down

i suppose i've been feeling down a lot since i found out about my sister. don't know how my parents can handle it. i suppose that they are much better at either hiding things, or at sublimating what they feel (or the greater brunt of it at least) into useful action. myself, most of the time, i think i can appear okay, but i notice i'm a lot "tireder" than i should be, and, well, much less responsible. not that i don't take care of things, but that i simply don't have the will to do them. no enthusiasm. i am, as they say, "going through the motions."

i wonder what life must be like for her. at night, when i have restless "nightmares" (not anything concrete, more like this dark reflection of life, this sinking feeling of despair), i imagine that a piece of what she dreams/lives passes into me... and i can't answer the feeling in the dream, or the feeling that resides within me afterwards, with all of my comfortable platitudes.

what is hope, anyway? what is despair?

when i was little, i always used to wonder about this. of course, i always liked superheroes, because somehow they carried hope within them: hope that situations of fear and despair could be turned around, hope that not everything was lost. i would try to imagine what a superhero would do in situations of utter despair... there were many scenarios in which the superhero COULDN'T do a thing; but i still retained a "hope" that the superhero would remain unmoved, "refractory" (to use that word in a more proper context). at the very least, i believed that a hero would not be "transformed" by his scenario; he would, even by his resistance, maybe even transform his situation, even slightly...

within myself, i have this image of a hero, and aside from that, i believe in certain vague things, like god and love... but i wonder about many people, about their lack of hope. i wonder about how to communicate hope. not in some proselytizing fashion, because no matter what people may say, hope is not something that can be instantly imbibed like pennicilin. i wonder how to communicate hope in a real way, to give people inspiration IN THEMSELVES and in, if not their ability to deal with their circumstances, then at least in the security of their perspective, that somehow something of themselves mattered... and yes, that they were loved by someone.

i met with my sister privately on many occasions. i thought that i could be her big brother, and that she would, if nothing else, take comfort in the fact that i would always be that for her, someone who couldn't help but believe in her... yet, nothing ever changed from our sessions together. sometimes, in fact, things got worse. i often wonder about my influence upon her; i often think of how responsible i may have been for her...

how, again, can a person communicate hope?

there is a point at which people just let well enough alone. and maybe i should abide by that. but there is also something in me which resents that sort of attitude. there are many who feel so comfortable in the "clarity" of their lives, in the way they can "write off" others with a flourish of the wrist... and as one who dwelled in obscurity and ambiguity for portions of my life (or at least a very small, pale measure of these things), i- a piece of me- rebels against that kind of "simplicity." life is messed up, but you don't make anything better by pretending it's otherwise. you have to find a way to own it, to thoroughly own it, before anything has any "hope" of getting better...

i don't know.

sometime today, i will have to write my sister a letter.

and i will have to make greater efforts to be a good uncle to my nephew and two nieces. and a better son to my tired parents.