the mad rush of christmas is winding down... yesterday, lynn and i sat down to compile our christmas card/christmas letter/present lists, and planned everything out. we were actually further ahead of the game than i thought, thanks to lynn's foresight and preparation. she had shopped for kids' clothing months in advance. i was actually worried that i would have to shop for game/toy ideas to match up each individual kid on our list... while i'm sure the kids won't be as happy to receive clothes (i recall, as a kid, how i'd have to feign JOY at receiving some new stuffy set of clothes that i'd have to immediately try on... gee, THANKS... :P), at least it is something substantial to appease the obligatory gift-giving. (<-- geez, do i sound like an ebenezer or what).

i sent out a big pile of christmas letter/cards out, dragged the kids along to delivery errands and a treatment and my taiji class... and then scrambled over to a family dinner over at the hawaii prince hotel... (aiden and lynn couldn't come because aiden developed a sudden fever...)

***

during taiji class, one of the students came up with an interesting observation. we had practiced the first form (which actually is the standardized 24-form, not particular to any one style). we did it twice, first at a very slow pace, and the second time slightly faster. one student noted that the first one felt "concentrated," but during the second, her mind really wandered and lost focus.

i likened taiji practice to carrying a large bowl filled nearly to the brim with water. if you practice slowly, with awareness, then none of the water spills, and there is a clarity to the water because of the relative absence of ripples. if, however, you practice swiftly, then there is a tendency to cause spillage and ripples in the mind. the mind truly reflects the body; the faster and more "automatic" (i.e. thoughtless and "stereotyped") the movements, the more the mind wanders off on tangents...

this is one reason for the slow practice of taijiquan. it is a practice that emphasizes the stillness and awareness of the mind. it requires a clarity of all levels of being, participating in one action. most other hurried motion implies a division of the self into fragments, into the "automatic" or unconscious mind that accomplishes the task, and the "floating" thinking mind that is liberated from the actual labor, and can actually dissociate itself from present circumstances...

i realize that i need to return to the stillness practices, to zazen meditation, to zhan zhuang. i think i'm losing my temper, my patience, my focus, my self...

the strength of someone who meditates and is at one with all levels of himself is like the power/energy of a wave formed in the deep sea, with an amplitude (oftentimes hidden) as high as a mountain... compare this to someone who is restless, and thus accomplishes only what bare ripples do...

***

i keep thinking about population issues. we are losing resources fast, we are destroying the environment irreversibly. the world was not meant to support so many hungry and polluting humans... something has got to give. human beings must learn to put limits on their proliferation, on their behavior... and yet, when i look at copenhagen, or even within our own divided nation, i think, sadly, that even when the truth of issues stares us in the face, we as a species cannot unite to do what needs to be done... people always only think of their own personal interests... no one sees, or acts on, the big picture.

(and why should they?)

in apocalyptic movies, like "war of the worlds" (the more recent version, directed by steven spielberg), the survivors definitely act only on self-interest. of course! self-interest, which compromises all morality. perhaps morality is contextual and nothing more than a social agreement anyway... perhaps there are situations where we learn what illusions "society" imposes upon us. i think, i fear, that we are headed for such apocalyptic circumstances in coming decades... when we realize what a fiction our civilization is, how it fails to take into account the consequences of our way of life... i fear we will witness such a situation, a situation where the "moral majority" suddenly murders or pillages, convictions abandoned in the face of extinction and hunger...

honestly, faced with the death of you and yours, what would you do?

grim thoughts, truly, but they preoccupy me, and (i suspect) people are thinking about such things more and more, deep in the repressed parts of their minds... we are approaching capacity, we are near the ceiling... and we don't know what's going to happen next...

i fear for my children. i will teach them how to be good. how to be ethical. and i will hope that, when they are faced with the difficult choices of the future, they will find a way to survive, but more importantly, they will find a way to do so while retaining their humanity...

***

but then, all of these concerns are but ripples. i must be still, even if the world ends, i must be still, and learn to see the death of all things (including me and my own) with acceptance, with peace. the living react to death, to fear, and divide themselves into hopes and fears. if i look upon everything with equanimity, and without turning away, then perhaps i can become one with the end of the world...