depressed; waiting

i have my last final exam for the spring this afternoon. in, like 45 minutes. i think i'm prepared for it already. so i'm just hanging around the cec lab, killing time.

i think people are composed of two layers: the thinking self, and the feeling self. the thinking self is concerned with the coherence and consistency of ideas, including the idea of the self. the feeling self is far more amorphous, and its signals (aside from spikes) are far more subtle. the feeling self is affected by both the physical self (sensations of pain and pleasure, etc.) and by "ambient" (or spiking) signals in the environment...

here's the thing. the two selves rarely have to communicate with each other. i, personally, think i am almost always identifying with the thinking self. the thinking self is far more optimistic, even when it is being negative/critical. that's because it only deals with the consistency of arguments, logic, whatever. it only deals with patterns of ideas. it is like a juggler, deftly manipulating the surfaces, tossing them up in the air, catching them again, attempting to maintain this illusion of control.

the feeling self could be screaming or crying, and the thinking self wouldn't hear a thing. the thinking self might feel its functions mysteriously impaired; sort of like someone studying in a room where the lights have ever so gradually dimmed. but it will not understand, or deal directly, with the feeling self.

the reason i am conceiving of the self in this simple bipartite structure is that i think i am depressed (so what else is new?) for quite some time, and yet, because i am identified with the thinking self so much, i hardly feel or recognize it. i have been tired A LOT of the time, and have very little will to do much of anything. i conceptually know that it is completely logical for me to be depressed: my grandma has passed (something which i still feel i haven't fully come to terms with), two kittens in my care passed, and my adviser and observer both agreed that i shouldn't pass (i have big issues with that, but i promised not to bitch about people)... the world has dimmed around me, or within me, and my thinking self is sitting in the dark, and wondering why i'm not feeling more happy.

depression (as i conceive it) is something i've dealt with before. perhaps i haven't had a clinical diagnosis, but i think i've operated on a baseline of depression for extended periods of time, even getting "comfortable" with it (senior year of college was an example). i've just kinda trudged along during those times. i think it helps that i have never been particularly sociable, and, while there were brief periods when i felt i connected with people, and felt happy in the company of others (forgetting myself), i always knew that i would have to return home alone. i think if you begin from aloneness, then you aren't deceived so much by the promise of company (that it will remove all your problems, etc.), and when you go back to yourself, you don't feel quite so sad.

but still. but still.

i think i need a big rest sometime soon. i think i need to spring clean my life, and find some new inspirations. i need to spend more quality time with the kids, appreciate them (actually, my kids have ALWAYS been a buoyant force for me; whereas my wife grounds me, keeps me sane). i think hope is always out there, if you just give yourself time and space to find it. i suppose that that's what keeps me going, even when i feel (unrecognized) sadness and despair. maybe i just believe, as orphan annie sings, that there is still tomorrow. and all things must pass. even me.