hey, sorry, didn't post anything up for thanksgiving. yes, it was a LOT of food. we went to two thanksgiving day celebrations, one at my grandma's house in ewa beach, and another at my father-in-law's in pearl city. both were nice. in between, i had to make honeyed yams because lynn was really busy getting ready for the crazy black friday sale over at her store in waikele (did you know that waikele opened at 12 am!? crazy!!!). i of course cut some of the yams too thin, which meant that it didn't cook very evenly. i didn't even try it. a word of advice, if you know you can't cook, don't be the poison tester for your own productions... unless you have no other choice. people said it was good, but then again, people are very polite. lynn, of course, told me straight in the face that i'd "compromised" it (ain't love great!? such brutal honesty...)
so lynn really really had it tough. she was making signs for some of the deals the company laid out. one of them was a teddy bear offer if you bought a certain amount of goods. i helped her out with the sign for it, telling her it might be topical to write: "bear market!" and for this "mixed set" consisting of hazelnut coffee (decaf), and white chocolate with raspberry mousse, among other things, i offered: "diversify with our mixed portfolio!" i don't know... maybe people don't exactly want to be reminded about how bad things are. then again, maybe there are some who would appreciate a little bit of gallows humor...
friday and saturday (and today, sunday) found me working on people... and there's a whole lot of work for school. this week, our sped class will be working on making iMovies for the folktales that they have written. and since i seem to be the resident expert on using iMovies, i've got to prepare our teacher-made video, and create notes for the kids on how to use iMovie... on top of that, our 611 class is supposed to do a presentation on language arts strategies, and i've got to complete a powerpoint for that, with a focus on written expression... in addition, my last observed lesson will take place on tuesday, which means i'm going to have to create a scripted lesson plan... also, icaom classes are winding down, and i've got to finish up my acupoints class successfully... we'll see how it all pans out.
i AM thankful for my life. i always imagine zen monks in the midst of the chaos of the warring states period. it must have felt like the end of the world every day for them, and yet they maintained the equanimity and mountain-like calm they are famous for. i need to do the same.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
pawn: etymology
pawn (1)
"something left as security," 1496 (c.1145 as Anglo-L. pandum), from O.Fr. pan, pant "pledge, security," also "booty, plunder," perhaps from Frank. (cf. O.H.G. pfant, Ger. Pfand, M.Du. pant, O.Fris. pand "pledge"), from W.Gmc. *panda, of unknown origin. The O.Fr. word is identical to pan "cloth, piece of cloth," from L. pannem (nom. pannus) "piece of cloth," and some feel this is the source of both the O.Fr. and W.Gmc. words (perhaps on the notion of cloth used as a medium of exchange). The verb is first attested 1567, from the noun. Pawnbroker is from 1687; pawn-shop is from 1849.
pawn (2)
"lowly chess piece," 1369, from Anglo-Fr. poun, O.Fr. peon, earlier pehon, from M.L. pedonem "foot soldier," from L.L. pedonem (nom. pedo) "one going on foot," from L. pes (gen. pedis) "foot" (see foot). The chess sense was in O.Fr. by 13c. Fig. use, of persons, is from 1589.
"something left as security," 1496 (c.1145 as Anglo-L. pandum), from O.Fr. pan, pant "pledge, security," also "booty, plunder," perhaps from Frank. (cf. O.H.G. pfant, Ger. Pfand, M.Du. pant, O.Fris. pand "pledge"), from W.Gmc. *panda, of unknown origin. The O.Fr. word is identical to pan "cloth, piece of cloth," from L. pannem (nom. pannus) "piece of cloth," and some feel this is the source of both the O.Fr. and W.Gmc. words (perhaps on the notion of cloth used as a medium of exchange). The verb is first attested 1567, from the noun. Pawnbroker is from 1687; pawn-shop is from 1849.
pawn (2)
"lowly chess piece," 1369, from Anglo-Fr. poun, O.Fr. peon, earlier pehon, from M.L. pedonem "foot soldier," from L.L. pedonem (nom. pedo) "one going on foot," from L. pes (gen. pedis) "foot" (see foot). The chess sense was in O.Fr. by 13c. Fig. use, of persons, is from 1589.
demon
this morning, at 2 or 3 am, i woke up with this strong feeling in my gut... yes, it was back again... the old self-hatred. this inexplicable recrimination and guilt that has pursued me from i can't remember when... it is a feeling that claws at my life from the inside, hollows me out, claims that i am only a skin that has no right to fill out a smile, or bellow out a laugh, or even cry tears. it insists that there is nothing in me of substance or consistency... there is no reasoning with this feeling, since it has no basis in reason. my claims to the contrary fall into it like pennies into an endless well. the echoes of their descent rebound to me like a laugh, like a hissing angry want-to-do-me-ill sound...
i don't know how to respond to this feeling... there were times, when i was all alone, and nobody cared, when i would "invent a ritual" to mark and symbolize my internal hatred... as someone said in religion class, people get tattoos not because they want to permanency, but precisely because they HURT. there is something about pain that brings us close to some measure of truth... but of course, for me, the pain was purely aesthetic, a kind of tension, like muscles trying to break their housings... all self-hatred, in a sense, is aesthetic, at least when it is motivated by the ego... for the ego seeks control, and what better way to control things than by inventing an enemy that can never be destroyed, nor escaped from? so, as i was saying, an aesthetic ritual was invented... i would take things from my life, from my self, old letters, old things, that only reminded me of the confinement of my skin, only reflected the hollowness and emptiness of my life, and i would "destroy them." cd's, for example, since they seemed to be the most accessible and "shiny" offerings, i would slowly bend in my hands, repeatedly, until the hard plastic edges would begin to cut into my skin. over and over, i'd do this, and slowly arrange the pieces into patterns on my dorm room floor... and then, afterwards, i'd wrap my hands and bundle up into something warm, perhaps wearing my shin guards, and walk out into the snowy grove behind my dorm, out beyond the silent unhearing gravestones, and beneath the roar of the wind, i'd pound my fists into the bark of the conifer trees, i don't know why... back then, i pretended someone cared enough to see me, and then i hated myself for pretending this, claiming that there was no sincerity in my pain, because true feeling of any sort doesn't need an audience, in fact, it rebels against all audiences... but stubbornly, perhaps because there was at the heart of this stupid struggle, such a feeling of aloneness, stubbornly, there would be the residue of a hope, a kind of paranoia, a desire for someone to catch my strange figure (like a ghost) in the stormy night, someone to spare a thought for the oddness of me, someone to waste a moment in silent observation...
yes, i remember the dark times... days, weeks, passing, the struggle to maintain some facade of consistency, like styrofoam over a stormy sea... the nights were awful, alternating between a desire for exposure, to be seen, and this terrible clawing hatred that buckled me in the gut and found relief (only temporary) in stacking everything on top of myself, burying myself, concealing myself in a grave...
this is the feeling that i am always a fugitive of... i have always been a fugitive from. the voice that calls me nothing. the voice that says it knows me better than i know myself...
this is my demon. and my demon is so confounded with me, that i might as well call it myself, even though it is not. not me, no one else...
since it is unanswerable, since no philosophy or rationality can touch it, my responses have been largely irrational: again, the "rituals." or, my belief in "skin" and "blindness," the wisdom of oedipus, AFTER oedipus rex... he was wise, he knew the true stature of man, man who claims to be king over circumstance, man who is nothing other than a pawn for forces beyond his control or reckoning... how is it possible to continue after the realization? a continual contextualization, a continual blindness... to stand on the precipice of moments, and to just fall, usually fully unprepared, somewhat uncaring for the consequence... not a bravery, because what i confront in the outside world is nothing compared for the demon i cannot wrestle with inside...
sleep and dreams... i want to forget. i want to be clean... and now, i have those i love and care about more than myself... i can, for a time, be strong enough for them... i have to be...
i don't know how to respond to this feeling... there were times, when i was all alone, and nobody cared, when i would "invent a ritual" to mark and symbolize my internal hatred... as someone said in religion class, people get tattoos not because they want to permanency, but precisely because they HURT. there is something about pain that brings us close to some measure of truth... but of course, for me, the pain was purely aesthetic, a kind of tension, like muscles trying to break their housings... all self-hatred, in a sense, is aesthetic, at least when it is motivated by the ego... for the ego seeks control, and what better way to control things than by inventing an enemy that can never be destroyed, nor escaped from? so, as i was saying, an aesthetic ritual was invented... i would take things from my life, from my self, old letters, old things, that only reminded me of the confinement of my skin, only reflected the hollowness and emptiness of my life, and i would "destroy them." cd's, for example, since they seemed to be the most accessible and "shiny" offerings, i would slowly bend in my hands, repeatedly, until the hard plastic edges would begin to cut into my skin. over and over, i'd do this, and slowly arrange the pieces into patterns on my dorm room floor... and then, afterwards, i'd wrap my hands and bundle up into something warm, perhaps wearing my shin guards, and walk out into the snowy grove behind my dorm, out beyond the silent unhearing gravestones, and beneath the roar of the wind, i'd pound my fists into the bark of the conifer trees, i don't know why... back then, i pretended someone cared enough to see me, and then i hated myself for pretending this, claiming that there was no sincerity in my pain, because true feeling of any sort doesn't need an audience, in fact, it rebels against all audiences... but stubbornly, perhaps because there was at the heart of this stupid struggle, such a feeling of aloneness, stubbornly, there would be the residue of a hope, a kind of paranoia, a desire for someone to catch my strange figure (like a ghost) in the stormy night, someone to spare a thought for the oddness of me, someone to waste a moment in silent observation...
yes, i remember the dark times... days, weeks, passing, the struggle to maintain some facade of consistency, like styrofoam over a stormy sea... the nights were awful, alternating between a desire for exposure, to be seen, and this terrible clawing hatred that buckled me in the gut and found relief (only temporary) in stacking everything on top of myself, burying myself, concealing myself in a grave...
this is the feeling that i am always a fugitive of... i have always been a fugitive from. the voice that calls me nothing. the voice that says it knows me better than i know myself...
this is my demon. and my demon is so confounded with me, that i might as well call it myself, even though it is not. not me, no one else...
since it is unanswerable, since no philosophy or rationality can touch it, my responses have been largely irrational: again, the "rituals." or, my belief in "skin" and "blindness," the wisdom of oedipus, AFTER oedipus rex... he was wise, he knew the true stature of man, man who claims to be king over circumstance, man who is nothing other than a pawn for forces beyond his control or reckoning... how is it possible to continue after the realization? a continual contextualization, a continual blindness... to stand on the precipice of moments, and to just fall, usually fully unprepared, somewhat uncaring for the consequence... not a bravery, because what i confront in the outside world is nothing compared for the demon i cannot wrestle with inside...
sleep and dreams... i want to forget. i want to be clean... and now, i have those i love and care about more than myself... i can, for a time, be strong enough for them... i have to be...
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
attrition
yes, so i am finally opening up this blog again to "anybody." there was a period when i was posting things that maybe were a bit too personal; as it is, maybe i continue to leave things that i should have hidden. but it's far too late for that... i guess i was also feeling a bit overwhelmed. like a lot of people (but perhaps not to the same degree), there have been a lot of things going on... the economy, for certain, but also other things, perhaps not directly related to the downturn of things of late, but things that revealed themselves in the face of the more overt crises...
it was also sometime about now, last year, that i first began this whole blogging venture. so you could say that, at the one year anniversary, i decided to close up shop. bag it. keep it for posterity, but not let anyone read it...
i actually started a new blog, called marsilani2... but i only posted a couple of things on it, and when i come around to it, maybe i'll transfer those two useless entries here...
there's a phenomena that occurs when you allow yourself to share too much of yourself. at a certain point, you start to run empty or run dry, and you become intimately aware of your patterns, your endless repetitive patterns, because they keep turning up in everything you write, everything you think. when you run up against that realization, it can really stop you in your tracks, sap your will to do much of anything... we all want to feel as though we carry the potentiality of the universe within us (even though, deep down, i'm sure we all realize that we are "one-horse annies")... we all want to feel that there are sides of ourselves that are unseen, or barely hinted at, and these "facets" keep us fascinating, and relevant... but no, we are who we are, and who we are is, ultimately, finite... we as individuals are just glinting fragments of an endless unswallowable sea...
some updates that aren't really updates... i continue to enjoy teaching. in fact, i'm getting, i feel, better at it, in the sense that the kids and i have come to a relaxed and easy relationship. i think kids sense whether or not you're on their side or not (and ultimately, you have to be on their side, even when you're trying to coerce them into doing something they don't realize the importance of), and they may play with you, or "play you," but ultimately, they'll know that you're trying to help them... on that level, yes, i think i'm growing to "love" my students...
on another level, i'm thinking about pedagogy, how to teach all of the various aspects of language arts (and, for that matter, all subject matter). i am thinking about this partially for when i have to teach language arts, and develop a systematic and thorough program for my students. but i am also, of course, thinking about how to teach my own children (willow and aiden). it's actually quite fascinating... i never thought about how complex a thing reading is until i had to attempt to teach it to my own kids... actually, willow has no problem with it (as, i recall, was true of myself), but aiden has several issues with reading, and with any endeavor requiring focused attention. it frustrated (and frustrates) me to no end how he would "turn off" and become distractable whenever i would even hint at drilling phonics, etc. this, i think, is the essence of the problem for educators/parents... most, when confronting this sort of "wall," start to become the bad-ass disciplinarian... and, don't get me wrong, for some kids, like aiden, an element of that is necessary. but curriculum-wise, the "teacher" in me is always thinking about how to break a task down into its simplest, easily digestible components, AND how to make those components palatable, interesting even...
never let it be said that the job of a teacher is simply to know his/her s**t. more than that, you have to know how to teach what you know. i'm continually reminded of this. that's the fun of the game of teaching. that's the work of compassion involved in it. compassion. kuan yin, although commonly depicted as a version of white tara, kuan yin is able to manifest in many forms, each suitable to the needs of a particular individual, at a particular moment. in other words, compassion is flexible, resilient, and takes the appropriate form to meet the appropriate need. insofar as a teacher is compassionate, s/he must be the same as kuan yin, changing to best serve the needs of the student.
well, maybe that's enough nothing to write about for now... i can't think of many thoughts that have really run through my head...
oh yeah, here's one. it was actually from last week's npr talk of the nation science friday. instead of bailing out the big 3 auto makers, why not have companies like tesla and mini (which have been able to produce working electric cars that can go 100 miles on a single charge) take over the big 3 auto factories, and retrofit them to mass produce their electric cars? 1) innovation will make the big 3 competitive again; 2) cut down on dependence to oil, and carbon emissions; 3) the big 3 workers can keep their jobs... just a thought.
it was also sometime about now, last year, that i first began this whole blogging venture. so you could say that, at the one year anniversary, i decided to close up shop. bag it. keep it for posterity, but not let anyone read it...
i actually started a new blog, called marsilani2... but i only posted a couple of things on it, and when i come around to it, maybe i'll transfer those two useless entries here...
there's a phenomena that occurs when you allow yourself to share too much of yourself. at a certain point, you start to run empty or run dry, and you become intimately aware of your patterns, your endless repetitive patterns, because they keep turning up in everything you write, everything you think. when you run up against that realization, it can really stop you in your tracks, sap your will to do much of anything... we all want to feel as though we carry the potentiality of the universe within us (even though, deep down, i'm sure we all realize that we are "one-horse annies")... we all want to feel that there are sides of ourselves that are unseen, or barely hinted at, and these "facets" keep us fascinating, and relevant... but no, we are who we are, and who we are is, ultimately, finite... we as individuals are just glinting fragments of an endless unswallowable sea...
some updates that aren't really updates... i continue to enjoy teaching. in fact, i'm getting, i feel, better at it, in the sense that the kids and i have come to a relaxed and easy relationship. i think kids sense whether or not you're on their side or not (and ultimately, you have to be on their side, even when you're trying to coerce them into doing something they don't realize the importance of), and they may play with you, or "play you," but ultimately, they'll know that you're trying to help them... on that level, yes, i think i'm growing to "love" my students...
on another level, i'm thinking about pedagogy, how to teach all of the various aspects of language arts (and, for that matter, all subject matter). i am thinking about this partially for when i have to teach language arts, and develop a systematic and thorough program for my students. but i am also, of course, thinking about how to teach my own children (willow and aiden). it's actually quite fascinating... i never thought about how complex a thing reading is until i had to attempt to teach it to my own kids... actually, willow has no problem with it (as, i recall, was true of myself), but aiden has several issues with reading, and with any endeavor requiring focused attention. it frustrated (and frustrates) me to no end how he would "turn off" and become distractable whenever i would even hint at drilling phonics, etc. this, i think, is the essence of the problem for educators/parents... most, when confronting this sort of "wall," start to become the bad-ass disciplinarian... and, don't get me wrong, for some kids, like aiden, an element of that is necessary. but curriculum-wise, the "teacher" in me is always thinking about how to break a task down into its simplest, easily digestible components, AND how to make those components palatable, interesting even...
never let it be said that the job of a teacher is simply to know his/her s**t. more than that, you have to know how to teach what you know. i'm continually reminded of this. that's the fun of the game of teaching. that's the work of compassion involved in it. compassion. kuan yin, although commonly depicted as a version of white tara, kuan yin is able to manifest in many forms, each suitable to the needs of a particular individual, at a particular moment. in other words, compassion is flexible, resilient, and takes the appropriate form to meet the appropriate need. insofar as a teacher is compassionate, s/he must be the same as kuan yin, changing to best serve the needs of the student.
well, maybe that's enough nothing to write about for now... i can't think of many thoughts that have really run through my head...
oh yeah, here's one. it was actually from last week's npr talk of the nation science friday. instead of bailing out the big 3 auto makers, why not have companies like tesla and mini (which have been able to produce working electric cars that can go 100 miles on a single charge) take over the big 3 auto factories, and retrofit them to mass produce their electric cars? 1) innovation will make the big 3 competitive again; 2) cut down on dependence to oil, and carbon emissions; 3) the big 3 workers can keep their jobs... just a thought.
Monday, November 10, 2008
a great depression
there is a vast country between the idea and its fulfillment. there, i wonder, not knowing what buttons to press to get this machine moving. nowadays, i don't care any more, not for any intellectual reasons per se, but because i am simply too tired to care, i can't summon enough up to be inspired, to "get it up." i just want to fade away in the clean of dreams...
i dreamed tonight i was somehow moving back into a dorm room at williams... recalling phil mentioning something about wood house or something... seeing the old geography of the buildings, and suddenly remembering, having memories... only, these were contrived, in retrospect, because the rooms were never like this. all the things in storage. old buildings, renovated. my kids were still with me, strangely enough. but all around was this loneliness, emptiness, that was so pervasive and accepted that it wasn't sad, only sad in retrospect. something missing. always missing. like i am so hollow...
no one reads me. i don't want anyone to read me.
please, i will accomplish one task, and i must fall away again. i must drown myself in tears once again...
i dreamed tonight i was somehow moving back into a dorm room at williams... recalling phil mentioning something about wood house or something... seeing the old geography of the buildings, and suddenly remembering, having memories... only, these were contrived, in retrospect, because the rooms were never like this. all the things in storage. old buildings, renovated. my kids were still with me, strangely enough. but all around was this loneliness, emptiness, that was so pervasive and accepted that it wasn't sad, only sad in retrospect. something missing. always missing. like i am so hollow...
no one reads me. i don't want anyone to read me.
please, i will accomplish one task, and i must fall away again. i must drown myself in tears once again...
Saturday, November 8, 2008
sad
i don't know what to do... i am so tired.
my brother's house flooded out after he used the second floor bathroom... apparently, as they don't even live there, the pipes burst from, basically, neglect. the water flooded the second floor, leaked through the ceiling, and flooded the first floor. i haven't seen it yet, but it sounds something awful. apparently the water flooding through the ceiling was bad enough to cause one of the ceiling fans to drop down and crash...
add to that some bickering bs. lynn was a go-between as far as determining a list for thomas and irene's upcoming wedding. and she happened to ask jani whether or not it would be possible to get a babysitter for landen and landry for that night. i guess it kinda came out wrong or something, because this really upset jani (and later dean), who felt insulted that they were being asked to leave their kids at home... so much so, that they weren't intending on going to the wedding...
i spoke to lynn about this (i myself heard about it from dean, who brought it up as an aside, distressed, as he discussed the whole house thing). lynn is already under a great deal of stress at work, and she was very emotional about it... she eventually made her way over to jani's house this evening, and "clarified" things; afterwards, though, she vowed never to trust jani again. in a way, i can't blame her. lynn always has the best intentions, she is never sneaky or conniving; why would it be different when she was helping to create an invite list for her father's wedding? i don't understand why people "get insulted"; and even if they were, why didn't they just ask for the reasoning behind my wife's request instead of holding back a grudge?
in addition to this, i worry about my sister. i worry about how easy it is to just forget about her completely. but i can't trust her. the last time she actually made an effort to contact me, it was so that she could get my parents to lend her $50 for shampoo. shampoo!? i don't know if she is "in trouble" or not, but she's unable to be straight with me; she's been unable for quite some time now.
i'm very sad. i notice i have been neglecting a lot of aspects of my life. in terms of finances, we've been paying the bills: but i've had to hold back from paying the credit card, not to mention my back g.e. taxes... i have a secret ongoing frustration with lynn, who withholds her share of funds, so that every month, it is a scramble on my part to get enough money in to pay off our monthly essentials (mortgage, etc.). i kept promising that as soon as things settled down, i would collect enough to pay off everything, and i could relax again. but that never came. and with all this budget crisis bs, i'm afraid that the doe stipend i counted on to both reimburse me for the courses i've taken, and pay off my future courses- well, that could be gone soon.
i'm sad, down... i am unable to focus on the nitty-gritty details of my life. i neglect to keep up my schedule. patients, i fear, will lose patience. i appear to keep up, i am a very good special ed teacher, i do homework with the kids... but i'm not okay at heart, at root. i just drift through my days. i've been far too addicted to facebook, as though hearing other people "talk" to me will make it all better. but already, i sense i have offended people; they don't respond to me, or not in the same way... maybe, i think, it is time to back off from it; and also this blog, i think it's time to turn it off for a while, make it into strictly a personal log...
i am tired. bleeding. i want to sleep forever... i'm happy about obama, but not so happy that it makes me forget all the serious bad that is in my family. i need to be strong, but there is so little that i can do. i mean, my brother has a serious problem, i've thought he did, for quite some time. he is in a stressful job; his family situation is stressful. i wish he could calm down enough to obtain some basic wisdom, but that's never going to happen. and as a result, he's going to keep firing managers, and his kids are just going to drive him up the walls... i don't know how to provide guidance to people. i'm more of a step in and take care of it kind of guy myself... i would like to do that, but i'm not authorized, and right now, i just don't have the strength...
i want to help my parents so badly too, but am not in a position to do so...
god help me god help me...
god help my brother, god help my sister... keep my family safe, and while you're at it, give them some measure of peace. i realize that without them, i am nothing.
i am so tired. but give me the strength to help. i need to help. i need help.
my brother's house flooded out after he used the second floor bathroom... apparently, as they don't even live there, the pipes burst from, basically, neglect. the water flooded the second floor, leaked through the ceiling, and flooded the first floor. i haven't seen it yet, but it sounds something awful. apparently the water flooding through the ceiling was bad enough to cause one of the ceiling fans to drop down and crash...
add to that some bickering bs. lynn was a go-between as far as determining a list for thomas and irene's upcoming wedding. and she happened to ask jani whether or not it would be possible to get a babysitter for landen and landry for that night. i guess it kinda came out wrong or something, because this really upset jani (and later dean), who felt insulted that they were being asked to leave their kids at home... so much so, that they weren't intending on going to the wedding...
i spoke to lynn about this (i myself heard about it from dean, who brought it up as an aside, distressed, as he discussed the whole house thing). lynn is already under a great deal of stress at work, and she was very emotional about it... she eventually made her way over to jani's house this evening, and "clarified" things; afterwards, though, she vowed never to trust jani again. in a way, i can't blame her. lynn always has the best intentions, she is never sneaky or conniving; why would it be different when she was helping to create an invite list for her father's wedding? i don't understand why people "get insulted"; and even if they were, why didn't they just ask for the reasoning behind my wife's request instead of holding back a grudge?
in addition to this, i worry about my sister. i worry about how easy it is to just forget about her completely. but i can't trust her. the last time she actually made an effort to contact me, it was so that she could get my parents to lend her $50 for shampoo. shampoo!? i don't know if she is "in trouble" or not, but she's unable to be straight with me; she's been unable for quite some time now.
i'm very sad. i notice i have been neglecting a lot of aspects of my life. in terms of finances, we've been paying the bills: but i've had to hold back from paying the credit card, not to mention my back g.e. taxes... i have a secret ongoing frustration with lynn, who withholds her share of funds, so that every month, it is a scramble on my part to get enough money in to pay off our monthly essentials (mortgage, etc.). i kept promising that as soon as things settled down, i would collect enough to pay off everything, and i could relax again. but that never came. and with all this budget crisis bs, i'm afraid that the doe stipend i counted on to both reimburse me for the courses i've taken, and pay off my future courses- well, that could be gone soon.
i'm sad, down... i am unable to focus on the nitty-gritty details of my life. i neglect to keep up my schedule. patients, i fear, will lose patience. i appear to keep up, i am a very good special ed teacher, i do homework with the kids... but i'm not okay at heart, at root. i just drift through my days. i've been far too addicted to facebook, as though hearing other people "talk" to me will make it all better. but already, i sense i have offended people; they don't respond to me, or not in the same way... maybe, i think, it is time to back off from it; and also this blog, i think it's time to turn it off for a while, make it into strictly a personal log...
i am tired. bleeding. i want to sleep forever... i'm happy about obama, but not so happy that it makes me forget all the serious bad that is in my family. i need to be strong, but there is so little that i can do. i mean, my brother has a serious problem, i've thought he did, for quite some time. he is in a stressful job; his family situation is stressful. i wish he could calm down enough to obtain some basic wisdom, but that's never going to happen. and as a result, he's going to keep firing managers, and his kids are just going to drive him up the walls... i don't know how to provide guidance to people. i'm more of a step in and take care of it kind of guy myself... i would like to do that, but i'm not authorized, and right now, i just don't have the strength...
i want to help my parents so badly too, but am not in a position to do so...
god help me god help me...
god help my brother, god help my sister... keep my family safe, and while you're at it, give them some measure of peace. i realize that without them, i am nothing.
i am so tired. but give me the strength to help. i need to help. i need help.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
another psa from sharit
Hi,
We're trying to spread the word about Frances Nakachi's upcoming dance recital! Please forward to anyone you think might be interested! :)
WHAT: Udui Kahuu Dance, A Gift for Eternity
WHO: Tamagusuku Ryu Senjukai Frances Nakachi Ryubu Dojo
WHEN: Sunday, November 16th @ 2 pm
WHERE: Hawaii Theatre 1130 Bethel St.
COST: $30
HOW: Call 528-0506 for tix info OR purchase online at http://www.hawaiitheatre.com
WHAT AGAIN:
This concert of traditional, modern and newly choreographed Okinawan music and dance by Tamagusuku Ryu Senjukai Frances Nakachi Ryubu Dojo will take you on a mystical journey to the Ancient Kingdom and the era of royalty, sharing the heart and lifestyles of the Okinawan people through dance. Okinawa has a colorful and unique culture and philosophy of that "Life is a treasure" which encompass in their daily life. Through this harmonious spirit, its rhythmical and graceful dance movements convey their expressive life stories of sadness and happiness.
Special guest appearance by Grand Master instructors from Okinawa! Yoshiko Tanita Sensei & Mieko Kinjo Sensei.
This concert marks the 10th year anniversary. The celebratory performance is dedicated to embracing cultural diversity and harmony. By sharing our rich Okinawan arts with our community, we help to preserve the legacy of the past for future generations.
Ippei Nifei Deebiru!
st
--
Shari Y. Tamashiro
We're trying to spread the word about Frances Nakachi's upcoming dance recital! Please forward to anyone you think might be interested! :)
WHAT: Udui Kahuu Dance, A Gift for Eternity
WHO: Tamagusuku Ryu Senjukai Frances Nakachi Ryubu Dojo
WHEN: Sunday, November 16th @ 2 pm
WHERE: Hawaii Theatre 1130 Bethel St.
COST: $30
HOW: Call 528-0506 for tix info OR purchase online at http://www.hawaiitheatre.com
WHAT AGAIN:
This concert of traditional, modern and newly choreographed Okinawan music and dance by Tamagusuku Ryu Senjukai Frances Nakachi Ryubu Dojo will take you on a mystical journey to the Ancient Kingdom and the era of royalty, sharing the heart and lifestyles of the Okinawan people through dance. Okinawa has a colorful and unique culture and philosophy of that "Life is a treasure" which encompass in their daily life. Through this harmonious spirit, its rhythmical and graceful dance movements convey their expressive life stories of sadness and happiness.
Special guest appearance by Grand Master instructors from Okinawa! Yoshiko Tanita Sensei & Mieko Kinjo Sensei.
This concert marks the 10th year anniversary. The celebratory performance is dedicated to embracing cultural diversity and harmony. By sharing our rich Okinawan arts with our community, we help to preserve the legacy of the past for future generations.
Ippei Nifei Deebiru!
st
--
Shari Y. Tamashiro
can you believe it? bush's hail-mary...
in the waning days of his not-so-bright administration, president bush recently attempted to change (and make permanent) e.p.a. regulations concerning the burning of coal. previously, e.p.a. regulations set limits on the "tonnage" of sulphur dioxide that any given power plant could generate in a set amount of time, say, a year. according to bush's planned last minute changes, power plants would only have to keep below a certain RATE of sulphur dioxide production, irregardless of how much TOTAL sulphur dioxide they produced. to give an example: that's like saying it doesn't matter how much total gas you consume in your car, as long as you're driving below a 50 mph speed limit. power plants can now operate FULLTIME, without regard for total SO2 output, as long as they maintain their output below an hourly/monthly cap; ultimately, they are allowed (under this change) to produce OVER TWO TIMES THEIR CURRENT SO2 OUTPUT.
there's little doubt that this "hail mary pass" won't get enough support to pass.
so what is bush thinking? does he think this half-hearted effort will show obligatory "pay back" to all his big oil/coal supporters/cronies?
there's little doubt that this "hail mary pass" won't get enough support to pass.
so what is bush thinking? does he think this half-hearted effort will show obligatory "pay back" to all his big oil/coal supporters/cronies?
halloween 2008
me as tobi/madara uchiha, aiden as a dog, willow as a (certified organic) banana, and lynn as some afro-hippie.
Monday, November 3, 2008
turning google into an mp3 downloader
this is a trick that my friend phillip chin found. try it out!
Turning a Search Engine into an MP3 Downloader
http://www.haywirehacking.com/main/2008/10/11/hacking-google-turning-a-search-engine-into-an-mp3-downloade.html
Copy / Paste the code below into your Google search box:
-inurl:(htm|html|php) intitle:"index of" +"last modified" +"parent directory" +description +size +(wma|mp3)...
Turning a Search Engine into an MP3 Downloader
http://www.haywirehacking.com/main/2008/10/11/hacking-google-turning-a-search-engine-into-an-mp3-downloade.html
Copy / Paste the code below into your Google search box:
-inurl:(htm|html|php) intitle:"index of" +"last modified" +"parent directory" +description +size +(wma|mp3)...
Sunday, November 2, 2008
a new set of goals
okay, so here's my present set of goals, in no particular order:
1) set up a system of incentives for the kids. i will put up a list of goals for each of the kids (for example, willow needs to work on her writing [she has a habit of writing certain letters backwards] and aiden needs to work on basics like tying his shoes and holding his violin bow correctly [he's getting better!]). i will assign each goal a certain value, in an economy of stars. each reward is worth a certain number of stars. for example, what we did today, going to windward mall and playing a round at "glow putt" should be worth 15 stars or so...
2) develop a grammar "puzzle" or "train." i want to do this partially for myself, but more importantly for my sped kids. wouldn't it be interesting and fun to actually "construct" grammatically correct sentences by piecing together words? grammar has rules, and these rules can be visually and tactile-ly (?) reinforced by pieces that can only fit together in certain ways...
3) develop a routine to incorporate "curriculum based measurements" of reading into every reading session. i could tape record students as they read, noting which words they mispronounce. from this i could determine the WRC (or words read correctly per minute), a great general quick-and-dirty measure of both reading fluency AND reading comprehension. students could chart (publicly) their WRC scores. my goal (and theirs) would be to quickly improve their WRC.
also, i want to fine-tune students' vocabulary development. by noting which words particular students have a difficult time on, i can give individual students the appropriate words to focus on. this would, of course, be in addition to any word lists assigned for any given week...
there must be a cheap way for students to all have tape recorders. it would be invaluable to have students READ their readings out loud and record them onto tape recorders. this would give us hard-copy evidence of students' reading strengths and weaknesses...
4) i want to follow similar tacks with my acupuncture students. i want to make all aspects of the diagnostic process as accessible as possible, as clear as possible. i made a rough draft intake form solely based upon the pulse. i need to fine tune this.
i also want to create an intake procedure to determine structural imbalances. this would involve using some kind of pressure-sensitive carbon paper to record the imprint of patient footprints, to determine if they are high-arched or flat-footed, etc. it would also involve taking photographs of the patient in front, back and profile. ideally, these photographs would be over a grid, to better "visualize" the postural aberrations. if we can concretely "see" these things, then we are better able to specifically address patient needs.
5) i need to meditate more, develop my "internal observer." someday, i want to incorporate this into my daily regimen...
6) taiji goals remain largely unchanged. i have started incorporating push hands into my taiji classes. so far, it is fun. i don't know how far i will take these concepts with some of my classes, but for now, i'm "exploring."
7) i need to better study my herbs. AND create mnemonics for my students, so they won't have to wrestle with these issues as i periodically must.
8) i would like to learn go and chess.
9) i want to draw, and effectively use and "see" color in my drawings. someday, i would like to paint. i also want to incorporate art into digital media, maybe after purchasing a drawing pad. willow wants to do this sort of thing, i know. eventually, i want to also purchase animation software (i think i mentioned this earlier) so that willow (and yes, me) can explore making cartoons.
10) garage band rocks. i have dreams about doing a lot of radiohead songs, first of all. i can now do the basic piano for "how i made my millions" (like, duh, it's so-o-o easy), and will eventually transfer what i can do to garage band. i want to work on my singing voice (HAHAHAHA) and see if it is salvageable... while we're talking purely in the abstract, i would also like to play the guitar. and the drums. i mean, i can "enter" these instruments in the appropriate garage band registers, but nothing replaces the original instruments in all their wonderful cacophany.
again, the world is wonderful, if you keep discovering new ways to see it (and, perhaps, new ways to get yourself in trouble).
1) set up a system of incentives for the kids. i will put up a list of goals for each of the kids (for example, willow needs to work on her writing [she has a habit of writing certain letters backwards] and aiden needs to work on basics like tying his shoes and holding his violin bow correctly [he's getting better!]). i will assign each goal a certain value, in an economy of stars. each reward is worth a certain number of stars. for example, what we did today, going to windward mall and playing a round at "glow putt" should be worth 15 stars or so...
2) develop a grammar "puzzle" or "train." i want to do this partially for myself, but more importantly for my sped kids. wouldn't it be interesting and fun to actually "construct" grammatically correct sentences by piecing together words? grammar has rules, and these rules can be visually and tactile-ly (?) reinforced by pieces that can only fit together in certain ways...
3) develop a routine to incorporate "curriculum based measurements" of reading into every reading session. i could tape record students as they read, noting which words they mispronounce. from this i could determine the WRC (or words read correctly per minute), a great general quick-and-dirty measure of both reading fluency AND reading comprehension. students could chart (publicly) their WRC scores. my goal (and theirs) would be to quickly improve their WRC.
also, i want to fine-tune students' vocabulary development. by noting which words particular students have a difficult time on, i can give individual students the appropriate words to focus on. this would, of course, be in addition to any word lists assigned for any given week...
there must be a cheap way for students to all have tape recorders. it would be invaluable to have students READ their readings out loud and record them onto tape recorders. this would give us hard-copy evidence of students' reading strengths and weaknesses...
4) i want to follow similar tacks with my acupuncture students. i want to make all aspects of the diagnostic process as accessible as possible, as clear as possible. i made a rough draft intake form solely based upon the pulse. i need to fine tune this.
i also want to create an intake procedure to determine structural imbalances. this would involve using some kind of pressure-sensitive carbon paper to record the imprint of patient footprints, to determine if they are high-arched or flat-footed, etc. it would also involve taking photographs of the patient in front, back and profile. ideally, these photographs would be over a grid, to better "visualize" the postural aberrations. if we can concretely "see" these things, then we are better able to specifically address patient needs.
5) i need to meditate more, develop my "internal observer." someday, i want to incorporate this into my daily regimen...
6) taiji goals remain largely unchanged. i have started incorporating push hands into my taiji classes. so far, it is fun. i don't know how far i will take these concepts with some of my classes, but for now, i'm "exploring."
7) i need to better study my herbs. AND create mnemonics for my students, so they won't have to wrestle with these issues as i periodically must.
8) i would like to learn go and chess.
9) i want to draw, and effectively use and "see" color in my drawings. someday, i would like to paint. i also want to incorporate art into digital media, maybe after purchasing a drawing pad. willow wants to do this sort of thing, i know. eventually, i want to also purchase animation software (i think i mentioned this earlier) so that willow (and yes, me) can explore making cartoons.
10) garage band rocks. i have dreams about doing a lot of radiohead songs, first of all. i can now do the basic piano for "how i made my millions" (like, duh, it's so-o-o easy), and will eventually transfer what i can do to garage band. i want to work on my singing voice (HAHAHAHA) and see if it is salvageable... while we're talking purely in the abstract, i would also like to play the guitar. and the drums. i mean, i can "enter" these instruments in the appropriate garage band registers, but nothing replaces the original instruments in all their wonderful cacophany.
again, the world is wonderful, if you keep discovering new ways to see it (and, perhaps, new ways to get yourself in trouble).
how to lose all your friends in ten easy steps!!!
1. declare your political affiliations, and mention how "you don't understand how anyone can be" of the opposite persuasion.
2. bitch and moan about how terrible married life is, and how single people have it so easy (to single people)
3. or, talk about how sorry you are that so and so is single, and offer some "matronly" advice
4. hook up your single friends and watch the sparks fly! (usually, not the romantic variety)
5. say that your favorite karaoke song is: "we hate it when our friends become successful."
6. talk stink about people behind their backs
7. don't talk stink about people behind their backs
8. express your opinions, thinking people will appreciate you in all your glory.
9. don't express yourself, thinking people like you better as the reserved fellow standing on the wall.
10. write a blog entry about "how to lose all your friends in ten easy steps!!!"
guaranteed, or your money back!
2. bitch and moan about how terrible married life is, and how single people have it so easy (to single people)
3. or, talk about how sorry you are that so and so is single, and offer some "matronly" advice
4. hook up your single friends and watch the sparks fly! (usually, not the romantic variety)
5. say that your favorite karaoke song is: "we hate it when our friends become successful."
6. talk stink about people behind their backs
7. don't talk stink about people behind their backs
8. express your opinions, thinking people will appreciate you in all your glory.
9. don't express yourself, thinking people like you better as the reserved fellow standing on the wall.
10. write a blog entry about "how to lose all your friends in ten easy steps!!!"
guaranteed, or your money back!
have you ever seen exorcist 2? it's actually a fascinating movie, even if you're not particularly into horror, or demonology. it almost has a redemptive quality about it, not unlike the ending of omen 3, when damien thorne dies and the second coming happens...
in the exorcist 2, there is talk about a demon called pazuzu (or something), symbolized by locusts. yet there is something special about this demon. she (?) is immune to the madness of the swarm mentality... in a plague of locusts, it is this "madness" that causes locusts to wantonly cause uncontrolled and uncontrollable destruction. but supposedly, pazuzu (who possesses?) the girl from the first exorcist is actually what i term a pharmakon, someone who has taken the poison of the community in order to save it. while the world falls into madness, she alone is immune, and thus she alone has the power to calm the madness and save the world...
i think about this of late. there is, or has been, a sense of madness in my local environment... people on fire. i think about the fear and the panic of the stock market, and its power to topple down our house-of-cards reality... it's all psychological, or so they say... and so, perhaps all it takes is someone to be a pazuzu, a person immune to the madness. someone who can hear the silence amidst this cacophany. someone who can remain calm even as tomorrow slips underwater.
i don't pretend to be calm. in fact, more often than not, i feel myself losing fragments of control. i just don't show, or am not in positions where it can necessarily show... but i imagine heroes, or perhaps they are fools, who calmly concentrate on each successive task, each little thing, each request of a child, as though it held all the importance in the world... and maybe, nowadays, it does.
in the exorcist 2, there is talk about a demon called pazuzu (or something), symbolized by locusts. yet there is something special about this demon. she (?) is immune to the madness of the swarm mentality... in a plague of locusts, it is this "madness" that causes locusts to wantonly cause uncontrolled and uncontrollable destruction. but supposedly, pazuzu (who possesses?) the girl from the first exorcist is actually what i term a pharmakon, someone who has taken the poison of the community in order to save it. while the world falls into madness, she alone is immune, and thus she alone has the power to calm the madness and save the world...
i think about this of late. there is, or has been, a sense of madness in my local environment... people on fire. i think about the fear and the panic of the stock market, and its power to topple down our house-of-cards reality... it's all psychological, or so they say... and so, perhaps all it takes is someone to be a pazuzu, a person immune to the madness. someone who can hear the silence amidst this cacophany. someone who can remain calm even as tomorrow slips underwater.
i don't pretend to be calm. in fact, more often than not, i feel myself losing fragments of control. i just don't show, or am not in positions where it can necessarily show... but i imagine heroes, or perhaps they are fools, who calmly concentrate on each successive task, each little thing, each request of a child, as though it held all the importance in the world... and maybe, nowadays, it does.
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