i wake up early every morning, about 2-4 am, with this feeling of anxiety. i have probably been doing this every day for years now. it makes me feel- ugly. disposessed. as though there is no continuity of hope in my life. it is as though i had been working so hard on something the previous day, and then someone came in while i was sleeping, and destroyed it, and all memory and motivation about it as well. and the feeling- that i have been, that i am, just wasting time.

i have been longing for a dream that would be happy, and just connect me from one day to the next, so that i can believe in something that i do longer than a single day. so that i can, by extension, believe in myself. i oscillate between despair and hope, when i hope there is a haunting sense that i'm being duped, when i despair, there is a haunting sense that i've given up too soon. it is square one.

have you ever felt this way, trapped, as you watch the lives of others who pass you by? and then, to feel this bitterness. and then, to regret feeling the bitterness. and to go on and on this way. others seem to look at you and say, "it's so easy." and, like a parent of some autistic child, you look at the others and repeat, "yes, it's so easy," and you look at your child, and start to shout, "it's so easy, do it," but nothing happens. people laughing. god laughing. it's so easy. bitterness. no-bitterness. repeat. repeat. repeat.

hope. despair. hope. despair. give up. don't give up...

perhaps the only reason i don't give up is that time keeps passing, and i can't. not with my kids, not with my wife. i can't.