8/5/2020

it's already been a week since my last posting. i guess a lot of it has to do with going into work and such... by the way, yesterday was supposed to be the first day of school, if we had held to the original schedule. as it is, things are being delayed by 2 weeks. so we're actually going to start on 8/17. we're supposed to use this extra time to go over "trainings" on distance learning. in truth, they are less "trainings" and more just links to a bunch of resources... and a lot of shared ideas: hints, tips, etc. it may be helpful, but there's hardly clarity. it's just throwing a lot of spaghetti on the wall.

i'm not sure if i'm less motivated... or what... but i return home from school, and most of the time, i kind of kill time on social media or take a nap. it's somewhat depressing. a lot of the "fire" i had to "improve myself" is sort of gone. i'm still able to hold to tasks, but i would say it's definitely more difficult.

i have a friend, sort of, on facebook. an old friend, from high school. actually, from intermediate school. we've kind of had an uneasy relationship, although i've always considered him to be a part of my "tribe." in fact, during intermediate school, he was one of the primary targets of our group of "nerds." he was always wearing this blue baggy sweat top, and wore glasses and (i believe at the time) braces. he, like me, was "easy pickings." of course, i'm not sure exactly when, it's hard to believe, but i think some time in eighth grade or something, he went through some sort of transformation. he started wearing nicer clothes, he stopped wearing glasses... and then he was suddenly attractive. he started hanging out with different people, though to his credit, he never exactly "turned" on us. later, he ran cross country and track, and did well there...

in any case, i lost touch with him. i recall one summer (probably after my freshman year in college), where we went hiking in makiki or something. he played nine inch nails in his car, and talked about his japanese girlfriend. frankly, i envied him. i hadn't been in any sort of relationship of note, not even close, and i was starting to think there was something wrong with me (there definitely is, by the way). he was also doing marijuana, along with one of my other friends... it somewhat felt like my friends were "moving ahead," or getting more mature or something, while i was stagnating, falling behind. that's how i felt, anyway...

i am, as i said, a friend of his on facebook. i hadn't heard about him, or from him, for years and years. and then, i started to see him post comments, touting some right-wing conspiracy theories. i kind of took the bait and engaged. we had some heated back-and-forths. really, i didn't want this. i can scarcely believe that there are people like this, or rather, people that i know like this, people whom i share a common history with, people who appeared rational and sensible, who still buy into trump. he questions voting by mail, he doesn't believe in masks or covid-19, he thinks hydroxychloroquine is still viable... it is disconcerting to say the least. it is also saddenning. i asked to hear more about his family, about something beneath the politics... but so far, aside from some scant details about step children, i've heard nothing. it makes me... tired.

*****

okay... well, i know i haven't said anything of much substance. but i have to move on to my next task: the stream of consciousness writing (freewriting)... take care.