at the moment, it is 3 am and raining quite steadily. i've awoken, carrying remnants of a dream of an aquarium of monstrosities, impossible sea creatures, in my head, and the song "speed of sound" (coldplay) playing in a nauseatingly stuck soundtrack.

there is a feeling of sadness and frustration hanging within me.

freud once said that there are only two things that can cure a patient: love and work. i think this is true. love is a source and an end; it is the yin aspect of everything that i do, the "cellular bath" that nourishes and sustains me. work is the alignment with the principles of efficacy and worth; it is the yang aspect, and the ability to stand upright and (literally) "make a difference."

***

there are many symptoms, shifting and disguising themselves repeatedly, but there is a commonality to them, recognizable only over time. for myself, there has always been the positing of a hidden figure sabotaging the clear way before me, a "secret and self-directed hatred" that has continually baffled and confounded me. to know that it originates from within me is little consolation or cure, just as knowing that lupus is an autoimmune condition does not help patients live with the pain of their disease. i have fought this shadow in a myriad of ways, but usually through my innate skills at sleight of hand, concealment and distraction. if i am a blocked river, i have always found other ways to flow.

but it is only a matter of time before those waters turn dark and muddy, heavy with the accretions of their frustrated passage. it is always only a matter of time before the shadow returns...

***

the one redeeming factor of possessing an irrational and relentless disease is that it gives a person extra pause before judging others. no, the world is not always the logical place it pretends to be, and quite often, there are eddies and currents that blur circumstances and make everything "not make sense." i know this to be true.

sometimes, it is not our place to judge or solve the world. sometimes the best thing we can do is to meet people where they are, and simply abide with them.

sometimes the best thing, the only thing, we can do is find the point of resistance and stay there.

and wait.

***

i encountered these words of advice somewhere: "try your best, and when you don't know what to do, ask god and the spirits for help. when you still don't know what to do, have a cup of tea."

alternatively: "we do our best work. then we sit back and wait."