i have been reading joseph conrad. i read a long introduction about him and his work, and i came to the conclusion that he was just like me (or i was just like him)... in the sense that he saw the irredeemable and fundamentally chaotic nature of the human soul (and, by extension, the universe, via the second law of thermodynamics), a vision which seriously called into question any and every endeavor towards truth, beauty, morality, etc., and especially those efforts which we deem either salvific or civilizing... and yet, he also believed strongly in a fundamental duty to maintain our human obligations towards each other.

along this vein, amongst the radio shows i have listened to over the past couple of days was one which i heard, an interview of an author/mother about her recent inaugural work about her experiences as the single parent of a child with tay-sachs disease, a rapidly degenerative, and inevitably fatal congenital disorder which afflicts children primarily of a specific jewish subset. i heard about how she turned to the writings of simone weil and zen buddhism and psychoanalysis in order to deal with the catastrophic feelings associated with this experience. but i also learned of her path to liberation of sorts, which involved a minute, day-to-day, moment-by-moment connection to the experiences of her son, comforting him, loving him, learning of the miracle of him. she realized, upon his death, there was no moment of transcendence, no comforting belief that her son had "gone to a better place", along with all the other tay-sachs children perhaps. he was gone, and there was no one and nothing that could console her of her tragic loss. but in the time that he was in this world, he was loved.

i was moved by this interview, as i felt resonance with conrad, because both articulate an understanding of the world that is fundamentally, and of necessity, anti-totalizing, anti-salvific; but far from being the font of some anarchic, do-as-you-please mentality, it calls us to the simple tasks of human love and obligations to each other. i emphasize simple, because we do not do these things for any higher cause, or for any effort to realize some higher purpose... we do these things simply because they are the natural and necessary and obvious and good things to do. compassion, simply because we know suffering when we see it, and we wish the best for those in need, as we feel it... not the concept of compassion, but its direct expression.

***

i have lamented in recent postings (felt sorry for myself) due to several observations of life. i basically had not "gotten my way," and at the same time, i had seen and am seeing those who either have no true moral fiber in them, or, worse, those who THINK they are in the right, the blessed civilizing force of the congo (ala "heart of darkness"), living their blessed lives, as they spit upon others, as they celebrate their apparent pinnacle of success, at their divine right to it in the horizonless future... and i had lamented at this, at me, and those like me, who feel like nothing, who feel as though they had nothing to show for themselves, and for their suffering, nothing that computed in their calculations of success... whose lives, AT BEST, those blessed others would look at, and "console" by saying, "if i were you, i'd probably die."

no.

i think that my life is NOT going anywhere specific. it often feels like the piscean symbol, two fishes spinning in a spiral fast, seeking an opposite, and an end to things, but only perpetrating the conservative force of the universe in the process... no progress. but that does not mean that i am something to be looked down upon. i often think that i care for the world, but not in a way that is "better" than in any way. but it is an honest caring. it is a caring that i feel, when i feel anything, and it is truer than any truism that those blessed others lash out against the world. i don't do what i do for anyone or anything else, for any other purpose. and in this sense, i like to think, i am more "civilized" than the highest of their high-brow supercilious (super silly ass) gazes...

me, and those countless others like me.