i guess i really don't care about most things in this world in their particularity, and so, those things don't care very much about me. they don't speak to me, when i try to summon them and remember details about them. they are barely distinguishable from the sea of everything else, and are always slipping away into anonymity and oblivion. that's why i can't tell a story. i can barely remember anything. i can barely feel anything. and because there is no independent existence, my failure to remember details about the world results in a failure to reconstruct my own identity.

i live in a shadow of dishonor. that's what i call it. it is a place where despised things curl up and mutate, but never die. it is a place of the hated, disgusting things, the things people turn away from reflexively. today, i reflected on why i live here. it is because i have always felt unworthy/worthless in the eyes of the world. ironically, when you carry that feeling within you, you not only ARE that to everyone else, but you are that because you spread that feeling of unworthiness/worthlessness to everyone else. i realize that i do that to people, because, in considering myself beneath contempt, i simultaneously (though unintentionally) make others feel beneath contempt. perhaps they are looking for me to redeem them somehow, to care about them; but because i feel that i am the hated one, and do not look up at them, they feel despised/hated/whatever.

the funny thing is, i find that i really DO NOT care about most people, nor about much of the world. i don't find much of interest in them, and usually when i DO find something interesting, it is so far removed from myself that it might as well exist in another universe or something. there is no communicating between the worthlessness that i am, and anything of real worth in this universe.

i have found a lot of ugliness in the world. i have felt a lot of resentment towards people, and towards "god." and yet, most of that ugliness is a result of me, and my inherent worthlessness, which i cannot blame upon anyone else, and yet, which i cannot seem to change of my own volition. there is goodness in this world, rare though it may be, but it exists in another dimension from me.

in buddhism, in the heart sutra, it is said, "there is no suffering, and there is no escape from suffering." i look at the latter part of that statement, and find, if not hope, then a grim reminder of my path. i hate myself, and i hate my perspective of the world, and i suppose i must say that i hate my world. but i can't escape from who i am. i can't change. i'm sad at that, that i must always be despised by the world, no matter how much i try to be a good person... but no matter what i do, it will never change, the fact of me being in the shadow of dishonor will never change. god and the ancestors and everyone in the world will always consider me a piece of shit, and spit upon my prayers... but that is my lot.

when it was my birthday, i wished my family would come together. since then, my brother has drifted off, his hatred of the family rekindled and renewed. it seems he only tried to reunite (or pretended to) in order to insure that his voice in my parents' will would remain (because i'm sure that's what his wife really wants- the inheritance). as far as my sister, for a time, there was hope that she would be released into supervised custody under my parents; but since then, her sentence seems to have become a minimum of 2-3 years in jail. maybe she won't last that long there. i don't know. and, following my realization of myself, maybe i truly don't care.

my view of the world is fading. i can't hold onto anything. i care about things in simple ways, in ways which appear to me, but the majority of the world, and perhaps vision/truth is a democracy, thinks i am nothing. i bear that burden for the moment, but it etches away at me daily, every moment. in another world, the real people live, and they understand truth, and they build monuments out of their lives to it. i am still always at square one, and always will be here. forget about me please. i have already forgotten about you.