i got a video from my friend kendall last week. this morning, before i took the kids to violin, i watched it. it's "cv" by peter gabriel, and it was a collection of 8 of his videos. it included "big time" and "sledgehammer," which i thought the kids would like. "shock the monkey" and "i don't remember" i was kinda concerned about, because the images could be a little "shocking"; nevertheless, the kids seemed to like it, and when we had to rush off to violin, they kinda complained, asking to see videos #7 and #8...
the songs which really stabbed me with nostalgia were the quieter ones, "don't give up" and "mercy street." i remember, on nights when i felt lost and alone at williams (which, in the beginning, were several and consecutive), i would listen to peter gabriel, and those two songs in particular, and feel a sense of comfort... tonight, "mercy street" in particular keeps playing in my head, and i almost feel this welling up sensation in my chest...
i took the kids over to the tenrikyo bazaar after violin practice... willow did fine, she's actually playing more notes now (d, e, f#, g). aiden, on the other hand, wasn't taking things seriously at all, and i had to "punish him" (no new toys, particularly lego, until he gets three good lessons from tada).
at the bazaar, things were really hot. it's always kinda surreal to go to the bazaar, see faces i half-recognize growing older, see the new crop of attractive young recruits to the faith... at times when i look at some of the younger kids, i think about that exciting transitional time, being a hip japanese american punk at the cusp of two cultures... but then i realize i kinda sorta lived through that, and no, it wasn't all that great. exciting, perhaps, but ultimately deflatable... no girlfriends to speak of during that phase, in any case... (then again, maybe this next generation is luckier in that regard.)
i sometimes regret not being a full-fledged tenrikyo person... there is a beauty, an irreplaceable beauty, in the sincerity and kindness of tenrikyo people... some might call it simple, but it is the same sort of simplicity that allows people to endure some pretty terrible stuff... never let it be said that the devoutly religious are not deep and vast people with souls unplumbable... as i said, i sometimes wish i were an indistinguishable member of that crowd... but as an arrogant and flakey individualist, i tend to shy from real and overt commitments to anything, particularly when claims to the soul are involved. i believe that miki nakayama, the foundress of tenrikyo, was a beautiful, self-sacrificing soul... and that most followers are as bright and clear as the summer sun in tenri city, blinding amidst that blue sky. but... too much clarity is not for me. i need to hide in my complexity...
we ate a bit over at the bazaar tent; i had beef stew, and it was actually really good. a lot of tender chunks of meat. and then it was off to entertain the kids. they played the three kids' games with gusto, earning a bag of candy. i of course gave my annual obligatory handshake to mr. miyauchi, the children's band director; during my youth, i was the "star" male accordion player (yeah, yeah, i know, accordions are for geeks) for his band... i really liked miyauchi, always thought he was this cool hip young (though now, maybe not so much) dude from japan, a wanna be rocker. again, whenever i meet him at these things, i feel guilty for not fulfilling his expectations of me, of not becoming a more devout and involved member... BUT.
while at the bounce house, my brother arrived with his wife and two kids, landon and landry. landry got upset at one point, so as has become customary, i held her and walked around to calm her down... WHAT CAN I SAY!??? I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD AT THIS. i mean it. give me ANY BABY. within limits (i don't have breasts), i can calm a child and even put it to sleep in like five or ten minutes... so anyway, i held onto landry, did my signature taiji rocking walk, and even threw in some bagua figure eights, and after not too long, landry was awake but quiet, absorbing everything in her wide eyes...
i had to leave lynn and the kids to work on a couple of patients... and then, home.
let me tell you, there's been a quiet panic in me this weekend. i have been thinking in the abstract what i would do for my student teaching tomorrow. i thought i had some pretty good ideas, but then i had a lot of doubts about whether i was doing overkill, and throwing stuff that would fly over their heads... i actually got out a lot of our glassware, and starting filling them with various amounts of water to make a musical instrument... but then at 10 or so this evening, my mentor emailed me to let me know that she had had to take on another student, and that i would have to make other arrangements for my student teaching... a reprieve!!! but, of course, i was sad... my mentor is an awesome teacher, someone i would have hoped to emulate...
... so this evening, as i lay in bed next to lynn, with the background of an on again off again wind/rain storm outside, i started talking to her about random stuff. and the subject of my sister came up... and, i swear to you, i started feeling so guilty, so damned guilty, at neglecting her... she has become such a non-presence in my life, that after a while, i stopped seeing her, stopped asking about her. and suddenly, the sound of the storm outside made me think of her, of her desperation, of her pain. the sound, the thoughts, they made me worried and restless... the only thing that seemed to calm me, perhaps serving as some sort of soundtrack to my anxiety, was the peter gabriel song, "mercy street." the lyrics revolved around in my head:
"dreaming of mercy street
where you're inside out
dreaming of mercy
in your daddy's arms again..."
i don't know, maybe not perfectly relevant or apt, but it made me feel a sense of comfort, and i wished that feeling to my sister, wherever she was. i have always wished the best for my sister, at times swore to take her place in hell, but as other concerns (my wife and kids) intervened, i guess i forgot about any such pledges... isn't that how it always is??? but i love my sister, i do, and wherever she is, i hope that she is alright, and that she has a hope to live by and live for.
please, sis, be well.
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