the stretches in between get longer and longer... life has become such a pain. my mom (who's into real estate; bless her heart) is trying to help me to get a property so that i can get some rental income from it, since my wife is out of work, and my daughter is getting ready to go to college. so i've had to go through a lot of paperwork, in order to get a prequal letter from the bank. and we've had to visit a bunch of properties (all townhouses), mostly on the west side of the island. if you're not from here, you wouldn't believe how expensive some of these places are. they are just townhouse units, nowhere near complete "homes" in the traditional sense, but they are going for half a million dollars. my own home, a two story house in mililani, i believe we got for 300,000. and in the 17 years since, the value of our home has appreciated to close to a million. and now, crappy townhouse units go for more than two story houses in upscale mililani. imagine that. i suppose real estate really is the way to go. it seems to appreciate fast...
the thing is, i've been really stressed out by all the goings on at work, and it tires me out that i have to do all this financial stuff and real estate stuff afterwards too. it really isn't a lot, and it's out of the kindness of my mom's heart that she helps me out, so i really have no right to complain... but i'm still complaining. because a part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and dream. i feel like i haven't had a really good rest in a long time... a really good reset.
there've been things that really upset me recently... like my son's performance in school (since my outburst, things seem to have gotten a bit better...) or the fact that my wife's car (actually, it WAS mine, but as has become the pattern, she "adopts" the newer car, and i start driving the older one) just got the catalytic converter stolen in broad daylight over at the parking lot of the mall where she used to work... things like that. pain in the ass things. things costing time and money and attention. all of which are in short supply within me...
*****
my story... i have tried to keep this pattern of writing 4 pages... but honestly, i kind of got lost. i think that this is a good thing, in a way, in that i'm not just writing from my conscious mind, the mind that is redundant and keeps restating the obvious. in a sense, it may be good to get lost. the trouble is finding your way out again, and not sounding like you completely don't know where you're going with your stupid story... i divided the narrative, and then divided it again... and now, i have these intimations or inspirations that somehow the main character will break free of the pattern of the story he's trapped in (because if you follow the five chinese brothers, there are FOUR methods of execution, FOUR (i'm practically yawning) that you would have to go through if you followed the pattern of that story)... so maybe he would break free, maybe there would be some sort of shocking event that allowed him to slip out, and then he would (perhaps guided by yagoro, the deviant kappa) be able to see the processing of someone else, just to show that it is an entire operation, not just something focused on he alone... and in that, there would be a bit more clarity as to the history of the kappa, their struggle, their hatred, their lowliness... something like that. at the same time, owlie and kendall (one of my brother's friends), in trying to find their way to randy, could have some kind of discussion about the nature of dreams, and hypotheses about the dreamer. who is it, how does this elaborate dream serve him? things like that... i had some kind of vague idea about dd getting beheaded... or something like that. something that i'd hope would prove to be endearing... but then again, i'm not sure i'm ready to eject that character yet, as i feel that he has so much more to offer and say... anyway, a lot of random thoughts, random strings...
a part of me has been feeling this pressure to produce these stories, to complete them, to complete a few others, and then put them all in a book to sell. and promote the book so that i could earn enough money to fund my daughter's college. but it just frustrates me, because, again, i have all this other shit that preoccupies my time, and draws me away, away, away... and the story itself keeps slipping away from me, becoming more and more ephemeral...
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