in the dream is a pond/garden i created. it had two "halves." one half is more of a garden. i recall working it, digging out plants. i can remember a couple of large hyotan squashes growing end to end. i have a harder time visualizing other parts of that garden at the moment...
the other half, which seemed to run on the side of the house, became more like a large pool. there were rocky outcroppings, on which bathed huge frogs and toads. in fact, at one moment there was a toad so huge that it resembled a large boulder. in the water, were other large things, other large creatures, all self-sufficient...
yes, i recall in the "garden section," there were these snails and slugs, so big, with so many straining necks... (although in real life, they are the bane of gardeners). all this life, to a purpose...
*****
i am so tired. i have this huge lump on the back of my shoulder. last night we (wife) were attempting to "pop" it, as it does have somewhat of a head. but it hardly made a dent in it. it has became a large diffuse swelling. maybe it's cancerous. i don't know. perhaps it's a reason to see a doctor, finally.
sometimes, i think, i wouldn't mind passing on. there are things i wouldn't mind doing. my story, for example, maybe finishing it, and then having it published or performed. but even with that, i realize, even with that, as for love, and all the other great things, it's often hit or miss... and most of the time, i miss. (i am recalling other memories, perhaps from the dream... memories of that very question: of whether you should keep trying for happiness, the happiness of finding the right person, or whether you should just "go it alone." i kept encouraging that, thinking of myself and my wife as some sort of model... but even in the dream, it was like, i wasn't sure whether that was always the best advice, as love is always like a gamble. and hope? maybe the very hope that made me survive? it's like the refusal to "get a clue.")
anyway... a lot of the people i'd hope to "prove" myself to (and secretly or not, i've always lived to "prove" myself to people), they have either passed on, or- i've realized- they don't really matter much. and what do i care about garnering the attention of people i don't really know? and that sort of defeats the whole purpose of any of these ventures... perhaps i wanted to move other people or something. but much of the time, when i'm writing, i'm hardly moved myself... maybe because i'm so involved in the machinations of it all. so when it comes down to it, it feels like i'm a magician... and if the trick "works," then it hardly feels like anything, maybe it only confirms that there are more gullible people in the world than not. most of the time, though, it won't work. it won't convince anyone...
again, the great things, those feelings of accomplishment, sometimes they seem purely hit or miss... it's the cynical way i see the world at times. i believe in reason, in principle, in kindness. but the world doesn't, necessarily...
i love my wife and kids. but sometimes i feel as though my steam has run out for my leg of the journey. sometimes i feel as though i'm just spinning my own wheels.
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