there seems little to say nowadays. time drifts by, there is a sleepiness and apathy, coupled with an impatience and frustration for something unknown and unidentifiable. we are, i am, floating in a surge, bare feet above the sharp and shifting surface of coral, white and polished and unthinking teeth. no footing is possible, there is no steadiness as the sea breathes...

i think about some of the old zen masters, living in abject poverty, during periods of unceasing warfare. how did they do it? i think about the bodhisattva vow. it always struck me as paradoxical. "there are innumerable beings in the universe. i vow to save them all." impossible, and yet a vow is not made lightly. what does it mean to swallow an impossibility? (a quote from some poet: "we are realists, we dream the impossible.") it means that, knowing there is no way to find completion, satisfaction, we work anyway, we live anyway...

there is something about completion that is so "ego" gratifying. it is an "i've got that under my belt" sort of feeling. when we try at tasks that are inherently fruitless/hopeless (which, ultimately, realistically, is everything that we do in this world), then there is no "end gain" for the ego, and it quickly "gives up." it is precisely at this moment that the bodhisattva vow seeks to hold us: even knowing you will never succeed, would you still? would you still devote everything you have, everything you are?

interestingly enough, it is not to be a "passionate" vow, one with dispersive acts, like the last hundred or so meters of a marathon, when you can "see the ending," and there is a sudden last burst of speed. again, there is no "completion," so there is no satisfaction ("rest on your laurels") for the ego; thus, nothing is to be gained from "pushing forth impatiently." everything must be measured against the sheer wall of impossibility. which means, ultimately, that everything must be ledgered into the "balance sheet" of this present moment...

there is so much talk about the present moment. when i allow myself, i realize that nothing exists outside of it. and yet, it is ungraspable, it has no edges to contain me... it is precisely the undescribable this which is always "present" and yet always slipping away... it is the one true comfort i have. no matter what impossibilities i may face, the foundation for all possibilities is that this moment is. i take comfort in the skin and the blindness of this moment (both skin and blindness are my fictionalized compartmentalized interaction with the moment: only the ego lays claim to omniscience and no boundaries, after all... hegelian totalitizing ego bs... [also republican-esque, btw whoops])

right now, there could be a series of crises... what to do, what to do? i am, like any stupid hawaiian, riding the tides. i sit and watch and wait, for that moment when i will be ready (for what!?), wait for the other shoe to fall...

... love those around you. love them well. love changes things, although it can only change things if it is given without expectation of change. funny, isn't it? it again hearkens back to the whole ego thing. if you swallow love as an impossibility, as something you can't "get a handle on," then it, like all things "impossible" (including death, absence, the "true things"), divides you into eternity... love is not a momentary thing, but it is something which you must sip at slowly every day, every moment, for as long as you live. love is so-o-o sweet, too sweet to appreciate in a flash and a gulp, it will only coat your tongue and leave you unable to truly "taste" it; take it in only a moment at a time, and you will know it... i believe in love...

... there is also a way. there is always a way. but it is never the way that we are taught/conditioned to expect (particularly in moments of crisis). there is an artful way that doesn't "know" where it is going, but negotiates abysses nevertheless. trust in that, trust in yourself... don't be so quick to "edit out" the messiness of who you are, and what your world is... "cleanliness is next to godliness," yes, but it ISN'T god, because god is ALL... again, think about loving yourself, and again, you can't swallow yourself in an instant, but can only appreciate yourself "divided across an impossible eternity..."

... i think of these things, and write them down, only because i need to. i feel afloat over jagged teeth, at times, drowning, i feel a desperation and a surge to panic and "lose it," but by writing these things, i "see" my truths (whether they are legitimate or not) and i hold to them. all things pass. ha, another platitude... but something, some words, have the effect desired, quelling dreams and nightmares for just long enough to fall back asleep...