there is a vast country between the idea and its fulfillment. there, i wonder, not knowing what buttons to press to get this machine moving. nowadays, i don't care any more, not for any intellectual reasons per se, but because i am simply too tired to care, i can't summon enough up to be inspired, to "get it up." i just want to fade away in the clean of dreams...
i dreamed tonight i was somehow moving back into a dorm room at williams... recalling phil mentioning something about wood house or something... seeing the old geography of the buildings, and suddenly remembering, having memories... only, these were contrived, in retrospect, because the rooms were never like this. all the things in storage. old buildings, renovated. my kids were still with me, strangely enough. but all around was this loneliness, emptiness, that was so pervasive and accepted that it wasn't sad, only sad in retrospect. something missing. always missing. like i am so hollow...
no one reads me. i don't want anyone to read me.
please, i will accomplish one task, and i must fall away again. i must drown myself in tears once again...
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