this afternoon, i returned the pictures i had used for my grandma's slideshow to my aunty kiyomi. while i was there, i had a long talk with my aunty (whom i hardly ever talk to) about a lot of things: special ed (she's actually a district resource teacher in special ed, and popped up at the school i was student-teaching at every now and again), and also how things have been since my grandma has died.
i suppose i have been keeping my feelings at bay, thinking about stuff. nevertheless, i have been feeling generally morose and depressed, and have consistently been waking up at 2 or 3 am, to the sound of the wind-up bird. i feel guilty a lot. i haven't gone to my ewa beach grandma's house, even though i know that there's a lot of clean-up work that has to be done there: the messy work of going through memorabilia and deciding what gets kept and what gets thrown away... also, apparently, my grandma's house, which was a fukyosho (mission station) had to have the sacred thingie (i'm sorry, the correct japanese term escapes me at the moment) removed and sent back to japan. very sad. i think my grandma had some faint hopes that i would take over her fukyosho... but i have been such a bad tenrikyo follower...
my uncle masao has taken the brunt of the responsibility. before she died, my uncle went over to my grandma's house about 2 or 3 times a week to care for the house, and to address any of my grandma's needs. now that she's gone, he still continues to go there, watering the plants, and, now, sorting through everything. he decided to get the house fumigated for termites, which have been an ongoing problem with the house...
funny. it's the perfect house for my grandma and grandpa, and i personally wouldn't change a thing about it. but by objective standards, it's not a great place to live in, and is unsuitable to rent...
my aunt mentioned that she's always worried about my uncle. of all the people, despite his brusque and sardonic nature, it was probably he who took the loss of my grandma the hardest... he even said, when my grandma died, that his purpose for living was gone.
i've been busy, yes, but i have to take care of my family. i have to make the trek out to ewa beach, and confront the loss as directly as possible. and i have to help my uncle and aunt. maybe this can be an opportunity for me to get closer to these members of my family, whom i have always respected, but know very little about...
my uncle, by the way, was a source of culture for me. when i was very young, he gave me a whole set of gahan wilson books, including "nuts", and a heavy metal book (pretty pornographic) on the myth of ulysses. i recall the sex scene between odysseus/ulysses and circe being particularly risque... and athena had this metal "bra" in reverse (the top "covered" and the bottom exposed)... jeez. memories. my uncle also gave me a bunch of ghost story records and tapes... some, i've actually found the audio files for, and posted... he also painted (calligraphy) a little zen piece: "mu o toose!" i think he was kinda making fun of me when i went to japan to pretend to be a monk. then again, i'm not sure... he once mentioned that he found enlightenment one hot sweaty afternoon... i was never sure if he was being facetious, or if he meant it. in any case, he's a man of great depths.
yes. i need to get my life in gear, and take care of the still-hurt people around me. as my grandma always quoted (from tenrikyo scripture): save others to save yourself.
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