9/6/2020

 i realize i haven't written in this blog for ages. work started in earnest, and i kind of got overwhelmed with it all. just to let you know, i have been teaching half of my students face to face, and the other half i have been treating distance. initially, i had made a plan to teach everyone synchronously (meaning all at once). i think i had wanted to try this because i was used to teaching my acupoints class synchronously, with some students immediately before me, and other students over the computer. but my situation at the public school is an entirely different animal. at the public school, i am a special education teacher for students across three grade levels, and each student has a very different (individualized) plan. so, upon reflection, it is next to impossible to teach all of these students synchronously, because there is not "one message," so to speak, that i am trying to deliver.

so my plans evolved very rapidly over time. i determined that it would be better to just focus on the in person students during the time that they were there. and that would allow me to focus on the distance learners in one-on-one, one hour sessions. it would stretch my day very long (i basically start from 6:30, and run non stop until 2:30), but it would allow me to really focus on each and every student. i also opted to teach students on an individual basis, instead of trying to group them. the students are all very different, and they all require, or rather do best in, one-on-one situations. i chunk instruction into tiny, five minute segments, and my ea and i just rotate through the entire group of students rapidly. so far, that has worked out well.

...in any case, that's what's been going down at work. i have been returning from school pretty burnt out and exhausted, and haven't focused on anything. in fact, on most days, i would return and just veg out and go to sleep. and then i would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning to begin the next cycle...

*****

there are different ways of feeling. at times, i feel functional. i feel like a weapon or a tool. my focus is on the task at hand. and it feels good in a sense, but it automatically means that i am numb to myself.

then, there is the mentality of building the self. that's where all of my little routines come in. there is an image of the self, or of the life related to the self, that i feel invested in protecting and building up.

i'm sure there are other ways of feeling, but at the moment, i oscillate between those two.

it takes me time to shift gears. well, let me amend that, i am able to shift into first gear pretty quickly, although i am generally reluctant to. but to shift into the second gear... it feels as though i am rebuilding myself and my life from the ground up, and it is a work in remembering and reconstructing.

*****

it is hot nowadays. my plants are okay, but some are drying up. in fact, with my work schedule, i haven't been as diligent in watering the plants, and i kind of rely upon my son to take care of it. however, he sometimes doesn't do it, and i return in the afternoon to see the plants all wilted...

*****

oh well, i know it's sort of boring, but i haven't got much else to talk about.