there's something about 2 am.

lately, i have been waking at about this time spontaneously every night. i don't know what it is. it's not like there's something that happens...

...although tonight, there were a couple of cats yowling away somewhere, spitting and shouting at each other in conclusion (the neighborhood dogs were barking in reaction, "shut up!"). and then, there was a strange bird, a forest-sounding bird, singing its song to no one in particular (except me... and yes, this is so "wind-up bird"-esque... funny how a lot of things in my life seem to reflect that book, the one that i hated so much).

but all these disturbances came after i woke up. i had just been having some kind of dream about jennifer aniston (no, not that kind of dream). she was playing some role. she was playing this "good girl," and it was a prom or some kind of affair where people get all dolled up. i had never seen the movie before, but it was a scene where you knew something bad was going to happen to her, and it was going to be because of all the catty girls around her. but in this scene, she seemed oblivious (they always seem oblivious just before), and was actually singing a number about making everything special. she "fuffed" up a plate of what she called "dirty spaghetti" (these really huge "noodles" that she "lifted" like a bouffant hairstyle), along with other dishes...

...and just like that, i woke up. i could hear lynn breathing in the perpendicular couch. the silence and stillness (at least the initial stillness) was disappointing. i focused on sensations, just to keep from feeling this wave of- i don't know- self-hatred, self-disgust, depression, that keeps coming over me lately. and that's when the cats and the dogs and the birds came chiming in...

i spoke to my grandma briefly. i told her how much i missed her, etc. it's almost a cry for mercy. i feel i've been neglecting her memory somehow, and, in fact, neglecting consideration of a lot of people, a lot of things... but i'm so tired. it's taxing just to take care of what i need to, what is most pressing...

in brief moments, especially with the kids or with lynn, i try to forget. i delight in them...

...

this "afternoon" (or yesterday afternoon; it's 2:30 am), we went to the lantern floating festival out in magic island. we arrived later than last year's, so we didn't get to make a floating lantern; we just managed to write our dedications onto a tag that would go on another lantern. i was a bit irritated at this; it seemed like they had just run out of lanterns, like literally, the people just in front of us got the last one. and lynn thought, and i thought, oh great, what a way to remember my grandma...

so instead, we played in the ala moana waters... carried the kids around. tried (weakly) to encourage swimming... and then, just as the ceremony was about to start (we were making too much freaking noise), we left... as crowds of people were filing in, we, wet and disheveled, were walking out... mochi, candied apple with sprinkles, and home.

...

i keep thinking/reliving the stories i will write. and i keep thinking, why can't i write anything that is happy? why am i so fascinated with patterns of irony? life is... life is so many moments, so many feelings. sometimes i wish i could wake up and i would be a different person. not a different life. just a different me. because i think the me i am right now is stuck in a rut. stuck in trenches... dulce et decorum est pro patria mori. drowned in mud and fleas.

...well, the bird is singing again. the wind-up bird. so i will listen. and i feel a headache coming on. i must sleep. that's what people are supposed to do right now. tomorrow will be another "behind the wagon" drag. but i can hope that the death of sleep will reincarnate me into something better.