hello, yes, it's been another week. as i mentioned earlier, my ea and i have fallen into a sort of comfortable routine. i think we're doing a good job. if there's any failing, it's due to poor attendance by some of my students. otherwise, in the time that we have, we're doing all that we can. i think, at the same time, that the students that do come regularly are feeling comfortable with us, and feeling a sort of security in the routines that we establish. i like that feeling, when everything "works."
however... in a few weeks, quarter 1 comes to an end, and the superintendent has basically mandated that schools will go into hybrid mode... which means that more students will be coming onto campus shortly. our little idyllic outdoor classroom will have to move indoors. not a bad thing, really, but it is much less safe. i will have to make radical adjustments to the classroom; move shelves and such to promote more ventilation through the room. i know the other teachers, who have just started to get used to doing distance teaching, will have to adjust yet again to another schedule and another format...
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i wonder if i'm really a writer. i don't really have stories so much as static concepts. i'm not comfortable with the play of conversation, or the processes of plot. or, perhaps, there's a tension between the "flow" of conversation and plot, and the static ideas i have in my head. sometimes, oftentimes, i get sort of carried away in conveying a conversation or a plot, and am led astray from where i actually wanted to go with the story. maybe it's a sign that there's a fault in the "static" concept i am trying to convey. maybe there's a problem in how i approach writing, that is, with some sort of preconceived notion of where i'm trying to get to. maybe i'm supposed to just place myself plumb in the middle of some quandary, and then (with my characters) write my way out of it...
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i think there's a side of me that is sort of mechanized. what i mean is, it likes systems. it likes routines. it likes to just check the boxes. it likes everything sort of contained... not exactly minimal effort, but just enough effort to pretend accomplishment. i don't overextend. because in this mindset, there is definitely a point where the system breaks if you try too hard at any one thing.
and then there's a side of me- maybe rarer nowadays, especially as i get older- that likes to break things.
art is a compromise, or battle, (i'm not sure which) between those two aspects.
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i feel pretty empty nowadays. i am mainly my work. or rather, i'm mainly just surviving from day to day. there are things left undone (always things left undone), but if there's any wisdom i have, it's that you have to make time for other things. you have to make time for yourself. for other aspects of yourself. because if you forget about yourself, then you will impoverish yourself, and then you won't be happy (in even a minimal way), and will return to yourself like an unfriendly stranger. you need to keep in touch. keep in touch with all aspects of your life.
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ruth bader ginsberg died today. i'm torn between celebrating and honoring her courageous life, mourning her loss, feeling visceral anger towards the gop and its supporters for their fundamental hypocrisy, and worrying for rbg's legacy (and, for that matter, the survival of our great democratic experiment).
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i wonder what it is in me that longs for new relationships. i also wonder what it is in me that makes the imagination of new relationships completely impossible and implausible...
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