can't sleep.

there was a surreal moment, i'm not certain what time it was, but it was dead of the night late, when i definitely heard a whole household break out in laughter somewhere in the neighborhood. i just thought it so odd that a bunch of people would break out in one loud and abrupt peal of laughter so late in the night. i was almost tempted to go and see if it was a real household holding a late party or something...

had strange dreams, and the sensation of things shifting. we have a lot of our windows open, so it is not unusual to feel light winds or temperature drops, but there are times when it seems as though there isn't a legitimate wind per se, and it just gets a bit cool anyway. also, sometimes the clicks that occur in the house when, i suppose, the wood just expands or contracts, sometimes they occur in greater frequency, or even in patterns. at one point, i was drifting in light sleep, and i heard three distinct clicks (almost like someone knocking). when i stirred myself awake, i could hear birds murmuring in sleep nearby (there is always a particular bird stirring in our bottle-brush tree). as i tried to fall back asleep, i heard some bag shift, again with three distinct sounds.

in the yard, or out in back, on occasion, i hear a crisp stirring in the grass. i strain my ears to hear more sounds. there is an odd "clip-clopping" and an "eating" sound that accompanies pigs. cats are, generally, a bit stealthier and silent. i rise to the window to search out shapes in the darkness. tonight, i haven't been successful in seeing anything.

i went to my son's room to meditate. i often wander into his room when i am restless. a lot of the time, i find him tossing and turning in his sleep. i wish i could enter his dreams and help him with whatever problems he might be having there. i wish i could make his dreams peaceful and happy...

***

my own dreams, now fading... something about a tenrikyo party. oh, and yes. something about how i had to go home alone in my car from a party held somewhere in the countryside, but also at a house near renton road (in dream geography, a place can actually be a composite of several "real places," occupying two regions at once). i was driving on a road through sugar cane (which no longer exists out in the ewa side), and started to come upon little statues of odd little men. i realized that these were "kagutaba" (after a disturbing japanese film, "noroi," that i happened to come across in youtube). when i came upon the turn to the next town, i saw a huge kagutaba statue. i thought it strange how something so horrible was being used as a tourist marker.

i recall having a thought about out of the way towns, near the sunset. wondering how they could appear so forlorn, and yet how each place was also, to those who lived there, a warm and welcoming home. i thought about how the places that seemed so dead and forgotten could also come alive and be filled with residents rejoicing and "hanging out," how a nothing place could turn into something close to heavenly.

but then i thought about how nobody celebrates in the dead of night. other things wander the earth when most eyes are closed in sleep and dreams...

for some reason, as i mentioned, there was this tenrikyo party. it was held at a mansion. the only thing i recall about the layout of the mansion was that we were either in the basement or the first floor, a very spacious deal, done up in a very homey style. to me, it resembled a vast dorm common room, where people (i pictured college age, all reproductively viable and active) would come down from studying to just hang out. anyway, there were supposed to be stairs leading up to the ground floor/second floor. there were stairs, but for some reason, i couldn't find the appropriate stairs. some were tiny spiral staircases, so narrow that one had to practically contort one's body to enter a tiny manhole into the room above. it seemed as though these were like "crow's nest" rooms, designed for one person (i recall having an aside thought about how such rooms were probably fire code violations). another staircase turned at such strange angles that, again, one would have to violently contort in order to fit through the passage...

(i'm thinking these staircases could have been an artifact from watching that disturbing "noroi" video: one individual in that film died when he stuffed himself and got stuck in a ventilation shaft).

i recall seeing this guy koji whom i knew briefly when i was in japan, and in los angeles. apparently, in my dream, he was head of the young men's association (or whatever), and they were going to start their meeting. even though i had known him in the past, he didn't really acknowledge my presence. not a big deal, really, as i am not/was not really a figure of note...

and that's that, i suppose. a convoluted tangle of a dream, signifying nothing in particular, and leaving me with a vague feeling of dissatisfaction and overall dread.

***

it is raining quite heavily now. in some ways, i love the rain because it is very egalitarian. it falls down on everything equally, like a curtain. in this, it probably unites the world, and gives peace to it. at least, that's my aesthetic impression of the rain, sitting here in this pitch black room in doors...

it beats the silence, anyway.

***

it's a difficult transitional time for me, i suppose. i graduated from uh, but my job prospects seem very uncertain. i have interviewed at five schools so far. i was offered a job at one, but turned it down (perhaps foolishly), because it appeared to be a bit out of my league, and i was counting on the other four (which were more my field). got turned down by another. there are three prospects left. my mother pointed out that, in an article in the newspaper, due to budget concerns, several positions are to be cut, many of them in sped. i wonder if the positions i interviewed for still exist...

well, that just means that i have to continue to work hard on my patient load. possible, doable. i've actually been thinking more about adjuncts, like craniosacral therapy (partially in relation to, ironically, learning disabilities, notably the tie between sphenobasilar joint dysfunctions and certain forms of dyslexia). not that i'm sure it works, or anything, but it is very noninvasive, and at the least, it is a calming method that can accompany a lot of acupuncture treatments. i've also been practicing more body-reading, to better address some of the global aspects and problems of posture... all of this in my own pedantic way.

this afternoon, i worked pretty hard on the "planter box" on the left side of our house. i have been wanting to plant something there, if only to keep the weeds from setting in. i worked hard to clear a section of weeds, broke the hard soil, mixed in some compost. i drew a sketchy plan using different varieties of portulaca and two types of alyssum, and planted two of the portulaca that i bought this morning. i hope that the plants will start to take, and grow well in their new home...

a brief reflection occured to me as i worked the planter box. it is not enough to remove weeds and clear ground. if you want to claim ground, you must plant something new in its place. if you don't, weeds will set in immediately after. what was that saying? from where? "nature abhors a vacuum." it is true. i was thinking of this with regards to working with children in education. it is not enough to "remove weeds" via corrective statements, etc. you also have to fill them up with something good, i.e. things to support their self-esteem. if you don't "follow through" on this next step, then the weeds will only set in once again...

***

well, i'm going to reattempt sleep. hopefully, i'll have no more disturbing dreams (and neither will my son).

tomorrow is another day.