i'm STILL a pretty quiet and nonsocial person... i have no real "colleagues," either in acupuncture, or at school... it's funny. you think you outgrow your old patterns. and maybe you do, in a sense, like that old story about the nautilus... but you still retain the same shape, only in a bigger shell...
here's my "explanation" for why i don't believe in camaraderie (in most situations), and have a hard time being "intimate" with people. i grew up with the expectation that the only thing i could do was offend or embarrass if i revealed myself... i learned that to be taken seriously, you must "sink then float." i learned that self-effacement was the way to respect... and that "if you hate yourself enough, then not only will people not have to do it for you, they may even feel bad enough to feel sorry for you." i know, bad philosophy, but when i attempt to look at things objectively, i realize that that has been my modus operandi like forever...
i don't hate people at all. i like them, i like to give people what they want, what they need... but fundamentally, i guess i don't trust people, or at least don't trust the "bonds" they seem to build. familiarity is impossible to me... it is only earned after this sense of parallelness, like another has walked in solitude, like me... it is only in owning up to the solitude and solitariness of each individual death... or something buddhist like that.
...just excuses i suppose.
maybe people (I) never change. we just learn to grow comfortable in our skins. in our fates.
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