or gone...

all my friends, the place i call home
they are all either here
or gone.

this morning, my friend kendall, perhaps my oldest friend, whom i only recently got in touch with (via facebook) will be leaving hawaii (perhaps, and perhaps hopefully [for him] for good) to live in oregon (so sorry for the above pun).

i had dinner with kendall, his roommate josh, kendall's mother, and her husband last night. i met them at longhi's, then we went over to ryan's at ward. it was nice, it felt very comfortable... discussions on parenting, bodywork (both josh and ruth's husband are massage therapists)...

at one point, the question came up: why, after all these years, were we still friends? it was an interesting question, one which i have considered, not only with regards to kendall, but with all of my "friends." while it may not be universally true, i think that most of my friends have been somewhat outsiders. i dare say that none of them were in the "in crowd." (i may be wrong; apparently, a few friends have "friends" in the multiple hundreds) perhaps that in itself is a similarity that binds us. in chemistry, non-polar molecules may not exactly "want" to bind together, but they do when placed in polar solutions (like water). it's because they have more in common with each other than with the molecules in their environment...

at many times in my life (and occasionally even now), i felt resentment towards those who were "too comfortable" with fitting in, who had it so easy. of course, i realize now that it is never easy, and the hypocrisies and contradictions actually strike us all (although it may be hidden, unconscious). and, of course, i am a parent, and it is my natural desire to want my child to have it "comfortable" and "easy." no parent intentionally wants to raise a social misfit or outcast... but yes, i felt resentment (quiet, at times seething) towards the "in crowd." perhaps not as people, but because of their "Venn Diagram" strategies, the way they would draw clear lines around people, grouping them, singling them out, and (all sympathy or empathy ignored) insulting them. EVERYONE is a loser in some respect. but there are those who "externalize," and feel no contradiction in patiently pointing out the faults of those around them... hell, forget "faults," they just outright put people down...

being an outcast gives you the "privileged" position of understanding how hurtful and hypocritical such "strategies" are. on the plus side, being an outcast also somewhat frees you from the mass hypnosis of the general cultural milieu...

reminds me of a thought i had:

"the lesson of the game is not necessarily to teach you how to win; it is to teach you that it is a game. it is all just a game."

i suppose this thought summarizes some of my understanding of "society." it is, ultimately, just a game. that's not to say that it isn't "necessary." but taking it seriously (the way a lot of people are SO status conscious, etc.) is like watching a kid (i've seen adults do this too) smash and scatter a chess board because he is losing. "it's just a game."

zen parlance speaks of absolute understanding (the true nature of reality, which is emptiness), and the relative understanding (the conventions of the world). it is never that one supplants the other. this is especially so pedagogically; if a person is so-called "enlightened," then how is he going to communicate this understanding EXCEPT by accepting the relative conventions of those he attempts to reach? jesus used parables, in part because, well, how else was he going to reach the minds/hearts/souls of fallen mortal men? the truth is inexpressible. so we "write fictions" to point to it...

yeah, i'm rambling, drifting off on tangents... but to get back to kendall. and friends. i've had, i realize, so few friends in my life. i've never sought people out to be my friends. even at my most desperate, i usually just disintegrated in my own "aloneness" rather than search for people (a paradox, you've probably experienced this... when you are most desperate and alone, that is precisely when no one would want to be around you anyway... at least the majority of fair-weather friends suddenly don't even know you... so.). it was always a mystery how and why people would consider me a friend. but at my point in life, i'm realizing how important some of them were. i only touch a few lives... i must reach back to them, to understand myself, and perhaps, to help them understand themselves.

"are you my friend?"

...well, best wishes to kendall in oregon. i'm thankful i got the brief opportunity to speak to him in person before he disappeared into the distance once again.

friendship is either here
or gone...