoroughly it seems.

people seem to look down on you with disgust, when you make this admission, that there is, fundamental to who you are, a baseline hatred. they equate you with child molesters and child abusers. people who have little self-esteem, they think, seem to quite naturally express their aggressions upon the world.

i don't believe in this positivistic, constructivist nonsense. this feeling that you can simply turn off what you have seen, and what you have felt. and i think a little bit of self-hatred is at the root of what i am. i'm not going to deny it, simply because it doesn't fit into the happy-happy world i happen to find myself in.

i don't utilize it as an excuse, either for my inadequacies, or for my actions. it is simply my baseline. if i don't acknowledge it as a deeply felt feeling, then i simply will not move from there with authenticity...

the mind is terrible, the wounds are terrible. but if we don't feel where it hurts, then how can we deal effectively with our sickness? (not certain whether it even IS a sickness...)

...

i love others. i cannot define myself, i have few strong feelings that are "self" motivated. but in the face of others, particularly those who are vulnerable or suffer, i want to help, and my self-hatred is largely due to my powerlessness in the face of situations that i cannot change, situations which i cannot do anything about. self-hatred can be an impetus to change, or it can be an acknowledgment of the limits of mortal wisdom, knowledge, capacity.

i think this is natural. i'm sick of people thinking i'm pathological, or something. particularly people who sit in the general's chair, and rain down judgments and orders for the soldiers to "die more sincerely" in the front lines.

...

i once admitted that i loved working with preschoolers. to this, someone said blithely: "yeah, they're so MOLDABLE." i hate that. i hate people who would even say something like that as some kind of casual joke (okay, no, i don't, but understand that this was perhaps a person in authority).

i deal with people, all people, with the assumption that they want to be respected and acknowledged. i think that only people who have experienced a lot of ignoring and dismissal themselves (AND WHO HAVE NOT TURNED THIS INTO A CAMPAIGN AGAINST THE WORLD, or hardened their hearts) truly appreciate, on an instinctive level, the need to acknowledge ALL people. my aspiration is to really put this into practice in my life. it takes a lot of patience, but i believe i can do it. that is, be patient and try to really understand people FIRST, without passing judgment...

sorry, this is all just 3:50 am random nonsense.