i have had to work on some applications for willow's financial aid. one thing that became clear was that i haven't been tracking our financial situation enough. i realize that my retirement, for one thing, is laughable. or cryable.
i realize that i'm in a mode now where i do things incrementally. i call it "organic." i.e., a natural approach. one that does not impinge too heavily upon me... why? i find that sudden change, imposed order... it tends to make me feel guilty. it is almost as though i were a kappa, with a bowl of water upon my head. to move too rapidly disturbs and threatens the water within my head... yes, there is a guilt, a kind of self-recriminization... that occurs when i "force" issues too much, when i use a heavy hand. i appreciate when things are "complete," and "harmonious," but i have found that if i pursue things too much, or focus too exclusively on "completion," then i tend to lose a sense of myself, and of balance. hence, this pretended "innocence." this pretended "ignorance." because the alternative would hurt too much...
i would prefer to be a sphere. a smooth sided object that rolls across reality. if i were to push too heavily in one direction, i would no longer be a sphere, no longer have the equanimity of the sphere. i would start to become lop-sided. and that would force me to take a stance, a position, on the world...
is this wrong? maybe this is the big difference between myself and my brother. my brother pushes his own interests, and he pushes them hard. he doesn't care who he hurts or has to push aside. that is his strength, and his failing. i mean, when he is pushing for himself, there is a certain clarity to it all, and it feels as though (when you are in alignment with him) that there is some noble cause, and you are a part of it... but if you are on the other side of it, or if you are not directly involved in his cause, then you feel pretty much like shit. and he, unlike me, does not feel the guilt. he does not self-reflect as i do...
i look upon this as the contrast between sudden and gradual enlightenment. and the same arguments for and against both sides apply here. the push for sudden enlightenment has always been seen as potentially problematic, in that the exclusive "push" to answer a koan could lead to altered states of consciousness, a sort of penchant for obsession... it is like creating a tidal wave. yes, it may sweep the landscape clean. but it can also be destructive... and it can be hard to return to normal reality...
the path of gradual enlightenment is more like a gentle acid, eating away at the hollowness of things. or a gradual shift in perspective... i feel as though this is more authentic, although more vague... maybe it feels like watching paint dry. the progression is so gradual that it may feel as though you are not moving... and that in itself can lead to a kind of despair, as though you are not going anywhere... there is a kind of luxury in inventing a destination and arriving there. it makes you feel as though you have actually changed. the despair of the follower of gradual enlightenment is that it is a slippery slope to the "place before," which is always a place of self-hatred and recrimination...
*****
i am tired. but i think i have to make a go at certain things. i think i have to finish writing my play. i have dreams of making a book out of my writings, and pushing to sell them in order to help me fund my daughter's college. i have ideas of helping my son become an asl interpretor. and maybe myself learning how to become an interpretor myself... because it would provide an alternate source of income, while allowing us to help another segment of the community. i want to really grow vegetables in my yard, make it very productive (speaking of which, i think i've killed my worm community... maybe fed it something bad, or didn't drain the water, or used newspaper with toxic ink or something...).
some things we do for a purpose. some things we do just because. we are not always rational beings. but that's okay. we follow our internal yearnings, and find the reasons later. as long as our heart is good, and i trust mine, for the most part, then i feel no guilt for what i do, or what i say. i DO feel guilt for what i neglect. it is hard to live in this world without neglecting something... i feel i have neglected my larger family. i need to reconnect with my sister, mostly. and with my parents, who live near by but who i hardly ever see, unless they ask me for help (like snaking the toilet). i need to normalize relations. my brother, i feel, is a lost cause. if he came to me to ask for help, i would help him. but i think he is caught up in his own drama, and will always be. and i can't help him with that, especially if he thinks i'm not worthy of the stage.
No comments:
Post a Comment