dream: 8/31/2020

 ...yes, i know, i have not posted a "waking entry" yet... i am gradually working through my routines. just got things started somewhat yesterday...

but i still have dreams. i will share these briefly and get to work.

i had a couple of dreams that i recall in fragments. in the first, i was at some meeting at work. only there were people there that weren't the real people at work. in fact, some were celebrities. i'm not sure why we were gathered there, sitting in these assembled couches and recliners... but in any case, the guy next to me, who looked like ryan seacrest, well, he started going into an emotional plea, like crying and everything, about why we all needed to vote for trump... our lives depended on it. and then, some others around me spoke, pleading for it. even in the dream, i thought, man, this sounds desperate. and, i don't know, immoral. i looked at the ryan seacrest dude. i don't follow celebrities, but i always suspected that he was gay or something. and i thought, why the hell would you support trump if you're gay!? in my head, i thought, well, i guess you're white, and male, so maybe that "trumps" your orientation or something... but, yes, it was kind of... disturbing. to be put in a work meeting, and pressured out to vote for a candidate.

in my other dream... this was kind of taken from mulan. i remember being at the top of some polished ivory wall in a castle... and by castle, i don't mean something european. or even historical. i mean, this was a resort like wall, from top to bottom. anyway, this head popped up at one point, and it was the head of the presumed hun (i think he's played by scott lee or something). so i was this servant, so i shot an arrow high up to hit him. the first one just passed his head. the second one hit him dead in his forehead. but tough bastard that he was, he only grew angry. i imagined his entire horde was just behind him, so i started to flee. i think a ladder was thrown, and i somehow climbed it, high high high up into a rear corner of the castle. only i was trapped. the ladder didn't lead anywhere, and it was supported only marginally at the corner of the top of a flight of stairs. i realized my predicament too late. barbarians were streaming into the castle, and i was like a sitting duck at the top of this ladder. there was no escape...

somehow the attention drew off of me. i realized i had to be brave and somehow make my way down the ladder. there was no use in being paralyzed with fear. so i somehow edged myself down the ladder. again, it was on the edge of the landing, outside of any rails. somehow i managed to find thin footholds above the dizzying heights, and got into a second floor hallway...

i think this dream merged into a third, in which i was in this interesting little apartment made by my friend min. i think my whole family was there. we were supposed to wait to climb up this ladder to the second floor. there was this little quirk about the ladder in that it was also next to the toilet of the second floor. the sewage drained down into this little cheese cloth bag that was supposed to filter the shit out. at the moment, this sort of brownish water was kind of dripping out of the bottom of the bag, into this sink. when i commented about this, min just put his hand into the brown water, and noted that he would have to fix this... anyways, it turns out we were waiting for to go up the ladder to see some sort of movie or something. but i realized that i couldn't wait. i had to board a return flight or something. i asked what time it was. my wife said it was 9:30. holy shit! i thought. i was supposed to meet my brother at the airport at 9:30, so we could board the 10:00 flight! i scrambled out of there, briefly saying goodbye to my family, whom i wanted to stay with...

and i woke with that feeling of panic.

dream: 8/30/2020

 yes, it's been a couple of weeks since i last posted... work started. i'll tell you about it later.

in the meantime...

i had a nice dream. i was attending williams yet again, this time as a "fifth year student." i remember the sidewalks, the fields of green. i was in some snack store or something (it turns out, with my son aiden). it was strange; the stock was actually whatever was in some refrigerator (it was packed with food and juice, in a random and haphazard way, as though it were a suitcase, and things were placed in just to take advantage of every available space). so aiden picked something out. then, there was another line where you had to pay. i realized i had no cash, and was worrying that that would be a problem. while i was in this line, i saw one of the workers. he had been one of my "managers" at the baxter dining hall. he looked a bit more grizzled (unshaven), and i could see part of some tattoo on his back, like the outstretched wing of an eagle. in any case, we recognized each other. i told him that i had taken a year off, and how was he? he said he was in the real world now, paying bills and such. i remember looking at him, and imagining what sort of life he had. if this was the best job he could get... i wondered what he did in his free time. the eagle tattoo, the trace of a tan... it made me imagine that strange period where you are just trying to figure your life out... that's the impression i got.

in any case, when it was time to pay- and this was the really weird part- it turns out that this guy was wearing some kind of penis extender or something. it was actually visible from below (it almost seemed as though he were wearing some kind of kilt, instead of shorts). and when it came time to pay, well, it seemed as though, in order to avoid contact (i guess it was in the pandemic in my dream too, at least in this respect), i had to place my card in the "tip" of this thing that honestly looked like a penis. there was a compartment in the top. it seemed as though it wrapped a rubber or something around my card as it processed it. and then, when it was done, the compartment opened up, and there was this ring of the rubber on top (pinkish). and he instructed me to remove it, but not with my fingers- i had to use a pen or something- and then i could take my card... it seemed elaborate, and, well, disgusting...

the next part of the dream, i was walking on the sidewalk, along with a lot of other people. i kept recognizing people around me, and they kept recognizing me, in their own way. and i felt mildly excited. like maybe i would actually have more friends, or relationships, this time around. there was that feeling in the air that always accompanies the beginning of the year, this air of possibility. i like to call it the "hope chest" feeling (after a 10,000 maniacs album i had bought my freshman year). it is a feeling like anything (good) could happen.

so i was waiting at this stoplight... or perhaps i had already crossed... and there were a bunch of people also waiting. and i happened to see ed lau, one of my classmates from elementary and middle school (he had gone on to iolani for high school; he had always been a brilliantly "logical" mind). i asked him what he was doing there, because i don't recall him ever attending williams. he told me that he had joined some missionary group and was doing some outreach work through a church on campus. i was so happy to see him! and then, it turns out that greg fastabend, another friend from the same time period, was there. he was also doing missions work for his church. i then saw brian mahoney (also from the same time period)... and then it seemed that most of the crowd assembled on that sidewalk were old acquaintances of mine. it seemed as though the entire crew was there. i remember saying that: "it's so- wild- that you guys are all here!" i remember looking at the eaves of some red-stoned building in the distance. i think i sometimes do that- trach the edge of some piece of floorwork or architecture- in order to place myself in unreal situations...

i introduced my son to all of my friends... and then this large black student, whom i wasn't familiar with, but who seemed to remember me... he said in a friendly way: "this guy, he could take anything apart!" and he bent in to give me a hug. i know i didn't quite reciprocate, because i didn't really know him. but i added on to his comment: "you mean, i could break anything. literally anything!" and he laughed at that...

...and i guess that was about it.

8/15/2020

 i'm worried. my wife is sick. she had a sore throat on thursday, and today, she's been feeling feverish and slightly weak. tomorrow, we're going to get her tested, to find out if what she has is covid. if she is positive, then the rest of us, who have been in close contact, will then test as well.

i'm mainly worried because my wife is getting up there in age, and is in a vulnerable category. i don't want anything bad to happen to her. i don't think i could take it.

*****

i had a slow start today. i worked on my plants. i watered the crops. i turned the compost pile and even peed in it a bit to give it some nitrogen. i added more water to the aquaponics tanks (for some reason, the water tends not to drain from the grow beds fast enough, often leading to a situation where the pump is almost dry, and the water level in the fish tank is critically low- fish swimming on their side and such). i then began to weed. i'm looking at weeding in a different light, now that i'm doing composting. instead of being a purely "negative" task (i.e., removing something bad), i look upon it as also being a "positive" task, in the sense that i'm gathering green (nitrogenous) waste to help me build another compost pile. it's a win-win.

*****

i did my routines again. i finished reading the next set of chapters from berserk and one piece. and then, i drew a picture of a topless woman. i'm getting better at drawing faces, i think. i'm only using two colors, because i'm still getting acquainted with the use of color. i draw the dark parts first, like the hair, or the shadows, or the pupils. basically, the dark lines create the contours of the entire picture. i also lightly shade, and i guess because these pencils are pretty crappy, i'm able to do very light shading effectively (if the pencils were bolder, then they'd be far too visible to be subtle). i then use a lighter color (white in this case) to highlight where the light hits the figure...

after drawing, i played the piano. i think on certain days, i'm really pretty good. i don't make as many mistakes, and i feel as though i'm able to convey emotion (dynamics, phrasing) through the pieces...

oh yeah, while i was drawing... i recall something that shodo (the monk that i stayed with in japan) either mentioned or implied. he said that it's best to do things quickly, almost in a rush. when you do things slowly, then there is too much thinking going on, and you become separated from your task. you have to accelerate things to the point where you don't "think" or "react" but you just dive right in. related to this was his admonition to not hesitate.

so when i was drawing, i tried to follow that advice. i didn't pause overly long. i just tried to keep my pencil and my eye constantly moving, going from one shape to the next.

i'm trying to do that with my writing as well... here's the present "plan" for my modus operandi. i will write almost stream of consciousness stuff but focused loosely on a story i'm working on. i'm going to fill an entire notebook with this stuff. then, i'm going to review it and highlight anything that seems worthy of incorporation into the story itself. then, i'll sit and attempt to piece everything together.

i imagined that this was like catching the glints of sunlight off the water. it is like gathering the ephemeral but true nature of things. and then, the later steps are like stitching together or focusing all of those fragments of light to effect; creating a consistent narrative from the "true" fragments of consciousness.

that's the plan, anyway.

*****

8/13/2020

 i've been dragging... i admit it.

there have been so many shifts and changes at work. it's difficult to plan, or even get the motivation to plan, when everything could change with the next announcement from the governor.

our infection rate has been climbing. today we had the highest increase in covid infections yet (355). i know it doesn't sound that bad, compared to other states on the mainland. but we're a relatively small state. what's more, we are a relatively isolated state. at the outset, that was seen as an advantage (still is, or could be, actually), because it was more possible to keep cases out. but now, i see it as a disadvantage. it's kind of like being in a small room with an infected individual. there are less places to go, so the infection starts to overwhelm everyone in the room.

so far, about 4 of the wahiawa schools already have confirmed positive cases amongst the staff. i think our school is one of the only outliers. covid is definitely in the community, and from what the governor and lt governor have been saying, it is particularly prevalent among the pacific islander communities. wahiawa has a huge micronesian (chukese) population. i even went to visit a few of my students' chukese families yesterday: multigenerational households that are particularly prone to spread.

currently, our school is strongly leaning towards distance learning. i had thought that my students (students with ieps) were to be the exception, that is, they were the only ones to be allowed to receive instruction face to face. but it turns out that we were supposed to push for distance even in that population. the only exceptions were to be students for whom distance learning was almost impossible, due to attention or other sorts of issues...

i now have reduced my list to a few students. but with the news today, i feel less safe. i decided to deliver all instruction outside. i selected a place in the field near my classroom to teach when it is sunny (there is a perpetual shade there). if it rains, i will have my students sit out in the covered hallway. i know it will be awkward, but from what i hear, it is the safest measure to take. any indoor space, with limited ventilation, will only recirculate potentially infectious virus particles.

***

at home, i have been mostly tired. i putz around in the garden a bit, and then waste time on fb and other stuff. i take restless naps. also yesterday, i had a lot of abdominal problems. a lot of pain. it was sort of a wasted day...

i tried to do the little tasks in my routine, but the stomach troubles made it pretty impossible. i HATE being held back by little health troubles like that.

***

my mind is perpetually elsewhere, i find. i think it is largely due to the situation at work, but perhaps it is a general malaise. i'm not sure. at least i am not experiencing any undue self-persecution. i don't eat myself up from the inside. i suppose a part of me (or all of me) realizes that this is a shitty situation, and that i shouldn't blame anything on myself. i just need to keep steady through it.

i'm grateful for my family, for my friends. and, really, i mean really, things are not bad at all. in fact, i know i'm pretty spoiled, and that life is actually very easy. i suppose there's a dread that things could become so much worse, if they continue as they are.

in the general political front, trump has stated today that he is openly sabotaging the us postal system to prevent universal mail-in ballots from going through. and no one stops him. my friend ron, who has been trolling me on fb... i wonder what he would say now? i think, unfortunately, anyone who is still a trump supporter should just openly state that they are a racist, sexist f**k, and not pretend that there is any rationality or sense of logic or decency or justice about them. they have their heads up their ass. i'm sorry, i'm just so fed up with them. fed up with trump. fed up with the backwards slide into idiocy that is our country right now...

let's hope and pray that we vote him out. and then lock him up.

8/9/2020

 i've been feeling a bit sick lately. no, nothing serious. just a stubborn headache. my wife thinks it's from caffeine withdrawal, and she might be right. i do consume a lot of caffeine, even on my days off. whenever this happens, i tend to get a headache on a spot of my forehead, just above my right eye. and there's a feeling of general nausea in me. i also notice i sweat more, especially around my forehead. and my eyes- it's hard to describe, but they feel sunken and burnt. whenever i look in the mirror when i feel this way, there are shadows around my eyes. either that, or the rest of my face just gets pale and wan.

in response to this, i've been neglecting some of my routines, and just generally lounging around. it gets hard to do each successive thing on my list. instead, i tend to vacillate, and scroll through my facebook feed over and over again. it's funny. nothing much changes in it, but i keep doing it, over and over again, as though in anticipation of something new. it's a really pathetic existence to do that, but when i feel ill, i guess that's the best i can manage- besides being completely unconscious.

*****

with some of my plants, i feel complete despair. the caterpillars have completely ruined my zucchini plant, and they have done a number on the kabocha too. the cucumber plant, fortunately, is still doing well, and is actually producing more cukes... on the other side, my tomato plant is still good. i think i may have damaged the eggplants. there was some sort of infestation of mealy bugs in them, so i sprayed them with an overly concentrated soap water. i think the mealy bugs got taken care of, but the solution was so soapy that i think it damaged the leaves too. there was a general shedding of a lot of leaves in both eggplants. now, it looks like that trauma is over, and the new healthy leaves are starting to grow back in.

i'm thinking of propogating the plants i have, so that i have an increased yield. as things stand, it's hard for my wife to make anything significant with, say, 1-2 tomatoes at a time. i'm hoping, eventually, to produce enough for my household, and then, maybe have some surplus to either donate or sell to others.

i'm working on composting (vermicomposting and heap composting), and hopefully, i'll do a good enough job to produce something that can really improve the soil at my house. as they say, "feed the soil, not the plants."

*****

i feel like i'm floating in my job. i've been going in every day. we're supposed to watch these videos and stuff, and i do, but (honestly) half the time my mind is elsewhere. i guess i could use the excuse that everything seems to change from one day to the next, so why put in all this effort to prepare? but that's not sufficient. i guess things haven't really hit me yet. i guess that's why i'm so - i don't know - floaty.

*****

i wonder about getting old. getting? i AM old.

is getting old simply a shifting of interests and priorities?

or is it a progressively smaller and smaller "locus of control"? do you still have the same desires and yearnings, only to have them circumvented by an increasingly smaller set of abilities and propensities? do we just turn into "hungry ghosts?"

do we just stop hoping, and talking about our feelings, because we know that there's no use in such conversations any more? do we just focus on the day to day... the little aches and pains... the daily weather? because to go beyond that would just wound us with the fact that mortality casts its shadows over all our hopes and plans?

i would like to be a peaceful person when i get old. i would like to also be relevant, somehow. i know that that is contradictory, but i still hope it. i would like to be someone who is wise, and has some mysterious influence on the turning of the world.

i'd also, if possible, like to remain desirable. but then, maybe that is just my young mind talking. after all, is youth the real "hungry ghost?" i've kind of passed beyond the gate of satiation a few times, and maybe i understand that, although desire is "real," it is ephemeral, and hence, not lasting or eternal.

but maybe that's the point. the ephemeral has its own eternity... the apex of existence.

i guess the reason i would like to be more buddhistic is that it posits the possibility of having EVERY moment be the apex of existence. i suppose i would like to really realize in my bones this understanding: to be able to walk on the ground, but be six feet in the air. but i guess i'm still immature, in that i am still tied down by my desires.

oh well.

dream: 8/8/2020

 ...not much in this dream... except that i was in some country on the "edge" of the world, untouched by rampant overdevelopment. i was sitting on some sort of shore. although it seemed rocky, it was not, at least beneath me. it was filled with foliage. and the waters of the ocean were very clear, and there was all sorts of unusual sealife in it. i saw a giant crab lying splayed upon a "bush" of brown seaweed. i had never seen a crab looking so relaxed, so i decided to try and take a picture of it. but, as in real life, by the time i had taken my phone out and gotten to the camera app, the crab had changed its pose and crawled back into the sea... at some point, some tourists (an older man, younger woman) passed by, and asked about this place...

8/5/2020

it's already been a week since my last posting. i guess a lot of it has to do with going into work and such... by the way, yesterday was supposed to be the first day of school, if we had held to the original schedule. as it is, things are being delayed by 2 weeks. so we're actually going to start on 8/17. we're supposed to use this extra time to go over "trainings" on distance learning. in truth, they are less "trainings" and more just links to a bunch of resources... and a lot of shared ideas: hints, tips, etc. it may be helpful, but there's hardly clarity. it's just throwing a lot of spaghetti on the wall.

i'm not sure if i'm less motivated... or what... but i return home from school, and most of the time, i kind of kill time on social media or take a nap. it's somewhat depressing. a lot of the "fire" i had to "improve myself" is sort of gone. i'm still able to hold to tasks, but i would say it's definitely more difficult.

i have a friend, sort of, on facebook. an old friend, from high school. actually, from intermediate school. we've kind of had an uneasy relationship, although i've always considered him to be a part of my "tribe." in fact, during intermediate school, he was one of the primary targets of our group of "nerds." he was always wearing this blue baggy sweat top, and wore glasses and (i believe at the time) braces. he, like me, was "easy pickings." of course, i'm not sure exactly when, it's hard to believe, but i think some time in eighth grade or something, he went through some sort of transformation. he started wearing nicer clothes, he stopped wearing glasses... and then he was suddenly attractive. he started hanging out with different people, though to his credit, he never exactly "turned" on us. later, he ran cross country and track, and did well there...

in any case, i lost touch with him. i recall one summer (probably after my freshman year in college), where we went hiking in makiki or something. he played nine inch nails in his car, and talked about his japanese girlfriend. frankly, i envied him. i hadn't been in any sort of relationship of note, not even close, and i was starting to think there was something wrong with me (there definitely is, by the way). he was also doing marijuana, along with one of my other friends... it somewhat felt like my friends were "moving ahead," or getting more mature or something, while i was stagnating, falling behind. that's how i felt, anyway...

i am, as i said, a friend of his on facebook. i hadn't heard about him, or from him, for years and years. and then, i started to see him post comments, touting some right-wing conspiracy theories. i kind of took the bait and engaged. we had some heated back-and-forths. really, i didn't want this. i can scarcely believe that there are people like this, or rather, people that i know like this, people whom i share a common history with, people who appeared rational and sensible, who still buy into trump. he questions voting by mail, he doesn't believe in masks or covid-19, he thinks hydroxychloroquine is still viable... it is disconcerting to say the least. it is also saddenning. i asked to hear more about his family, about something beneath the politics... but so far, aside from some scant details about step children, i've heard nothing. it makes me... tired.

*****

okay... well, i know i haven't said anything of much substance. but i have to move on to my next task: the stream of consciousness writing (freewriting)... take care.