sad

i don't know what to do... i am so tired.

my brother's house flooded out after he used the second floor bathroom... apparently, as they don't even live there, the pipes burst from, basically, neglect. the water flooded the second floor, leaked through the ceiling, and flooded the first floor. i haven't seen it yet, but it sounds something awful. apparently the water flooding through the ceiling was bad enough to cause one of the ceiling fans to drop down and crash...

add to that some bickering bs. lynn was a go-between as far as determining a list for thomas and irene's upcoming wedding. and she happened to ask jani whether or not it would be possible to get a babysitter for landen and landry for that night. i guess it kinda came out wrong or something, because this really upset jani (and later dean), who felt insulted that they were being asked to leave their kids at home... so much so, that they weren't intending on going to the wedding...

i spoke to lynn about this (i myself heard about it from dean, who brought it up as an aside, distressed, as he discussed the whole house thing). lynn is already under a great deal of stress at work, and she was very emotional about it... she eventually made her way over to jani's house this evening, and "clarified" things; afterwards, though, she vowed never to trust jani again. in a way, i can't blame her. lynn always has the best intentions, she is never sneaky or conniving; why would it be different when she was helping to create an invite list for her father's wedding? i don't understand why people "get insulted"; and even if they were, why didn't they just ask for the reasoning behind my wife's request instead of holding back a grudge?

in addition to this, i worry about my sister. i worry about how easy it is to just forget about her completely. but i can't trust her. the last time she actually made an effort to contact me, it was so that she could get my parents to lend her $50 for shampoo. shampoo!? i don't know if she is "in trouble" or not, but she's unable to be straight with me; she's been unable for quite some time now.

i'm very sad. i notice i have been neglecting a lot of aspects of my life. in terms of finances, we've been paying the bills: but i've had to hold back from paying the credit card, not to mention my back g.e. taxes... i have a secret ongoing frustration with lynn, who withholds her share of funds, so that every month, it is a scramble on my part to get enough money in to pay off our monthly essentials (mortgage, etc.). i kept promising that as soon as things settled down, i would collect enough to pay off everything, and i could relax again. but that never came. and with all this budget crisis bs, i'm afraid that the doe stipend i counted on to both reimburse me for the courses i've taken, and pay off my future courses- well, that could be gone soon.

i'm sad, down... i am unable to focus on the nitty-gritty details of my life. i neglect to keep up my schedule. patients, i fear, will lose patience. i appear to keep up, i am a very good special ed teacher, i do homework with the kids... but i'm not okay at heart, at root. i just drift through my days. i've been far too addicted to facebook, as though hearing other people "talk" to me will make it all better. but already, i sense i have offended people; they don't respond to me, or not in the same way... maybe, i think, it is time to back off from it; and also this blog, i think it's time to turn it off for a while, make it into strictly a personal log...

i am tired. bleeding. i want to sleep forever... i'm happy about obama, but not so happy that it makes me forget all the serious bad that is in my family. i need to be strong, but there is so little that i can do. i mean, my brother has a serious problem, i've thought he did, for quite some time. he is in a stressful job; his family situation is stressful. i wish he could calm down enough to obtain some basic wisdom, but that's never going to happen. and as a result, he's going to keep firing managers, and his kids are just going to drive him up the walls... i don't know how to provide guidance to people. i'm more of a step in and take care of it kind of guy myself... i would like to do that, but i'm not authorized, and right now, i just don't have the strength...

i want to help my parents so badly too, but am not in a position to do so...

god help me god help me...

god help my brother, god help my sister... keep my family safe, and while you're at it, give them some measure of peace. i realize that without them, i am nothing.

i am so tired. but give me the strength to help. i need to help. i need help.